Archive for the ‘Breaking Up’ Category

The Need for An­ti-Meme Drugs Be­comes Ever More Press­ing

Ghet­to girl: Man, I can’t be­lieve he did this! I mean, we was in this re­la­tion­ship for like two weeks, and now he be tryin’ to dump me! He was all, “Yeah, we’re over.” I was like, “What you talkin’ about?” Then he was all, “I’m tak­ing you off my Top 8.“
Passer­by: He took you off his Top 8? Oh, hell, no.

–Barysh­nikov Arts Cen­ter

Over­heard by: ran­dom dancer

“What do you mean, you’re an Av­er­age Joe?”

Woman #1: She had been dat­ing him for, like, two years and then she saw him on a re­al­i­ty dat­ing show last night. Now she’s go­ing break up with him.
Woman #2: Well, maybe the show was filmed be­fore they were dat­ing. You know, some­times those things take a while to get on the air.
Woman #1: They were go­ing out for 2 years! Don’t you think he should have at least men­tioned to her, “By the way, I was on a dat­ing show”?

–Du­ane Reade, 52nd be­tween Madi­son & Park

Over­heard by: Cap­tain Ob­vi­ous

Dif­fer­ent Strokes for Dif­fer­ent Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Guy say­ing good­bye to la­dy friend: Then I mas­tur­bat­ed, and rubbed this sand­wich all over my­self! (pro­ceeds to rub sub sand­wich over his chest)

–46th St & Broad­way

Over­heard by: James

Man to woman push­ing stroller: That guy’s kid beats the meat all day long!

–66th St & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Wow.

Guy in trench coat: He mas­tur­bat­ed the oth­er day in or­der to ex­pel…

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Amused

Girl: You re­al­ly need good hand-eye co­or­di­na­tion to mas­tur­bate.

–Bard High School, Queens

Over­heard by: Sun­ny

Guy on phone: So, even though we’re not to­geth­er any­more, you don’t want me see­ing oth­er peo­ple? (pause) What am I sup­posed to do? (pause) What do I need to use my hand for?

–White Plains Road

Over­heard by: Chad

My Oth­er Op­tion Is to Be Baked In­to the Wed­ding Cake

White guy talk­ing about his ex-girl­friend: Then she was like “Oh, I’m get­ting mar­ried. I want you to be part of my wed­ding.” She was like “You can be my brides-man.“
Even whiter friend: What? Like a groom?
White guy: No! A brides-man.

–6 Train

Over­heard by: play­toe

Fig­ures Don’t Lie

Girl: How long since we broke up is it okay for my ex to start hav­ing sex?
Guy: Who broke up with who?
Girl: I broke up with him last week. He slept with four girls since.
Guy: I think if you broke up with him, it’s okay for him.
Girl: Damn, cause I on­ly slept with one guy since. But I did cheat on him with three guys, so we’re even.

–21st St

Over­heard by: learn­ing some­thing new every­day

Wednes­day One-lin­ers Spell It “Am­i­nals”

Some­one Get Him a Man­pon, STAT!

Woman, 40s: …so I was like, no man can get away with that! I won’t let him get away with that! So I de­cid­ed to leave him. I took my clothes, my jew­el­ry, and my mon­ey, I did­n’t need no more than that…are you lis­ten­ing to me? So I packed my bags, took my jew­el­ry, his jew­el­ry, my mon­ey, his mon­ey, and left $5 on the dresser–leave him broke, right? And then be­fore I left, he was sleep­ing? And you know, the mus­cle still works even when he’s sleep­ing (there’s kids around but y’all know what mus­cle I’m talk­ing about). So I did what I had to do, right, and then I took the su­per­glue and stuck it right to his stom­ach. I glued that shit down. I rubbed it all over his hair down there, too. Got him good. Neigh­bors told me he had to go to the hos­pi­tal, get that shit sur­gi­cal­ly re­moved.

–4 train

Over­heard by: An­na

How Much Is That Wednes­day One-Lin­er in the Win­dow?

Man eat­ing brunch to male friend: We both came out sev­en years ago. We are pup­py gay in dog years.

–Big Dad­dy’s Din­er

Over­heard by: Mor­gan

Very lov­ing mom talk­ing to daugh­ter about her son: Hey! He is not an an­i­mal, he is not a dog. Well, at least not to­day!

–Hel­l’s Kitchen

Out­raged woman to man: What? No! Do not put the dog in the fur­nace, Ted!

–Court Street

Chick with cig­a­rette, on cell: … Leath­ery fetish dog-masks, or just Hal­loween style dog-masks?

–Out­side Tagine, 40th & 9th

Over­heard by: La­dle

Philo­soph­i­cal suit: The on­ly rea­son I haven’t di­vorced my wife is be­cause of the dog.

–Up­per East Side