Archive for the ‘Birds’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers: “Is This Thing On?”

PA sys­tem: Leia, please meet your par­ty at the front. Leia, not the princess, please meet your par­ty at the front.

–Bed, Bath & Be­yond, 18th & 6th

Over­heard by: Re­bec­ca

An­nounc­er over loud­speak­er: The time is now one am o’­clock!

–Bag­gage Claim, JFK

Over­heard by: Kim­mie

Loud­speak­er an­nounce­ment: At­ten­tion, all late night shop­pers, this is a live an­nounce­ment. I re­peat, this is not a record­ing! Right now, in our deli de­part­ment, ful­ly-cooked chick­ens! Come on over and get your chick­ens! They’re hot! They’re fresh! And they were alive this morn­ing!

–Path­mark, Cropsey Ave, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Sta­cy

An­nounce­ment over loud­speak­er dur­ing class: Hel­lo, I’m sor­ry for the in­ter­rup­tion. Mr Poland Spring, you have to go out­side, they’re about to tow your truck.

–Stuyvesant High School

Loud­speak­er: Good af­ter­noon, East Side. Fag football…oops, I mean “flag foot­ball” will meet in the cafe­te­ria im­me­di­ate­ly fol­low­ing ad­vi­so­ry.

–East Side Com­mu­ni­ty High School

News­Flash: Hip­ster Is Copy­cat. Film at 11

Art­sy girl: I cant be­lieve you took my idea!
Beard­ed hip­ster boy: My cat died and so I can use it my way.
Art­sy girl: But now every­one thinks it was your idea to skin the cat! And it was mine! Next thing you know, you’ll be pluck­ing the feath­ers out of birds and dip­ping them in blood!
Beard­ed hip­ster boy: Good idea, I think I will.
Art­sy girl: Cunt!

–Out­side Coop­er Union School

Over­heard by: jem­ma low­er

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Call It “Ex­treme Shar­ing”

20-some­thing hip­ster to friend, punch­ing him in the arm: Dude, you stole my Face­book sta­tus!

–Cen­tral Park

Over­heard by: dude, just think up a new one!

Ca­ble man to an­oth­er, stand­ing in line at Wendy’s: Yeah, I was across the street at Popeyes, but it looked like some man was go­ing to rob the place, so I came here in­stead.

–Flat­bush & Ocean Park­way, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: An­na

Crazy la­dy to pi­geon: Get out­ta here! You ain’t gonna get none if you beg. You got­ta wait for me to give it to you. (throws bread in oth­er di­rec­tion) That’s why you ain’t get none. (a few min­utes lat­er, she gets up to leave) Al­right. It’s been re­al. Thank for not steal­ing my pota­to chips.

–Tribeca Park

Four-year-old boy to mom: Mom, when you take chips from my bag with­out ask­ing, you’re steal­ing. We talked about this. We talked about this at length.

–Up­town 3 Train

Over­heard by: This girl from NY

Now They Grow Up to Be Fly­ing Rats

Old­er woman: Mice grow up to be rats. I have mice.
Old­er guy: No, they don’t!
Old­er woman: Yes they do, mice grow up to be rats.
Old­er guy: No, they don’t! They’re dif­fer­ent species. They’re cousins.
Old­er woman: No, they aren’t!
Old­er guy: Yes, they are–they’re cousins, like rab­bits and squir­rels.
Old­er woman: No–mice grow up to be rats!
Old­er guy: No, they don’t! There are even dif­fer­ent species of rats. Ger­man rats,
Nor­we­gian rats…
Old­er woman: Okay, let’s change the subject–I hate rats.
Old­er guy: Do you know pi­geons have strokes?
Old­er woman: What?
Old­er guy: Pi­geons have strokes. They don’t last long, but they do.
Old­er woman: Uh…okay.
Old­er guy: Pi­geons learn to fly when they’re five weeks old.

–A Train

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Strut, Preen and Peck

Asian la­dy is eat­ing some­thing, and a black man takes his cell out and starts tak­ing a video, doc­u­ment­ing what’s go­ing on.

Black man: She seems to be eat­ing some type of seed — maybe a bird food. It ap­pears to be that she is some sort of bird woman. Ka-kawww, ka-kawww!

–B train

Girl to friend: First you in­sult my turkey, and then you put a gourd on your face!

–Union Square

Crazy la­dy on bus: The turkeys! The turkeys! All you peo­ple care about is the turkeys and how they feel! What about the car­rots and can­died yams? No one cares about them!

–M104 bus

Over­heard by: Su­san El­liott

Lit­tle kid run­ning across the street flap­ping his arms: I can’t help it that I’m a chick­en!

–90th & Lex

Over­heard by: Zach

Hos­pi­tal em­ploy­ee to an­oth­er: You see, I don’t call them chick­en breasts; I call them chick­en tit­ties.

–Hos­pi­tal cafe­te­ria, Up­per East Side

Over­heard by:

Guy to girl: So you’d rather screw a duck than a geese? Is that what you’re telling me?

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Here’s For­est Whitak­er to Ex­plain

Park Slope mom #1: I’m go­ing to be hon­est. We have night birds near my house.
Park Slope mom #2: Oh my god! Us too! I tried to re­port it!
Park Slope mom #1: Why are these birds chirp­ing at night? Don’t they need to sleep?

–Park Slope

Over­heard by: D‑Law