Archive for the ‘Breaking Up’ Category

My Oth­er Op­tion Is to Be Baked In­to the Wed­ding Cake

White guy talk­ing about his ex-girl­friend: Then she was like “Oh, I’m get­ting mar­ried. I want you to be part of my wed­ding.” She was like “You can be my brides-man.“
Even whiter friend: What? Like a groom?
White guy: No! A brides-man.

–6 Train

Over­heard by: play­toe

Fig­ures Don’t Lie

Girl: How long since we broke up is it okay for my ex to start hav­ing sex?
Guy: Who broke up with who?
Girl: I broke up with him last week. He slept with four girls since.
Guy: I think if you broke up with him, it’s okay for him.
Girl: Damn, cause I on­ly slept with one guy since. But I did cheat on him with three guys, so we’re even.

–21st St

Over­heard by: learn­ing some­thing new every­day

Wednes­day One-lin­ers Spell It “Am­i­nals”

Some­one Get Him a Man­pon, STAT!

Woman, 40s: …so I was like, no man can get away with that! I won’t let him get away with that! So I de­cid­ed to leave him. I took my clothes, my jew­el­ry, and my mon­ey, I did­n’t need no more than that…are you lis­ten­ing to me? So I packed my bags, took my jew­el­ry, his jew­el­ry, my mon­ey, his mon­ey, and left $5 on the dresser–leave him broke, right? And then be­fore I left, he was sleep­ing? And you know, the mus­cle still works even when he’s sleep­ing (there’s kids around but y’all know what mus­cle I’m talk­ing about). So I did what I had to do, right, and then I took the su­per­glue and stuck it right to his stom­ach. I glued that shit down. I rubbed it all over his hair down there, too. Got him good. Neigh­bors told me he had to go to the hos­pi­tal, get that shit sur­gi­cal­ly re­moved.

–4 train

Over­heard by: An­na

How Much Is That Wednes­day One-Lin­er in the Win­dow?

Man eat­ing brunch to male friend: We both came out sev­en years ago. We are pup­py gay in dog years.

–Big Dad­dy’s Din­er

Over­heard by: Mor­gan

Very lov­ing mom talk­ing to daugh­ter about her son: Hey! He is not an an­i­mal, he is not a dog. Well, at least not to­day!

–Hel­l’s Kitchen

Out­raged woman to man: What? No! Do not put the dog in the fur­nace, Ted!

–Court Street

Chick with cig­a­rette, on cell: … Leath­ery fetish dog-masks, or just Hal­loween style dog-masks?

–Out­side Tagine, 40th & 9th

Over­heard by: La­dle

Philo­soph­i­cal suit: The on­ly rea­son I haven’t di­vorced my wife is be­cause of the dog.

–Up­per East Side

Un­less I Could In­ter­est You in Some Re­bound Sex?

20-some­thing girl (fol­low­ing old­er man and sniff­ing him): Mm­m­m­m­mm.
Old­er man (let­ting her pass): Ex­cuse me?
Girl: Sor­ry about that. You smell like my boyfriend. And he dumped me two days ago. (eyes well up)
Old­er man: Well, you’re mak­ing me ner­vous. Keep on walk­ing, hon­ey.

–4 Train

Over­heard by: alex

The Ug­ly Busi­ness of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Ag­i­tat­ed pa­pi: I love him like a broth­er, but he a fuckin’ in­con­sid­er­ate, un­grate­ful, self­ish bas­tard! And he got a ug­ly ba­by!

–14th & Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Man­hattman

Young Kid: New York is ug­ly!

–JFK

Over­heard by: La­toya Sir­atana

Wise teen girl: That’s not giv­ing up on him. That’s let­ting him fuck ugli­er girls.

–Brook­lyn Bridge

Over­heard by: walk­ing the bridge

Gig­gling lit­tle girl in stroller: I’m ug­ly! I’m ug­ly! I’m ug­ly! I’m ug­ly! I’m ug­ly…!

–Down­town R train

Old­er woman to com­plete stranger: You should re­al­ly stop eat­ing that crap be­cause it’s go­ing to make you ugli­er than you al­ready are!

–Fair­way, W 73rd St

Over­heard by: just try­ing to buy my gro­ceries…

B&T guy: As I was say­ing, just ’cause you’re ug­ly, don’t mean you’re smart.

–Low­er East Side

Nah, She’s Fak­ing the Hys­te­ria, Too

Boyfriend: I’m sor­ry, I just can’t be with you any­more. You’re too clingy.
Girl­friend: I’m not clingy! I fucked, like, ten oth­er guys!
Boyfriend: While we were dat­ing?
Girl­friend: What­ev­er, it was be­cause you’re not that good in bed. Oh, yeah, I faked all my or­gasms, by the way. And my boobs? –Aren’t wa­ter bal­loons!
Boyfriend: Dude. First of all, we’re on a moth­er­fuck­ing-packed sub­way. Sec­ond of all, be­ing a crazy bitch is­n’t go­ing to help your case.
Girl­friend starts cry­ing hys­ter­i­cal­ly: You can’t break up with me! I love you! I love you! I love you!
Stranger, to boyfriend: If you’re think­ing of killing your­self af­ter this, I sell knives.

–Brook­lyn-bound L train

Boys Take Non-Pok­ing Very Lit­er­al­ly

Teen girl: I was so mad at him that I un­friend­ed him on Face­book.
Friend: What does that mean?
Teen girl: I was mad, but not mad enough to break up. This way we can still mes­sage each oth­er, but he can’t poke me any­more.
Friend: So, tech­ni­cal­ly, would this be sym­bol­ic or metaphor­i­cal ac­tion?
Teen girl: What?
Friend: Nev­er­mind.

–Penn Sta­tion