Archive for the ‘Birthdays’ Category

We Could Bring Whole New Mean­ing to “Piss Drunk”

Frat boy: You know what I should get you for your birth­day?
Girl­friend: What?
Frat boy: A fun­nel.
Girl­friend: A fun­nel?
Frat boy: Yeah, a fun­nel. So you can piss in a cor­ner.
Girl­friend: I could al­so use it to fun­nel beer!
Frat boy: You’d have to wash it first.

–Star­bucks, As­tor Place

Birth­day One-Lin­ers

20-some­thing guy on cell: My girl­friend’s birth­day is to­mor­row. (pause) I don’t know. Maybe a bong.

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Steve Popovich

Girl to friend: I just want­ed to hook up with him be­cause we had the same birth­day.

–8th St & 5th Ave

Rent cast mem­ber (shout­ing over shoul­der): I turn 34 on Fri­day, I’m old but at least I made it past Je­sus.

–Ned­er­lan­der The­atre

Woman ar­gu­ing loud­ly with her moth­er in the laun­dro­mat: My 30th birth­day is gonna be ru­ined if we don’t go to the wax mu­se­um!

–4th Ave & 14th St, Brook­lyn

Guy hand­ing out New York Post: Grab your free copy of New York Post, it’s free, it’s free! Oh, and hap­py birth­day to me to­day, thank you very much for re­mem­ber­ing it! Oh, what a love­ly day…

–42nd & Madi­son

Over­heard by: Eve

But She Has the Op­po­site Rule for Sausage

Cy­clist #1: So how was your girl’s birth­day?
Cy­clist #2: All right, I guess. I kin­da fucked up.
Cy­clist #1: Fucked up? How?
Cy­clist #2: Well, she’s ve­g­an.
Cy­clist #1: Yeah, so?
Cy­clist #2: Well, I bought her a leather seat for her bike.
Cy­clist #1: So what, man? She’s ve­g­an — just be­cause she does­n’t like cow in her mouth does­n’t mean she won’t like it in her ass.

–Williams­burg Bridge

Over­heard by: Pro­l­ly

…But You Might Not Want It Back Once I Swipe It

Hobo: Hap­py birth­day! Can I have a dol­lar?
Prep­py guy: What? Sor­ry, I don’t have any cash.
Hobo: I ac­cept all ma­jor cred­it cards.

–Colum­bus Cir­cle

Over­heard by: cmt­WHAT

Head­line by: ee­ny

Run­ners-Up:
· “…Ex­cept Din­er’s Club, I Have Stan­dards, You Know” — Dot­Tim
· “As Un­em­ploy­ment Ris­es, Tech­nol­o­gy Trans­forms the Bum Sec­tor” — Pe­terG
· “Ho­bos: They’re Every­where You Want to Be” — Coy­oty
· “Mas­ter­card: Avali­able in More Places” — Mac­cas­Girl

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

He’s Just Not That In­to Your Cal­en­dar

Girl #1: So he told me that no mat­ter what hap­pens on June 31st, he will come to my house and we’ll dis­cuss our wed­ding.
Girl #2: I wish my boyfriend would be there for me.
Girl #1: It sounds nice, does­n’t it? Ex­cept there is no 31st of June.

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Over­heard by: Ting

Catholic school­girl: I am so ma­ture! I’m gonna be 16 soon. That means I can dri­ve.
Boyfriend: That’s awe­some.
Catholic school­girl: How many months is that in?
Boyfriend: I dun­no…
Catholic school­girl: Let’s see…June, Ju­ly, Au­gust, Sep­tem­ber, November…December? No, that’s not right…January, Feb­ru­ary, April, May…

–N train

Over­heard by: Ol­ga Ko­gan

She’s the Star of Vivid Video’s ‘Catali­na’s Burn­ing Nip­ples’

Girl: Y’­know Catali­na who works up­stairs? The one with the re­al­ly big breasts? When­ev­er it’s a cus­tomer’s birth­day, she pulls her shirt down, at­tach­es match­es to her nip­ples and lights the cake with them while singing, ‘Hap­py Birth­day.’
Guy: Are her nip­ples made of wood or some­thing?
Girl: I don’t know. All I know is when I turn around, they’re on fire!

–Up­town N, 23rd St

Over­heard by: Jat­mos