Archive for the ‘Bus Drivers’ Category

She’s on Coke, Du­u­uh!

Bus dri­ver: That’s what crack will do to you.
Crazy la­dy: What? Crack? Did you say I’m on crack? Hell no. I have too much ass to be on crack. I have too much jew­el­ry to be on crack. You see these? They’re re­al di­a­monds. You hear these? They’re keys jin­gling — keys to my house. Next time you see some­one hav­ing a bad day, just say ‘I guess they’re hav­ing a bad day’ not ‘they’re on crack. Pray for me and I’ll pray for you!

–125th & Am­s­ter­dam

Over­heard by: Columbi­a­Cat

Re­mem­ber That Whole Strike Thing?

Guy: God damn it! Where were you? I wait­ed an hour for you to show up! Were you on a cof­fee break or what?
Bus dri­ver: Sir, that’s not pos­si­ble, the lead bus was on­ly ten min­utes ahead of me. I watched him pull out of the de­pot.
Guy: Screw you! You guys are the re­al ter­ror­ists! You’re what Home­land Se­cu­ri­ty is try­ing to pro­tect us against!

–Stat­en Is­land Fer­ry Ter­mi­nal, Stat­en Is­land

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers, the Peo­ple’s Char­i­ot

Ghet­to fab bus dri­ver : Hel­lo and good morn­ing. Wel­come to the Bolt Bus, my name is Jacques and I’m go­ing to be your op­er­a­tor to­day. We do ap­pre­ci­ate your busi­ness. Well, I ap­pre­ci­ate your busi­ness. For my nails. Get­ting my hair done. Yeah.

–Bolt­Bus

Over­heard by: Julie and Mark The Snob

Bus dri­ver (as bus leaves Lex­ing­ton stop): The stop af­ter this stop will be the next stop.
(as bus turns in­to Cen­tral Park) Ladies and gen­tle­men, the next stop will be Cen­tral Park West. Please have your pass­ports ready.

–Crosstown Bus

Bus dri­ver over in­ter­com (as bus pass­es Uni­sphere): Oh, every­one’s from New York? Then y’all al­ready know this spot! I can’t tell you noth­ing! Bye.

–Shut­tle Bus, Flush­ing Mead­ows Park

Con­duc­tor: Good morn­ing! This is the bus dis­patch­er. It’s a sun­ny 78 de­grees on a beau­ti­ful Wednes­day! I’m hap­py to re­port the bus lanes in­bound to New York are slic­ing through traf­fic like a hot knife through but­ter! En­joy your day, con­trol cen­ter, out.

–NJ Tran­sit Bus

Over­heard by: Jerzey…CloseEnough

Con­duc­tor: Al­right folks, re­mem­ber to keep cool to­day and drink plen­ty of wa­ter. I rec­om­mend ya’ll eat some Hon­ey Nut Chee­rios. Hon­ey Nut Chee­rios will make ya’ll nicer to each oth­er. Stay away from that ba­con and eggs. Too hot. Yes, Hon­ey Nut Chee­rios. Have a nice day.

–B61 Bus

Over­heard by: should have eat­en break­fast

Most Peo­ple Take a Limo There

Woman: Does this bus go to the Gar­den?
Bus dri­ver: No, the M10 or 20 goes to Madi­son Square Gar­den.
Woman: Not that Gar­den; Olive Gar­den!

–M104 bus

Over­heard by: Suzanne Cerquone

Girl #1: I heard there’s this restau­rant that charges $500 for a plate.
Girl #2: Damn what they serv­ing, hu­man?

–Olive Gar­den, Times Square

Over­heard by: Kyle

Thank You Very Much, I’ll Be Here un­til Thurs­day

An­gry rid­er af­ter miss­ing a stop: Why can’t you just pull over? You was on­ly like this far away?
Bus dri­ver: I can on­ly stop at des­ig­nat­ed stops, I’m sor­ry.
An­gry rid­er: You could have stopped, you just want­ed to be a dick.
Bus dri­ver: Yeah, you would know — you suck enough of it.

–BX9 bus

Over­heard by: Don’t know much about it

And That’s How They Came Up with the Idea for Speed

Bus rid­er, af­ter bus de­tours: Hey, I want­ed to get off at 106th! [Dri­ver is silent. Pas­sen­ger ap­proach­es him an­gri­ly.] Did you hear me? I want to get off this bus. Now! [Dri­ver still silent.] Let me off this bus!
Bus dri­ver: I’m gonna stop this bus when I feel like stop­pin’ this bus, and then you are go­ing to walk back to wher­ev­er you need to walk back to! I’m late and I ain’t stop­pin’!
Tamer rid­er min­utes lat­er, 12 blocks since last stop: Can you please tell us when you might be stop­ping this bus again?
Bus dri­ver: [Si­lence.]

–Bus #104, 108th & Am­s­ter­dam

Over­heard by: Hu­mored Mid­west tourist

I’d Like You All Now to Join Me in a Cho­rus of “This Lit­tle Light of Mine”

Bus dri­ver: Good morn­ing pas­sen­gers! You may have heard re­cent­ly that bus dri­vers have been put on a di­et to make them nicer and more help­ful. Now this doc­tor has told me, “No more ba­con and eggs, but a nice bowl of oat­meal. Oh, and lots of wa­ter, fruit. And in­stead of stop­ping for some pork fried rice in the af­ter­noon, with chick­en wings, a nice piece of floun­der, maybe with some but­ter and herbs.” Now it’s been 15 days, and I am so much more po­lite to pas­sen­gers, say­ing “Good morn­ing. How do you do?” I’m even nicer to ma­ma when she gets home. Helpin’ her with her car­riage and bags; low­er­ing the bus for peo­ple at the curb. So I just want to thank you and let you know to bear with me for an­oth­er 15 days. Thank you and have a nice day.

–B61 Bus

Over­heard by: I should have eat­en break­fast