Archive for the ‘Bus Drivers’ Category

And That’s How They Came Up with the Idea for Speed

Bus rider, after bus detours: Hey, I wanted to get off at 106th! [Driver is silent. Passenger approaches him angrily.] Did you hear me? I want to get off this bus. Now! [Driver still silent.] Let me off this bus!
Bus driver: I’m gonna stop this bus when I feel like stoppin’ this bus, and then you are going to walk back to wherever you need to walk back to! I’m late and I ain’t stoppin’!
Tamer rider minutes later, 12 blocks since last stop: Can you please tell us when you might be stopping this bus again?
Bus driver: [Silence.]

–Bus #104, 108th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Humored Midwest tourist

I'd Like You All Now to Join Me in a Chorus of “This Little Light of Mine”

Bus driver: Good morning passengers! You may have heard recently that bus drivers have been put on a diet to make them nicer and more helpful. Now this doctor has told me, “No more bacon and eggs, but a nice bowl of oatmeal. Oh, and lots of water, fruit. And instead of stopping for some pork fried rice in the afternoon, with chicken wings, a nice piece of flounder, maybe with some butter and herbs.” Now it's been 15 days, and I am so much more polite to passengers, saying “Good morning. How do you do?” I'm even nicer to mama when she gets home. Helpin' her with her carriage and bags; lowering the bus for people at the curb. So I just want to thank you and let you know to bear with me for another 15 days. Thank you and have a nice day.

–B61 Bus

Overheard by: I should have eaten breakfast

What “The Full Route” Really Means

Bus driver: Due to circumstances beyond our control, Vanderbilt will be the last stop on the bus.
Passengers: [Gasp] Oh, no!
Bus driver: And now that I know the PA system works, I was just joking. This bus will be going the full route. [A few minutes later] If you are with somebody, please have them sit on your lap. If not, introduce yourself.

–Crowded B38 bus

Overheard by: kitty

The Wheels on the Wednesday One-Liners Go Round and Round

Bus driver: The next stop on this bus is Fifth Avenue. Please have your passports ready!

–M79 bus

Bus driver: This is the Manhattan number one bus. Destination: San Juan, Puerto Rico.

–M1 bus

Bus driver: East Tremont Avenue, transfer to the 40 and 42… Put on those running shoes, there’s the 40 now!

–Fordham-bound Bx22 bus

Overheard by: Black Knight

Bus driver: Okay, now everyone move to the right side of the bus. We’re running on three wheels today, and we have to stay balanced.

–M14 bus

Overheard by: Almost moved to the other side of the bus

Bus driver: To your right you’ll see a bronze statue of Adam Clayton Powell, first black member of Congress… Looks like he’s runnin’ from the cops.

–125th & Adam Clayton Powell Blvd

Overheard by: sueinthecity

Bus driver, about jackhammers outside: Do you hear that, people? That’s the sound of real labor! [Plays the sound of the jackhammers on the intercom] Embrace it!

–Q88 bus

Who Says Life's No Picnic for New Yorkers?

Heavy-set and sweaty bus driver to woman with pizza: Lemme…uh…have that pizza. (woman smiles awkwardly, thinking it's a joke) I wasn't kidding. Lemme have that pizza. (woman holding a bag of cookies gets on bus with child)
Heavy-set and sweaty bus driver: Oh, lemme just…uh uh…have one of these…uh uh…cookies. (takes cookie)
Small Asian woman (taken aback and extremely confused): What? You can't take these.
(bus driver stuffs cookie in mouth and ignores woman)
Bus driver, on PA: Lady, these are some good cookies.

–Uptown Bus to Met from Port Authority

The Audacity Of Wednesday One-Liners

Black guy, cutting in front of line at movie theater: Excuse me, Barack Obama is President now. Thank you.

–AMC Movie Theater

Overheard by: Emmy

Man with hand stuck in bus door to bus driver: We got a black President and you actin' like this? You civil service!

–14D Bus

Sketching Jamaican hobo: Obama is some kinda skateboard.

–Shuttle to Times Square

Subway hobo: How come Obama don't have sex with his wife no more? Because every time she opens her legs, he sees bush!

–1 Train

Man to toddler in his arms: That's Obama. He's gonna save us all from doom! From doom!

–University & 12th St

Cute, Cuter, Wednesday-One-Linest

Portly young woman browsing dress for herself, nonchalantly: Oh, this is cute, but too bad it doesn't come in fat-ass-bitch size.

–Target, Brooklyn

20-something girl to boyfriend: Oh my god, you are so cute I just wanna punch you in the face!

–135th & 5th

Overheard by: Howzith

Middle-aged woman on cell exiting bus: You have a blessed day! (to phone) No, not you! I was talking to the bus driver–he was really cute!


Overheard by: B44 rider

Student fundraiser to passerby: Taiwan needs help! Hey, you're cute enough to help Taiwan!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: L-Dubbs

Cute blonde to friend at gym: Oh my god! Look! That looks like a cuter version of this bald guy I slept with in a closet over the summer!

–14th & 3rd

Overheard by: Rob Lovett

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