Archive for the ‘Bouncers’ Category

The Peo­ple’s Re­pub­lic of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Wasp woman, look­ing at Asian Peo­ples ex­hib­it: Oh, hon­ey, look, that woman looks just like that woman at that Chi­nese food place we like!

–Mu­se­um of Na­tru­al His­to­ry

Over­heard by: Heather

Old­er man to Chi­nese friend: You know, Cau­casians re­al­ly can’t tell the dif­fer­ence be­tween the Asians and the Chi­nese.

–23rd St b/w 5th & 6th Ave

Over­heard by: James

Burly bounc­er to burnt-out groupie: Don’t think of it as a fin­ger, think of it as an Asian pe­nis.

–11th & 3rd

Tourist on cell: I think I’m head­ing to­wards Lit­tle Italy, but all I see are Chi­nese peo­ple. I feel like fuckin’ Mar­co Po­lo. Fuck man, where are you? (trips on curb and falls in­to pile of trash bags)

–Canal St

Gig­gling 20-some­thing: So we hired a new in­tern, and she’s Asian!

–Mur­ray Hill

Over­heard by: sab

Scenes from the Scene

Dude: Shit in the pussy!
Wolf Pa­rade singer: …Did some­one just say “shit in the pussy”?

–Bow­ery Ball­room, De­lancey Street

Over­heard by: clau­dia gal­lego

Suit: Hey ass­hole stand­ing up, sit the fuck down!
Hip­ster guy: Hey ass­hole sit­ting down, stand the fuck up!
Suit: I did­nt pay $800 to look at the back of your head!
Hip­ster guy: Come down here and try some­thing and i’ll sue your ass! Nice suit, fag!

–Cream Con­cert, Madi­son Square Gar­den

Over­heard by: ze­tas­mack

Girl: Hey, you guys were great. If you’re not do­ing any­thing af­ter, call my num­ber, I wrote it next to the mon­u­ment [on this dol­lar].
Juras­sic 5 singer: Wow..uh, great. Take care, now.
Girl: Yeah, see you lat­er.
Juras­sic 5 singer: …Dude, she just gave me her phone num­ber. You take it.
Guy: Yeah? Wow, thanks!
Juras­sic 5 singer: Yeah, but bud­dy, you make sure you tap that shit, now, y’­hear? A’right.

–70th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Sharon B

Pat O’Brien: Um, ex­cuse me…
Bounc­er: Oh shit, that’s Pat O’Brien, that’s my peo­ples.
Guy: …Aw, come on, we’ve been wait­ing out here for an hour and Pat O’Brien gets in?
Bounc­er: Yo, don’t step, Pat O’Brien is good peo­ples.

–Canal Room, West Broad­way

Drag queen: Madon­na should die! She sucks! She’s a rapist, not an artist!…Madonna should die! I’ll kill her!
Guy: Get a vagi­na, bitch!

–The Roxy, West 18th Street

Over­heard by: G‑Lock

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Take Oc­ca­sion­al Breaks to Eat and Show­er

Mi­ni-skirt on cell: Just be­cause I had sex with you does­n’t mean I gave you my phone num­ber!

–52nd & Lex­ing­ton

Brunette with a booty on her cell: You’re go­ing to be a whore this sum­mer. (quick pause) Can you start by com­ing out here and whor­ing your­self?!

–Penn Sta­tion

Hot brunette on cell: Ohmigod. How does he do those back­flips? He’s like 6 feet tall and su­per built. He prob­a­bly gets so much ass. What­ev­er, I would to­tal­ly be his groupie.

–Mid­town East

Over­heard by: damn i’d be his groupie too

Bounc­er to bounc­er: The bible does say “Be fruit­ful and mul­ti­ply.” It does­n’t say “with one per­son.”

–West Vil­lage

Over­heard by: Bible Fan

Chick: I’m not a whore, but I am not gonna miss out on a chance to fuck that bitch’s boyfriend. Plus, she owes me like 30 bucks.

–L Train

Over­heard by: Kel­ly

What Hap­pened to You, Alex P. Keaton?

Banker guy: I hope you have bail mon­ey.
Bounc­er guy: Fuck you.
Man­ag­er guy: What’s the prob­lem here?
Banker guy: He shoved me.
Man­ag­er guy: I don’t know any­thing about that, but you did­n’t bring ID.
Banker guy: I have my Dart­mouth ID and my Gold­man Sachs ID.

–out­side Brass Mon­key, Lit­tle West 12th Street

Over­heard by: pb dot c

Like Squeez­ing a Stress Doll

Bounc­er: Nice. Are those re­al?
Hot­tie: What do you think?
Bounc­er: Can I check?
Hot­tie: You can poke at ’em, just don’t feel them up.

He does so.

Bounc­er: You can tell that they’re fake.
Hot­tie: Well, they’re big­ger than they used to be.

–Club Spir­it, Chelsea

Over­heard by: John­ny En­ve­lope