Archive for the ‘Brits’ Category

This Is a Drawing of a Teapot, Ma’am

Pharmacist, coming out from behind counter: So how can I help you?
British tourish: Well, I have a headache and a bit of a sore throat and [pulls out piece of paper, shows to pharmacist] I am not sure, but I think this is illegal in the United States.

–Duane Reade, 47th & Lexington

Overheard by: EthanK

You Can’t Judge a Wednesday by Its One-Liner

College student: This is the best Barnes & Noble I’ve ever seen!

–Borders, Time Warner Center

Student: So, the author of the Tao Te Ching, Lao-low… Fuck it, we’re calling him L‑train.

–Eugene Lang College

Overheard by: Harker

Large woman with friends: Oh, girl, I got to tell you about this book I’m reading. It’s off the hook! They’re sending in this undercover agent, and I think it’s his sister, but he’s all getting ready to have sex with her!

–White Castle, 36th & 8th

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Woman on phone: I was in Union Square, so I stopped in Barnes & Noble. (pause) Nigga, I can read!

–Union Square

Little British boy: Oh my goodness, dad, look! They have books on dating. How to Date? is probably like, “Don’t take her to McDonald’s!”

–Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: Laura

Tattooed artsy guy, putting hand on artsy Asian girl’s shoulder: I read your book and really liked it… lotta pissing, huh?

–Mott & Prince

Wednesday One-Liners May Leave a Bad Taste in Your Mouth

Bland middle-aged woman: It’s not like you’re giving head in the Port Authority bathroom!

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: j

English tourist: You’ll go home and people will ask: “So what did you do on holiday?” You’ll reply: “Oh, I gave the Empire State Building a blowjob!”

–34th St

Guy on cell: Ugh, fuck me in the ass. No… no, not you. Meanie. Why don’t you just suck my dick. Suck my dick!

–34th Street

Dude on cell: It was like getting a blowjob from the inside.

–8th Ave & 53rd St

Guy on cell: Is that the guy that’s been sucking your dick?

–81st & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Kelley

Young guy on cell: And then I said: “I could really use a blowjob right now.” She was offended!

–48th & Park

Young black man to friend: Just because she sucks my dick doesn’t make her Oprah Winfrey.

–B48 Bus

What You Get for Talking to Strangers

Cokehead: Hey buddy, you got a cigarette?
Brit tourist: Yeah, man. Here.
Cokehead: Hey, smell my face.
Brit tourist: Why?
Cokehead: Just smell it, go on! (sticks chin out and pushes face to Brit’s nose)
Brit tourist: No way man, why?
Coke head: Please.
(Brit tourist smells his face)
Brit tourist: What is that?
Cokehead: That’s the smell of a thousand-dollar hooker’s pussy.

–42nd & 3rd