Archive for the ‘Battery Park’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Hang Weird Shit on Their Mir­rors

Cab dri­ver, get­ting cut off: Yeah, dri­ve like you want that cheese­burg­er!

–Colum­bus Cir­cle

Cab­bie: I got in some trou­ble and my wife threw all my clothes out of the house. I nev­er re­al­ized how many clothes I have! I know New York streets bet­ter than my own clos­et! (laughs)

–Cab, Broad­way & Hous­ton

Cab dri­ver to col­league who just honked af­ter he stopped for a pedes­tri­an: What, you want me to kill him?

–Bat­tery Park

Mid­dle East­ern cab dri­ver: I used to have a video store in Wash­ing­ton Heights. But the black bas­tard put me out of busi­ness! Can you be­lieve it? Af­ter ten years the black bas­tard put me out of busi­ness! Do you now the black bas­tard on Dy­ck­man? C’­mon! Every­body knows the back bas­tard! Black bas­tard! Black bas­tard video!

–Cab, Wash­ing­ton Heights

Over­heard by: Gene Gray

Cab dri­ver: When you dri­ve for ten hours a day, you learn that over 50% of dri­vers are, how do you say it…stupid.

–Queens

Over­heard by: Fi­as­co

Griz­zlies: ‘No, Re­al­ly, We’re Good, Could­n’t Eat An­oth­er Bite, Thanks!’

Old­er woman: When I die, I’m go­ing to be fed to the griz­zlies.
Younger woman: What?
Old­er woman: I want my hands and feet cre­mat­ed and put in­to St John’s Cathe­dral, and the rest of me I want made in­to steaks and fed to an en­dan­gered species. It’s not enough any­more to just give them mon­ey. You have to give them part of your­self.

–South End Ave

Over­heard by: lino & wy­ja

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers– As Far As You Know

Man on cell, com­ing out of The Dark Knight: I’m sor­ry that I could­n’t pick up your call, I was in a very im­por­tant meet­ing with a client.

–Lowes Movie The­ater, 68th & Broad­way

Guy on cell walk­ing out of sub­way en­trance: I’m get­ting on the sub­way now.

–Park Place & Church Street

Over­heard by: Rich Mintz

Fe­male suit on cell: Well, I can’t talk long, I’m about to get on a plane. Yeah, JFK.

–Bat­tery Park

Over­heard by: pop pop

Over­weight woman to daugh­ter in pink tu­tu: You made me come here! Don’t lie! Don’t lie! Don’t lie!

–Ikea, Red­hook

Over­heard by: Emi­ly B.

An­noy­ing an­chor: I’m writ­ing a news­cast. I don’t have time to check facts.

–CBS News Head­quar­ters, 57th St

Over­heard by: The Shad­ow News Bun­ny

Itch­ing, Burn­ing, Flak­ing Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Girl to friend: I told him you had fuck­ing mad STDs be­cause he said he want­ed to fuck you. (pause) You’re wel­come!

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Suit ex­it­ing cab: Yo, make sure you don’t give him your num­ber. He’s got crabs.

–30th Ave & 30th St, As­to­ria

Over­heard by: OhKel­lyO

Blonde 20-some­thing on phone: Ei­ther the uni­verse just proved there is no god, or he is a moth­er­fuck­ing cunt! (paus­es, then in low tone) Be­cause… I think I have her­pes.

–Bat­tery Park

Over­heard by: close enough to hear the her­pes part

Thug to thugette: I did­n’t have warts on my body till I met you.

–Metro North

Over­heard by: ba­con­ista

Guy on cell, lean­ing ca­su­al­ly against fire hy­drant: Hey, so, I just got my test re­sults back, and… uh… so I got her­pes. So… maybe you should get your­self test­ed. (pause) No, no, no. No. No! Dammit, Jes­si­ca, lis­ten, I… fuck. Sor­ry, Jen­nifer. No, I–no, I’m sor­ry, I’ve just been mak­ing this call a lot to­day. (pause) Hel­lo?

–Car­roll Gar­dens, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Kytt

Iron­i­cal­ly They Were Mur­dered with One

Bike guy #1: ‘Scuse me, do you know how to get to the West Side?
Man: It’s over there. Where are you go­ing?
Bike guy #2: Do you know the clubs?
Man: Not re­al­ly.
Bike guy #1: Cro­bar?
Man: No. Where is it?
Bike guy #1: I think 138th Street.
Man: That would be about 150 blocks up that­away.

–City Hall Park

Over­heard by: Rich Mintz

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Toot Their Own Horns

Guy on cell: Gui­tars… gui­tarists, gui­tarists… drum­mers, yeah, any mu­si­cians… Girls, yeah! Girls!

–Prospect Heights

Suave Eu­ro­pean guy: I am play­ing the pi­ano and the flute. At the same time. It’s a metaphor.

–1 Train

Over­heard by: Rose Fox

Li­brar­i­an­ish-look­ing woman: He asked me if I want­ed to blow his tu­ba, and I said, “sure!”. It was amaz­ing­ly hard­er than I thought it would be. And, he’s bring­ing his or­gan to­mor­row so I can play with it.

–Bat­tery Park Star­bucks

30-some­thing woman: My con­sul­tant was telling me I should try not to sound elit­ist. But that’s re­al­ly hard for me. I mean, I have two mas­ter’s de­grees and I play the vi­o­lin.

–14th St & 1st Ave

Body­builder on cell: I’m think­ing a harp­si­chord, a wig, and a whole lot­ta tal­cum pow­der.

–Chi­na­town Bus

Blonde high school girl: Grind­ing is as prac­ti­cal as play­ing the harp­si­chord was for Jane Austen.

–Up­per East Side

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers See the World With Fresh Eyes

Lit­tle boy to dad: Does the Stat­ue of Lib­er­ty have a claw?

–Bat­tery Park

Lit­tle boy to moth­er: Will you hur­ry up? You’re slow­er than my aunt Jebe­di­ah in the bath­tub!

–Clark St, Brook­lyn

Four-year-old boy to moth­er: And then you fed me…from your bel­ly but­ton!

–Old Navy Store

Over­heard by: Joy­ful­ly Yours

Lit­tle boy play­ing with friend: Buenos dias, rep­tile!

–As­to­ria Park

Over­heard by: Julie & Zane

Blond six-year-old, look­ing at fa­ther’s New York­er mag­a­zine: What the hell? What the hell? What the hell? What the hell?

–Do­ma Cafe

Sev­en-year-old with Spi­der­man back­pack: Dad, have I lost my youth?

–1 Train

Lit­tle girl with pig­tails, run­ning to sit with fam­i­ly: We’re go­ing to the dark side!

–Sheep Mead­ow, Cen­tral Park