Archive for the ‘Breaking Up’ Category

Dude, Would You Please Cow­boy Up?

Des­per­ate law stu­dent: But I love you!
Heart­less biotech: That’s your prob­lem, not mine.
Des­per­ate law stu­dent: I can’t live with­out you.
Heart­less biotech: So don’t.
Des­per­ate law stu­dent: You would­n’t even care if I killed my­self, would you?
Heart­less biotech: Not un­less you de­cid­ed to do it in front of my house and I had to have po­lice and the me­dia there. Then I’d be pissed.
Des­per­ate law stu­dent: How can you be so cru­el to some­one who loves you so much?
Heart­less biotech: Oh, just one thing — if you do de­cide to kill your­self try to do it the week of Au­gust sixth, ’cause I’ll be in Martha’s Vine­yard with Ja­son then.

–Brook­lyn Law School li­brary

Over­heard by: Big Lar­ry — cring­ing with em­pa­thy

The Need for An­ti-Meme Drugs Be­comes Ever More Press­ing

Ghet­to girl: Man, I can’t be­lieve he did this! I mean, we was in this re­la­tion­ship for like two weeks, and now he be tryin’ to dump me! He was all, “Yeah, we’re over.” I was like, “What you talkin’ about?” Then he was all, “I’m tak­ing you off my Top 8.“
Passer­by: He took you off his Top 8? Oh, hell, no.

–Barysh­nikov Arts Cen­ter

Over­heard by: ran­dom dancer

“What do you mean, you’re an Av­er­age Joe?”

Woman #1: She had been dat­ing him for, like, two years and then she saw him on a re­al­i­ty dat­ing show last night. Now she’s go­ing break up with him.
Woman #2: Well, maybe the show was filmed be­fore they were dat­ing. You know, some­times those things take a while to get on the air.
Woman #1: They were go­ing out for 2 years! Don’t you think he should have at least men­tioned to her, “By the way, I was on a dat­ing show”?

–Du­ane Reade, 52nd be­tween Madi­son & Park

Over­heard by: Cap­tain Ob­vi­ous

Dif­fer­ent Strokes for Dif­fer­ent Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Guy say­ing good­bye to la­dy friend: Then I mas­tur­bat­ed, and rubbed this sand­wich all over my­self! (pro­ceeds to rub sub sand­wich over his chest)

–46th St & Broad­way

Over­heard by: James

Man to woman push­ing stroller: That guy’s kid beats the meat all day long!

–66th St & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Wow.

Guy in trench coat: He mas­tur­bat­ed the oth­er day in or­der to ex­pel…

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Amused

Girl: You re­al­ly need good hand-eye co­or­di­na­tion to mas­tur­bate.

–Bard High School, Queens

Over­heard by: Sun­ny

Guy on phone: So, even though we’re not to­geth­er any­more, you don’t want me see­ing oth­er peo­ple? (pause) What am I sup­posed to do? (pause) What do I need to use my hand for?

–White Plains Road

Over­heard by: Chad

My Oth­er Op­tion Is to Be Baked In­to the Wed­ding Cake

White guy talk­ing about his ex-girl­friend: Then she was like “Oh, I’m get­ting mar­ried. I want you to be part of my wed­ding.” She was like “You can be my brides-man.“
Even whiter friend: What? Like a groom?
White guy: No! A brides-man.

–6 Train

Over­heard by: play­toe

Fig­ures Don’t Lie

Girl: How long since we broke up is it okay for my ex to start hav­ing sex?
Guy: Who broke up with who?
Girl: I broke up with him last week. He slept with four girls since.
Guy: I think if you broke up with him, it’s okay for him.
Girl: Damn, cause I on­ly slept with one guy since. But I did cheat on him with three guys, so we’re even.

–21st St

Over­heard by: learn­ing some­thing new every­day

Wednes­day One-lin­ers Spell It “Am­i­nals”