Archive for the ‘Body Parts’ Category

The Unit­ed One-Lin­ers Of Wednes­day

Fe­male suit on cell: And if we get cus­tody, we can take the girls to North Car­oli­na! Fuck it! Yeah, we can!

–37th St & Madi­son

Over­heard by: catch­ing a train

Lit­tle boy: Mom­my, is Cal­i­for­nia re­al­ly far? Would we have to take the f train to get there?

–N Train

Crazy-eyed la­dy on sub­way: The pub­lic schools failed my son! He flunked out, and now he’s get­ting all As in pri­vate school! We need to stop putting mon­ey in­to Geor­gia and put mon­ey in­to our schools! You know what else we need to do? We need to drill in Alas­ka, be­cause if we don’t, Rus­si­a’s go­ing to get a pipeline in there and take it all!

–Up­town R Train

Over­heard by: An­na P.

20-some­thing woman: I think he’s just go­ing to club me…and drag me back to Alas­ka.

–Bleeck­er & 11th

Over­heard by: Im­ma club you

Fa­ther to five-year-old daugh­ter touch­ing sign­posts and cars: You can rub any­thing you want in Con­necti­cut, hon­ey, but we have to be care­ful in New York.

–Union Square

Thugette: Ohio was mad crazy. Hill­bil­lies be fuck­ing chill­in’ on the block. Ain’t no one had teeth! No one! You ever seen one of those movies where some white guy goes fuck­ing crazy and kills, like, ten peo­ple? Like he’s walk­ing down the street and just stabs a cat in the neck? It was like that.

–V Train

You’ve Been Wait­ing for an Ex­cuse to Use That One, Haven’t You?

NYU girl: I’m not sur­prised that she has mono. I mean, she’s been a slut for a while now. It was bound to catch up with her.
Friend: Yeah, she’s a re­verse juke­box.
NYU girl: A what?
Friend: You know how you put mon­ey in­to a juke­box and it makes noise? Guys put their dicks in her to make her shut the fuck up.

–NYU Sil­ver Cen­ter

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers for the Thir­teen-Year-Old in Every­one

Girl to friend: When­ev­er I get a re­al­ly big booger, I feed it to the dog.

–Apart­ment Build­ing, Mid­town

Girl: And the doc­tor asked if she’d gone down on any­one late­ly, and she said “yeah, and when I was do­ing it, all these lit­tle bumps kept falling off in my mouth,” and the doc­tor said “you have gen­i­tal warts in your throat.”

–L Train

Over­heard by: atrain

Man on cell: And he opened a can of worms, ate the whole thing and then spit it all in­to his friend’s mouth. We were dry heav­ing. But every­one just looked at us weird.

–1st & 15th

Over­heard by: An­gela

Pre­teen boy on cell: (belch­es) Huh? (belch­es again, loud­ly) What did you say? I can’t hear you, I’m burp­ing.

–77th & 2nd

Girl to friend: My dad would say, “don’t send her choco­late, it makes mu­cus.”

–W 24th St & 10th Ave

Over­heard by: Fred Daubert

It Makes It Look Big­ger

Girl­friend: So, my Christo­pher is a lit­tle fem­i­nine some­times…
Boyfriend: I spent two hours shav­ing this morn­ing!
Dude: Yeah, but shav­ing what, is the ques­tion.
Girl­friend: Not that.
Boyfriend: No, that was yes­ter­day.
Dude, dis­gust­ed: I was talk­ing about your legs, but thanks…

–Her­shey’s store, Times Square

Over­heard by: equal­ly dis­gust­ed