Archive for the ‘Brits’ Category

You Can’t Judge a Wednes­day by Its One-Lin­er

Col­lege stu­dent: This is the best Barnes & No­ble I’ve ever seen!

–Bor­ders, Time Warn­er Cen­ter

Stu­dent: So, the au­thor of the Tao Te Ching, Lao-low… Fuck it, we’re call­ing him L‑train.

–Eu­gene Lang Col­lege

Over­heard by: Hark­er

Large woman with friends: Oh, girl, I got to tell you about this book I’m read­ing. It’s off the hook! They’re send­ing in this un­der­cov­er agent, and I think it’s his sis­ter, but he’s all get­ting ready to have sex with her!

–White Cas­tle, 36th & 8th

Over­heard by: Dun­can Pflaster

Woman on phone: I was in Union Square, so I stopped in Barnes & No­ble. (pause) Nig­ga, I can read!

–Union Square

Lit­tle British boy: Oh my good­ness, dad, look! They have books on dat­ing. How to Date? is prob­a­bly like, “Don’t take her to Mc­Don­ald’s!”

–Barnes & No­ble

Over­heard by: Lau­ra

Tat­tooed art­sy guy, putting hand on art­sy Asian girl’s shoul­der: I read your book and re­al­ly liked it… lot­ta piss­ing, huh?

–Mott & Prince

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers May Leave a Bad Taste in Your Mouth

Bland mid­dle-aged woman: It’s not like you’re giv­ing head in the Port Au­thor­i­ty bath­room!

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Over­heard by: j

Eng­lish tourist: You’ll go home and peo­ple will ask: “So what did you do on hol­i­day?” You’ll re­ply: “Oh, I gave the Em­pire State Build­ing a blowjob!”

–34th St

Guy on cell: Ugh, fuck me in the ass. No… no, not you. Meanie. Why don’t you just suck my dick. Suck my dick!

–34th Street

Dude on cell: It was like get­ting a blowjob from the in­side.

–8th Ave & 53rd St

Guy on cell: Is that the guy that’s been suck­ing your dick?

–81st & Am­s­ter­dam

Over­heard by: Kel­ley

Young guy on cell: And then I said: “I could re­al­ly use a blowjob right now.” She was of­fend­ed!

–48th & Park

Young black man to friend: Just be­cause she sucks my dick does­n’t make her Oprah Win­frey.

–B48 Bus

What You Get for Talk­ing to Strangers

Coke­head: Hey bud­dy, you got a cig­a­rette?
Brit tourist: Yeah, man. Here.
Coke­head: Hey, smell my face.
Brit tourist: Why?
Coke­head: Just smell it, go on! (sticks chin out and push­es face to Brit’s nose)
Brit tourist: No way man, why?
Coke head: Please.
(Brit tourist smells his face)
Brit tourist: What is that?
Coke­head: That’s the smell of a thou­sand-dol­lar hook­er’s pussy.

–42nd & 3rd

Blow It Out Your Wednes­day One-Lin­er

Well-dressed British man on cell, as he walks odd­ly: Lis­ten girl, I fart­ed so hard yes­ter­day I blast­ed half my ass off. (pause) No, se­ri­ous­ly! I am still walk­ing fun­ny!

–24th St b/w 6th & 7th

Over­heard by: Joseph

Teenage boy to an­oth­er: One time this hot bitch fart­ed on my lap, and I did­n’t know what to do.

–12th St & Uni­ver­si­ty Place

Crazy hobo sit­ting on blan­ket: I used to wear un­der­wear, but then I fart­ed and left a stain, so de­cid­ed no more. Can any­one spare any change?

–87th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Ny­nan­ny

Girl from Louisiana: What can I say? I’m a South­ern girl. I fart craw­fish.

–McLean Ave, Yonkers

Woman on phone: Well, the ro­mance is out of my life: this morn­ing Greg came in my mouth, then straight away leaned back and fart­ed.

–Beard St & Van Brunt St, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: craig hunter