Archive for the ‘Bosses’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are So Not Hot for Teacher

Teacher: Some of the an­swer choic­es peo­ple picked were re­al­ly out there. I prob­a­bly could’ve put peanut but­ter and jel­ly, and peo­ple would think, “Oh, damn, I’m hun­gry, I should pick that.”

–Stuyvesant High School

Over­heard by: Stu­dent

Teacher: Guys, no mat­ter what hap­pens, if you’re ab­sent on a test day you must bring in a note! I don’t care if you’re walk­ing to school and sud­den­ly the ground opens up and you’re sucked in­to candyland–I need a note!

–La­Guardia High School

Over­heard by: a note of choco­late?

Acoustics teacher: This on­ly em­pha­sizes how lit­tle I know about acoustics. Or rather, how lit­tle is known about acoustics.

–Coop­er Union, As­tor Place

Over­heard by: a stu­dent is on­ly as good as his t each­er

Teacher to lit­tle boy: You ain’t gonna die just cause your leg got sprin­kled on!

–L Train

Over­heard by: Mis­shellee

Prin­ci­pal: I can see what you’re doing…with this bounc­ing and the lit­tle hand on your hip…you’re try­ing to un­der­mine my au­thor­i­ty with your bad pos­ture, I can see ex­act­ly what you think of my ad­min­is­tra­tion.

–Bard High School Ear­ly Col­lege

Which Is So Long It Stretch­es Around the Black

(wait­ing in line at the DMV)
Black su­per­vi­sor with thick Ja­maican ac­cent to prep­py white mom ac­com­pa­ny­ing her daugh­ter: You sit down. (mum­bles some­thing else)
White mom: Did he say “on­ly Africans wait in line”?
White daugh­ter: No, mom, “on­ly *ap­pli­cants* wait in line.”

–Harlem DMV

Friends Don’t Let Friends Be Drug Mules

Black guy: I just re­al­ly don’t wan­na go to prison in Africa.
White guy: Of course. And, if at any time you feel like that might be a pos­si­bil­i­ty, the op­er­a­tion comes to a close. I val­ue you and your sweet vir­gin ass and un­slit throat over some cheap pot.
Black guy: That’s how I know you’re a re­al friend.

–Park­ing lot, La­Guardia

Over­heard by: slight­ly con­fused

But Do “The Pee Pee Dance” for My Amuse­ment, and We’ll Talk

Des­per­ate la­dy walk­ing in din­er: Can I use your bath­room?
Din­er guy: Bath­rooms are for cus­tomers on­ly.
Des­per­ate la­dy: I’ll give you ten dol­lars.
Din­er guy: Bath­rooms are for cus­tomers.
Des­per­ate la­dy: I’m des­per­ate.
Din­er guy: You can talk to the man­ag­er.
Des­per­ate la­dy to man­ag­er: Can I use your bath­room?
Man­ag­er: Bath­rooms are for cus­tomers.
Des­per­ate la­dy: I’ll give you ten dol­lars.
Man­ag­er: I don’t need ten dol­lars.

–Din­er, Chelsea

Over­heard by: ste­phie

Broth­er, Can You Spare a Wednes­day One-Lin­er?

Girl on cell, pac­ing out­side of restau­rant: What hap­pened to you? It was so good to run in­to you, but you look like a home­less per­son!

–St. Mark’s Place b/w Ave A & 1st Ave

Guy to young girl: I think the home­less guy on my block has re­al self-es­teem is­sues.

–As­tor Place

Man­ag­er to hobo: Je­sus Christ, don’t let me catch you here again! The Radis­son is right around the cor­ner!

–Mc­Don­ald’s

Pow­er walk­ing suit on phone: I know, I’ve nev­er ac­tu­al­ly seen a fe­male hobo be­fore.

–Grand Cen­tral

Suit on cell: So like, she was home­less, right? But she look gooood!

–6th & 19th

Over­heard by: Sanam Skel­ly

Woman at red ta­ble with wa­ter jug: Help the home­less! C’­mon! They don’t like dat shit!

–Times Square

Over­heard by: Crac­ka Jack

To­day, He is Tru­ly an African-Amer­i­can

Black guy: Good god. I had to ac­tu­al­ly work to­day.
In­di­an chick: By “work” you ob­vi­ous­ly mean tak­ing cred­it for the many hours of hard la­bor en­dured by my fel­low In­di­an IT brethren who re­port to you. You ex­ploit­ing bas­tard.
Black guy: Ha, ha. Like slav­ery. But I’m Black.
In­di­an chick: Oh, the wicked irony.
Black guy: Word.

–Wall Street

Over­heard by: dra­ma