Archive for the ‘Bronx Science’ Category

If Every­body You Meet Is a Wednes­day One-Lin­er, Check the Mir­ror

Guy to friend: Yeah, Er­ic’s an ass­hole, but he’s like… my ass­hole.

–11th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Z

Man on cell: I en­joy suck­ing the wind out of ass­holes.

–Brook­lyn Pub­lic House

Over­heard by: In fair­ness, the con­ver­sa­tion was about ver­bal bul­lies

Girl: Wow, my ass­hole has just been all sorts of evil all day, I shat in four dif­fer­ent bath­rooms on this floor and the one up, so I would­n’t suf­fer alone. I shared its wrath. Is that wrong?

–Of­fice, Mid­town

Loud dude: My ass­hole is re­al­ly fuck­ing itchy!

–Bronx High School of Sci­ence

Over­heard by: ur­banad­ven­tur­er

Crazy hobo: At­ten­tion every­one! You’re all ass­holes! Stu­pid ass­holes!!

–Park Row, near Brook­lyn Bridge

Over­heard by: Hol­lis­ter

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Mold­ing Young Minds

Eng­lish teacher: Class, I’d like you to re­mem­ber where the line is. It is al­ways mov­ing, and it is de­ter­mined by me.

–Bronx Sci­ence

Over­heard by: HJWC

Eng­lish teacher: I rose up in­to the air and flew out the win­dow… You did­n’t no­tice this?

–Hunter Col­lege High

Over­heard by: stu­pid eng­lish stu­dent

Old teacher: Okay, there are three rules in this class­room, and I am com­plete­ly se­ri­ous. Num­ber one, no swear­ing. Num­ber two, no scuf­fles. Num­ber three, no sex un­til 3:20 when you can do what you want.

–Grace Church School

Teacher: I’m a huge fan of bath­room stall graf­fi­ti! My fa­vorite from this school is in the third floor bath­room: ‘If you can read this, you are poop­ing.’

–Bard High School Ear­ly Col­lege

Teacher to an­oth­er: You are a he­m­or­rhoid in my ass.

–Brook­lyn Tech

Over­heard by: Julie

Health teacher: Drug abuse is a symp­tom of sui­cide.

–Hunter Col­lege High

Eng­lish teacher: The next scene is about sex, so pay at­ten­tion. You might learn some­thing.

–Brook­lyn Tech

Over­heard by: Julie

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Blame Their Moth­ers

CC­NY stu­dent: I’ve al­ways thought he has psy­cho­log­i­cal prob­lems. (pause) Like, he’s one of those peo­ple that has to flip the light switch 17 times or the whole world dies.

–Hall­way, CC­NY

Over­heard by: la­dyliv­er

Suit on cell: She is try­ing to get a good ed­u­ca­tion so that she can pay for ther­a­py lat­er on.

–1250 Broad­way

Loud male cus­tomer count­ing out pack­ets of chew­ing to­bac­co: One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six! Ever since I quit my job at Sesame Street, I can’t seem to live my life. Ker­mit is my shrink, so of course I’m screwed…

–Smoke Shop, Park Slope

Over­heard by: Kiri

Dude hang­ing up his cell: Oh my god, I think all Jew­ish girls need ther­a­py.

–Good Stuff Din­er, 14th St

Over­heard by: Kosi

Suit on cell: Dude, I know, but like, you ei­ther get help, or you’re nor­mal. (pause) No, dude, pick one, get help or be nor­mal. Damn.

–Port Au­thor­i­ty

Over­heard by: Sarah

His­to­ry teacher to class: Does that make you un­com­fort­able? Be­cause I know I’m men­tal.

–Bronx High School of Sci­ence

Over­heard by: Lil­lian

Pub­lic School Teach­ers Don’t Get Paid Enough

Stu­dent #1: Mr S., you have a big we­nis.
Teacher: What!?
Stu­dent #1: “We­nis” is the ex­tra skin at the back of your el­bow.
(teacher grabs fore­arm)
Stu­dent #2: No, straight­en your arm and grab the ex­tra skin. If you pinch your we­nis re­al­ly hard it does­n’t hurt! Try it, pinch your we­nis, Mr S.

–Bronx Sci­ence

Over­heard by: LSB

Is­n’t Be­ing Killed by Naked Boy Tu­mors Kin­da… Gay?

Chick #1: Wait, how many tu­mors does he have?
Chick #2: A bunch. They all have names, too. Jeff, Tom, Bill… I can’t re­mem­ber the rest, but they’re names like that.
Chick #1: No girl tu­mors?
Guy: He does­n’t want his death to be caused by girls.
Chick #1: What about trans­ves­tites?
Guy: No, they don’t wear clothes.
Chick #1: Trans­ves­tites?
Guy: No, tu­mors.

–Bronx Sci­ence

Over­heard by: LSB