Archive for the ‘Brits’ Category

Did You Feel As Dirty As I Did When He Said “Taste­bud Sen­sa­tion”?

Old british man, to liquor store em­ploy­ees: Have any of you ever tried this beer?
Thugged-out liquor store em­ploy­ee #1: Nah.
Old british man: Oh, it’s a splen­did Bel­gian stout, very sweet. It’s my ab­solute fa­vorite va­ri­ety of Bel­gian beer. You should try it some­time. It is ab­solute­ly di­vine, a taste­bud sen­sa­tion the likes of which I can guar­an­tee you’ve nev­er known. Well, have a great night, chaps. [Pays for his beer and walks out.]Thugged-out liquor store em­ploy­ee #1: Yo, dog, you hear that guy’s ac­cent? You think his ac­cent was re­al?
Thugged-out liquor store em­ploy­ee #2: Nah.
Thugged-out liquor store em­ploy­ee #1: I don’t think so, ei­ther.
Thugged-out liquor store em­ploy­ee #2: It could­n’t have been re­al. You hear that guy? He ain’t from no for­eign coun­try. He spoke per­fect Eng­lish.

–Liquor Store, Man­hat­tan

Over­heard by: daile

The Waste­land Of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Guy to se­cu­ri­ty guard: We’re not fuck­ing tourists, man, we’re just try­ing to get back to our home in Jer­sey.

–Port Au­thor­i­ty

Over­heard by: Con­fab­u­la­tion Na­tion

Met­ro­sex­u­al guy: There are two kinds of peo­ple I will nev­er, ever, date. One are peo­ple who are cul­tur­al­ly ig­no­rant. The sec­ond is peo­ple from New Jer­sey.

–45th & 5th

Over­heard by: Mr. Pink

Prop­er British woman to loud drunk guy: Go back to Jer­sey!

–BB King Con­cert, Christ Unit­ed Church

Over­heard by: bb

Up­tight 40-some­thing white guy: I can’t wait to get safe­ly back in New Jer­sey!

–A Train

Over­heard by: Josh­Bob

Does a Three­some With Twins Break the Wednes­day One-Lin­er Taboo?

Suit to an­oth­er: He was just lucky not to be fuck­ing some­one in his fam­i­ly!

–Trump Build­ing

Over­heard by: Guess I’m lucky too

Gamer on head­set: Dude, you are not lis­ten­ing to me. You can’t hear me. You know why? Be­cause you have no ears. You’re the prod­uct of two re­tard­ed cousins fuck­ing each oth­er.

–Queens

Girl: He looks like my un­cle… the one I’m re­al­ly at­tract­ed to.

–Gov­er­nors Is­land fer­ry

Over­heard by: bor­ing

Male passer­by: I would­n’t fuck my fam­i­ly, but…

–4th Ave & 11th St

Over­heard by: Jes­si­ca

British pro­fes­sor wear­ing bow tie: It’s fas­ci­nat­ing just how ex­cit­ing in­cest is!

–Sil­ver Cen­ter, NYU

Just Slow­ly Back Away from the Ter­ri­fy­ing For­eign Per­son

Barista: Sir, you can pay for the juice over there.
Mid­dle-aged Brit: But I bought it.
Barista: No you did­n’t.
Mid­dle-aged Brit: Yes, I did — at an­oth­er place.
Barista: Yeah, oookay [rolls eyes].
Mid­dle-aged Brit: I re­al­ly did.
Barista: Yeah, oookay.
Mid­dle-aged Brit: What the fuck is your prob­lem?
Barista: Well, you just stole juice, and you’re be­ing an ass, so you can leave now.
Mid­dle-aged Brit: Ex­cuse–
Old la­dy Brit: –Alexan­der, just stop talk­ing! He could shoot you!

–Star­bucks, Fash­ion Dis­trict

Over­heard by: on­ly in new york

Wednes­day One-Liners–No Apolo­gies Nec­es­sary

Suit on cell: I swear, I’m go­ing to make her the sor­ri­est crip­pled girl in New York.

–Av­enue C

Hip­ster on iPhone: Hel­lo? I’m sor­ry. I can’t hear you–I have an iPhone.

–6th & 27th

Hip­ster girl to out-of-town friend: Sor­ry about the smell, this area just re­cent­ly gen­tri­fied.

–Or­chard Street b/w Broome & Grand

Loud, drunk, British girl to boyfriend: We don’t know each oth­er’s minds ‑we can’t read each oth­er’s minds! So when you do some­thing I don’t like and I tell you and then lat­er you do some­thing I don’t like and I tell you again… Well that’s two sor­ries in one day! And “sor­ry” is just a word, but you’re learn­ing about me! About my mind.

–Broad­way & Wa­ver­ly

Over­heard by: rpk

Woman on cell: Oh sor­ry, I have to go. Re­mem­ber that woman that got preg­nant by a bear? Yeah, I just ran in­to her.

–As­tor Place

Do­mini­can to friend: And just wait un­til I tell them all he’s Do­mini­can… he’ll re­al­ly be sor­ry then!

–5th Ave, near Em­pire State Build­ing

Over­heard by: Rich Mintz

It’s an Ill-In­formed Hobo Who Does­n’t Know About Hobo Gloves

Hobo: Hey, where you from, man?
Tourist #1 (wear­ing fin­ger­less gloves): Eng­land.
Hobo: I knew you ain’t from round here, cos I ain’t nev­er seen gloves like that be­fore
(hobo walks away)
Tourist #2: You should have told him they’re re­al­ly pop­u­lar with tramps in Eng­land.

–105th & Broad­way

This Is a Draw­ing of a Teapot, Ma’am

Phar­ma­cist, com­ing out from be­hind counter: So how can I help you?
British tour­ish: Well, I have a headache and a bit of a sore throat and [pulls out piece of pa­per, shows to phar­ma­cist] I am not sure, but I think this is il­le­gal in the Unit­ed States.

–Du­ane Reade, 47th & Lex­ing­ton

Over­heard by: EthanK