Archive for the ‘Bouncers’ Category

It’s Bad Enough I Al­ready Think About Aunt Phyl­lis

Clear­ly drunk col­lege stu­dent: Dude, I need ad­vice. If you meet this re­al­ly hot girl that hap­pens to have the same name as your moth­er, do you still do her?
Bounc­er: Hell yeah. Why not? She’s hot, right?
Clear­ly drunk col­lege stu­dent: Ugh, I don’t know. I don’t want to think of my mom the whole time. I can’t do it.

–Walk­er & Church

Wednes­day How-Many-Lin­ers?

Tourist, look­ing at build­ings across from Cen­tral Park: So which one is the Stat­ue of Lib­er­ty?

–Colum­bus Cir­cle

Girl: Are pork chops made of lamb?

–23rd & Park Ave

Over­heard by: No­ra Claire

Girl to bounc­er at bar: Does this place have re­al­ly awe­some bath­rooms?

–East Vil­lage

Over­heard by: bb

Tourist: Is Chi­na­town closed?

–Canal St

Over­heard by: Kris­ten

Hip­pie at ex­hib­it for world’s most ex­treme an­i­mals: Are they alive?

–Mu­se­um of Nat­ur­al His­to­ry

Over­heard by: gregums­da­greg­gy

La­dy on cell: Times Square’s where that ball is, right?

–42nd St & 6th St

Over­heard by: tourists rock

Guy: What is this? So I sign up and get a free beer?

–Des­ig­nat­ed Dri­ver Booth, Citi Field

Over­heard by: AJ

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Grow­ers, Not Show­ers

Bounc­er on phone: I don’t care if they is bald­ing, got big guts or lit­tle dicks!

–Hous­ton & Lafayette

Over­heard by: chid­dox

Flam­ing gay man to lover: You have a small dick that nev­er gets erect, and you are not in my will!

–Av­enue St John & Kel­ly Streets, Bronx

Over­heard by: Li’l Squeak­er

Hobo: Stop con­trol­ling my eye­balls to look at your dick!

–Times Square

30-some­thing man: Waaaaait, did they say “dick in cider” or “dick in­side her”?

–7th St & St. Mark’s

Over­heard by: Juicy

High school kid: I wish I had two dicks. (pause) So both of my hands have some­thing to do in class.

–Q27 Bus Stop

Over­heard by: cough.cough.cough

Woman on phone: It’s not about you, it’s about your small dick.

–Times Square

Girl to friend: So you’re go­ing to tu­tor his dick, right?

–Uni­ver­si­ty & 10th St

It’s Hard to Go Back to Vanil­la Once You’ve Had M&M

Bounc­er: What is *with* you tonight?
Girl pro­mot­ing free com­e­dy show: I had sex last night and I want every­one to be hap­py for me! His ball sack melt­ed in my mouth! (to passer­by) Free com­e­dy show down­stairs tonight! (a sec­ond lat­er, scream­ing across the street) His ball sack melt­ed in my mouth!

–Bleeck­er Street

Over­heard by: Sarah Booz

Are You Pre-op or Post-op, Wednes­day One-Lin­ers?

Prag­mat­ic bounc­er: Well, there weren’t enough women there, so we threw in a tran­ny…

–Broad­way Cari­bou Cof­fee

Over­heard by: jen­ny Lui

Man, to friend: So, he says to me “Oh, I have a sex-change op­er­a­tion sched­uled for that day, so I can’t make it.”

–46th, b/w 8th & 9th

Over­heard by: chris­tine

30-some­thing woman with nose ring, on cell: She’s like a trans­ves­tite… And an ug­ly bird. She’s like a trans­ves­tite and an emu. [pause] It’s a re­al­ly ug­ly bird.

–7th Ave

Over­heard by: James from Jer­sey

Guy: So then I was like, suck my twat!

–21st & 6th

20-some­thing girl: I had him as both a man and a woman.

–17th St & 5th Ave

Over­heard by: Tater

Dude: It’s been ages since I had tes­ti­cles!

–Grand Sichuan, St. Mark’s Place

Over­heard by: Rose Fox

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers for the Poly­glots

Frus­trat­ed bounc­er: You don’t speak Span­ish, you don’t speak Chi­nese, what the fuck do you speak?

–Broome Street, Chi­na­town

Woman, talk­ing to friends: And I love how his “Do­mini­can” wife has an Irish ac­cent.

–109th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Cas­san­dra

Crazy guy run­ning: The British are com­ing! The British are com­ing!

–8th St & 6th Ave

Woman talk­ing to friend: So this Chi­nese guy told me he was speak­ing Viet­namese. I nev­er knew that Viet­nam was in chi­na! I felt so ig­no­rant af­ter that.

–St. Mark’s & 1st Ave

30-some­thing woman to her fe­male friend: I did­n’t know he was gay. I just thought he was French.

–E 34th St

For­eign woman, af­ter the en­tire au­di­ence has been scream­ing “Cunt! Cunt!” at the end of “Re­claim­ing Cunt” dur­ing “The Vagi­na Mono­logues”: I think my Eng­lish is im­prov­ing!

–New School