Archive for the ‘Bus Drivers’ Category

I’d Like You All Now to Join Me in a Cho­rus of “This Lit­tle Light of Mine”

Bus dri­ver: Good morn­ing pas­sen­gers! You may have heard re­cent­ly that bus dri­vers have been put on a di­et to make them nicer and more help­ful. Now this doc­tor has told me, “No more ba­con and eggs, but a nice bowl of oat­meal. Oh, and lots of wa­ter, fruit. And in­stead of stop­ping for some pork fried rice in the af­ter­noon, with chick­en wings, a nice piece of floun­der, maybe with some but­ter and herbs.” Now it’s been 15 days, and I am so much more po­lite to pas­sen­gers, say­ing “Good morn­ing. How do you do?” I’m even nicer to ma­ma when she gets home. Helpin’ her with her car­riage and bags; low­er­ing the bus for peo­ple at the curb. So I just want to thank you and let you know to bear with me for an­oth­er 15 days. Thank you and have a nice day.

–B61 Bus

Over­heard by: I should have eat­en break­fast

What “The Full Route” Re­al­ly Means

Bus dri­ver: Due to cir­cum­stances be­yond our con­trol, Van­der­bilt will be the last stop on the bus.
Pas­sen­gers: [Gasp] Oh, no!
Bus dri­ver: And now that I know the PA sys­tem works, I was just jok­ing. This bus will be go­ing the full route. [A few min­utes lat­er] If you are with some­body, please have them sit on your lap. If not, in­tro­duce your­self.

–Crowd­ed B38 bus

Over­heard by: kit­ty

The Wheels on the Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Go Round and Round

Bus dri­ver: The next stop on this bus is Fifth Av­enue. Please have your pass­ports ready!

–M79 bus

Bus dri­ver: This is the Man­hat­tan num­ber one bus. Des­ti­na­tion: San Juan, Puer­to Ri­co.

–M1 bus

Bus dri­ver: East Tremont Av­enue, trans­fer to the 40 and 42… Put on those run­ning shoes, there’s the 40 now!

–Ford­ham-bound Bx22 bus

Over­heard by: Black Knight

Bus dri­ver: Okay, now every­one move to the right side of the bus. We’re run­ning on three wheels to­day, and we have to stay bal­anced.

–M14 bus

Over­heard by: Al­most moved to the oth­er side of the bus

Bus dri­ver: To your right you’ll see a bronze stat­ue of Adam Clay­ton Pow­ell, first black mem­ber of Con­gress… Looks like he’s run­nin’ from the cops.

–125th & Adam Clay­ton Pow­ell Blvd

Over­heard by: sueinthecity

Bus dri­ver, about jack­ham­mers out­side: Do you hear that, peo­ple? That’s the sound of re­al la­bor! [Plays the sound of the jack­ham­mers on the in­ter­com] Em­brace it!

–Q88 bus

Who Says Life’s No Pic­nic for New York­ers?

Heavy-set and sweaty bus dri­ver to woman with piz­za: Lemme…uh…have that piz­za. (woman smiles awk­ward­ly, think­ing it’s a joke) I was­n’t kid­ding. Lemme have that piz­za. (woman hold­ing a bag of cook­ies gets on bus with child)
Heavy-set and sweaty bus dri­ver: Oh, lemme just…uh uh…have one of these…uh uh…cookies. (takes cook­ie)
Small Asian woman (tak­en aback and ex­treme­ly con­fused): What? You can’t take these.
(bus dri­ver stuffs cook­ie in mouth and ig­nores woman)
Bus dri­ver, on PA: La­dy, these are some good cook­ies.

–Up­town Bus to Met from Port Au­thor­i­ty

The Au­dac­i­ty Of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Black guy, cut­ting in front of line at movie the­ater: Ex­cuse me, Barack Oba­ma is Pres­i­dent now. Thank you.

–AMC Movie The­ater

Over­heard by: Em­my

Man with hand stuck in bus door to bus dri­ver: We got a black Pres­i­dent and you actin’ like this? You civ­il ser­vice!

–14D Bus

Sketch­ing Ja­maican hobo: Oba­ma is some kin­da skate­board.

–Shut­tle to Times Square

Sub­way hobo: How come Oba­ma don’t have sex with his wife no more? Be­cause every time she opens her legs, he sees bush!

–1 Train

Man to tod­dler in his arms: That’s Oba­ma. He’s gonna save us all from doom! From doom!

–Uni­ver­si­ty & 12th St

Cute, Cuter, Wednes­day-One-Linest

Port­ly young woman brows­ing dress for her­self, non­cha­lant­ly: Oh, this is cute, but too bad it does­n’t come in fat-ass-bitch size.

–Tar­get, Brook­lyn

20-some­thing girl to boyfriend: Oh my god, you are so cute I just wan­na punch you in the face!

–135th & 5th

Over­heard by: Howzith

Mid­dle-aged woman on cell ex­it­ing bus: You have a blessed day! (to phone) No, not you! I was talk­ing to the bus driver–he was re­al­ly cute!


Over­heard by: B44 rid­er

Stu­dent fundrais­er to passer­by: Tai­wan needs help! Hey, you’re cute enough to help Tai­wan!

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: L‑Dubbs

Cute blonde to friend at gym: Oh my god! Look! That looks like a cuter ver­sion of this bald guy I slept with in a clos­et over the sum­mer!

–14th & 3rd

Over­heard by: Rob Lovett

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Run the Oth­er Un­der­ground Rail­road

Con­duc­tor: This is the 3:07 off peak train to Hunt­ing­ton. Stop­ping at Wood­side, Ja­maica, New Hyde Park…blah, blah, blah, you get the idea. Watch the gap. (clicks mi­cro­phone off)


Con­duc­tor: There’s a 2 ex­press train right across the plat­form. Ready, set, go!

–1 Train

Con­duc­tor: There’s a Brighton Beach-bound b train across the plat­form. Say that three times fast.

–F Train

Over­heard by: Thom Co­hen

Con­duc­tor: Ladies and gen­tle­man, I have a very im­por­tant an­nounce­ment: this is not the last he­li­copter out of Saigon. I re­peat, this is not the last he­li­copter out of Saigon. There will be an­oth­er train af­ter this one, and an­oth­er one af­ter that.

–Down­town 2 Train

Train con­duc­tor: This mes­sage is for the young man who stepped to the edge of the plat­form at the front of the train. This train feels no pain, this train has no brain. How about you?

–Down­town A Train

Over­heard by: Gui­tar­buy­er

Bus dri­ver: This is East 18th Street. If you get off here, you’ll be at the q train faster. If you choose to not use your god-giv­en walk­ing abil­i­ty, the q train is next.

–B11 Bus

Over­heard by: not us­ing her god giv­en walk­ing abil­i­ty

Con­duc­tor: This is 96th Street. Next stop, 103rd. Every­one ready? And away we go!

–1 Train

Over­heard by: Ali