Archive for the ‘Bus Drivers’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners, the People's Chariot

Ghetto fab bus driver : Hello and good morning. Welcome to the Bolt Bus, my name is Jacques and I'm going to be your operator today. We do appreciate your business. Well, I appreciate your business. For my nails. Getting my hair done. Yeah.

–BoltBus

Overheard by: Julie and Mark The Snob

Bus driver (as bus leaves Lexington stop): The stop after this stop will be the next stop.
(as bus turns into Central Park) Ladies and gentlemen, the next stop will be Central Park West. Please have your passports ready.

–Crosstown Bus

Bus driver over intercom (as bus passes Unisphere): Oh, everyone's from New York? Then y'all already know this spot! I can't tell you nothing! Bye.

–Shuttle Bus, Flushing Meadows Park

Conductor: Good morning! This is the bus dispatcher. It's a sunny 78 degrees on a beautiful Wednesday! I'm happy to report the bus lanes inbound to New York are slicing through traffic like a hot knife through butter! Enjoy your day, control center, out.

–NJ Transit Bus

Overheard by: Jerzey…CloseEnough

Conductor: Alright folks, remember to keep cool today and drink plenty of water. I recommend ya'll eat some Honey Nut Cheerios. Honey Nut Cheerios will make ya'll nicer to each other. Stay away from that bacon and eggs. Too hot. Yes, Honey Nut Cheerios. Have a nice day.

–B61 Bus

Overheard by: should have eaten breakfast

Thank You Very Much, I’ll Be Here until Thursday

Angry rider after missing a stop: Why can’t you just pull over? You was only like this far away?
Bus driver: I can only stop at designated stops, I’m sorry.
Angry rider: You could have stopped, you just wanted to be a dick.
Bus driver: Yeah, you would know — you suck enough of it.

–BX9 bus

Overheard by: Don’t know much about it

And That’s How They Came Up with the Idea for Speed

Bus rider, after bus detours: Hey, I wanted to get off at 106th! [Driver is silent. Passenger approaches him angrily.] Did you hear me? I want to get off this bus. Now! [Driver still silent.] Let me off this bus!
Bus driver: I’m gonna stop this bus when I feel like stoppin’ this bus, and then you are going to walk back to wherever you need to walk back to! I’m late and I ain’t stoppin’!
Tamer rider minutes later, 12 blocks since last stop: Can you please tell us when you might be stopping this bus again?
Bus driver: [Silence.]

–Bus #104, 108th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Humored Midwest tourist

I'd Like You All Now to Join Me in a Chorus of “This Little Light of Mine”

Bus driver: Good morning passengers! You may have heard recently that bus drivers have been put on a diet to make them nicer and more helpful. Now this doctor has told me, “No more bacon and eggs, but a nice bowl of oatmeal. Oh, and lots of water, fruit. And instead of stopping for some pork fried rice in the afternoon, with chicken wings, a nice piece of flounder, maybe with some butter and herbs.” Now it's been 15 days, and I am so much more polite to passengers, saying “Good morning. How do you do?” I'm even nicer to mama when she gets home. Helpin' her with her carriage and bags; lowering the bus for people at the curb. So I just want to thank you and let you know to bear with me for another 15 days. Thank you and have a nice day.

–B61 Bus

Overheard by: I should have eaten breakfast

What “The Full Route” Really Means

Bus driver: Due to circumstances beyond our control, Vanderbilt will be the last stop on the bus.
Passengers: [Gasp] Oh, no!
Bus driver: And now that I know the PA system works, I was just joking. This bus will be going the full route. [A few minutes later] If you are with somebody, please have them sit on your lap. If not, introduce yourself.

–Crowded B38 bus

Overheard by: kitty

The Wheels on the Wednesday One-Liners Go Round and Round

Bus driver: The next stop on this bus is Fifth Avenue. Please have your passports ready!

–M79 bus

Bus driver: This is the Manhattan number one bus. Destination: San Juan, Puerto Rico.

–M1 bus

Bus driver: East Tremont Avenue, transfer to the 40 and 42… Put on those running shoes, there’s the 40 now!

–Fordham-bound Bx22 bus

Overheard by: Black Knight

Bus driver: Okay, now everyone move to the right side of the bus. We’re running on three wheels today, and we have to stay balanced.

–M14 bus

Overheard by: Almost moved to the other side of the bus

Bus driver: To your right you’ll see a bronze statue of Adam Clayton Powell, first black member of Congress… Looks like he’s runnin’ from the cops.

–125th & Adam Clayton Powell Blvd

Overheard by: sueinthecity

Bus driver, about jackhammers outside: Do you hear that, people? That’s the sound of real labor! [Plays the sound of the jackhammers on the intercom] Embrace it!

–Q88 bus