Archive for the ‘Cell Phone’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers? Kinky!

300-pound girl on phone: Girl, you showed your whole booty crack? I know, he’s in­to that kinky down­town shit.

–14th St & 6th Ave

Over­heard by: bas­tar­do

Loud up­state girl: I think…doin’ any kin­da re­search in­ta fur­ries? You’re in trou­ble.

–Hud­son & Hous­ton

Over­heard by: Har­ri­et Vane

Hoochie: I mean, you gonna hand­cuff me, then hand­cuff me. But, you know, when I got­ta go do my shit, I got­ta go.

–1st St & 1st Ave

Over­heard by: ste­phie

Curly-haired girl on cell: I’ve to­tal­ly got a cold too! But I’ve al­so got bondage tape. And a cell phone ac­ti­vat­ed vi­bra­tor.

–Ouidad sa­lon

Over­heard by: Wild Dog Boy

Suit to an­oth­er, while hav­ing lunch on bench: You put duct tape on her mouth and you do it from be­hind.

–Cen­tral Park

Guy at ta­ble: You know, she’s a qual­i­ty girl, even when I was in hand­cuffs, I could tell that she was a qual­i­ty girl.

–Carnegie Deli

Over­heard by: Spazz

Mor­lock v. Eloi: The Pre­quel

A thugged out girl tests all of her ring tones as loud as pos­si­ble for a sol­id minute.

Prep­py girl: Are you se­ri­ous with that? Can you do every­one a fa­vor and stop?
Thug girl: I know you’re not talk­ing to me. You messed with the wrong girl.
Prep­py girl: I’m sor­ry, I can’t hear you. Your scream­ing phone made me deaf.
Thug girl: I’ll f her up. But then she’ll call the cops; her peo­ple love the cops. Go back to where you came from!
Prep­py girl: I’m try­ing to. That’s why I’m on the train, you stu­pid bitch. Look, you got a new cell phone and that’s great, but fig­ure it out at home.
Thug girl: I’ll f you up. You’re f‑ing with the wrong girl. Don’t be fooled by the pret­ty face.
Prep­py girl: Pret­ty face? Where?

–N train

Over­heard by: Mat­ty M.

If Any­one Has In­sight, Let Him Cal­cu­late the Num­ber

Two ho­bos are pass­ing a bot­tle.

Woman: You can’t do that! This is a pas­sen­ger train…The blood of Je­sus Christ! You can’t do that; this is a pas­sen­ger train! You need to find Jesus!…That is the dev­il’s drink. By the blood of Je­sus you need to re­pent!
Hobo #1: La­dy, I am the dev­il.
Woman: You can’t do that on a pas­sen­ger train! If I see a po­lice I will have you ar­rest­ed!
Hobo #2: You wan­na bor­row my cell phone?

–F train

Wednes­day Hold-on-There’s-Some­one-on-the-Oth­er-Lin­ers

60-year-old man on cell: I want you to do a big fave for me, okay? Call my aun­t’s house. If my aunt picks up, hang up.

–B4 Bus

Over­heard by: Vic­to­ria Taraso­va

Dude on cell: No, it’s okay, my cell­phone is at­tached to my hand. It’s part of my hand!

–Restau­rant Bath­room, 7th Ave

Over­heard by: Dun­can Pflaster

NYU guy on cell, snot­ti­ly: No wait, wait… Is it full be­cause you keep leav­ing them for me and I nev­er both­er to lis­ten? (pause) Voice­mail is a dead tech­nol­o­gy, dad.

–Bus

Over­heard by: liz

Woman on crutch­es: Peo­ple think I’m talk­ing on one of those Blue­tooth-head­phone-cell phones. Nah. I’m just talk­ing to my­self. Pfft! I ain’t got no cell phone! I just talk to my­self! That’s right!

–Food Stamp Of­fice, 14th St

Over­heard by: Er­i­ca Schrein­er

African Amer­i­can man on cell: I got­ta go. I got Richard Sim­mons on the oth­er line.

–30th St & Madi­son Ave

Over­heard by: mike v

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Get Rail­road­ed

Con­duc­tor: Check around, make sure you have all of your be­long­ings. If you have small chil­dren, make sure you hold on­to them. (in haunt­ing tone) Would­n’t want to see them disappear…into the gap.

–Metro-North Line

Over­heard by: Jess

Train con­duc­tor on PA: The last car is the qui­et car. No cell phones or loud con­ver­sa­tions please. If you need to have a con­ver­sa­tion, please do so silent­ly.

–Penn Sta­tion

Con­duc­tress, in mo­not­o­ne: The next stop on this train will be Grand Street, the last stop in the borough…in the borough.…in the bor­ough of Man­hat­tan.

–D Train

Over­heard by: Jon A.

Con­duc­tor on PA: The next stop will be 51st Street. All of you lookin’ for the lo­cal train on the oth­er plat­form: hey yo! We over here!

–14th Street Sta­tion

MTA con­duc­tor: Ladies and gen­tle­men, this train will be out of com­mis­sion, uh…right now. Get out!

–MetroNorth Train

Over­heard by: Kellin

Train con­duc­tor: Ladies and gen­tle­man, brace for im­pact. (pause) Nah…just kid­ding, I could nev­er pull that shit off. Y’all lucky we un­der­ground! Have a safe day.

–A Train

Trust Us, Ein­stein: The Girl’s On To You, See?

Man: I want to change my ac­cess code. My girl’s got my ac­cess code and I don’t want her to have it no more. I don’t want her see­ing my mes­sages, see?
Cus­tomer ser­vice la­dy: OK. But that’s a Sprint phone.
Man: So?
Woman: This is the Ver­i­zon store.
Man: Oh. Re­al­ly?

–Ver­i­zon, 86th be­tween Lex­ing­ton & 3rd

Over­heard by: Car­olyn

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Friends With Tom

Geeky boy: I think I’m hav­ing trou­ble meet­ing peo­ple on­line be­cause my My­Space page is so in­tim­i­dat­ing.
Goth girls: [Si­lence.]

–Eileen’s Cheese­cake

Girl: Hey, why did­n’t you Friend­ster me on My­Space yet?

–46th & 6th

Over­heard by: Dun­can Pflaster

Girl de­part­ing with friend: My­Space-mes­sage me when you get your new phone! But I’m sure I’ll see you be­fore then.

–Hunter Col­lege

Over­heard by: acep

Nerd: So I broke up with her by chang­ing my My­Space sta­tus from ‘In a re­la­tion­ship’ to ‘Sin­gle.’

–Star­bucks, As­tor Place

Over­heard by: Adri­enne

Ghet­to boy: Where the fuck has he been? Fuck. I’m go­ing to hunt that nig­ger down on My­Space.

–Wendy’s, 23rd St

Gui­do in car full of gui­dos, tak­ing girl’s pic­ture with cell: Hey, girl! Did­n’t I see you on My­Space last night?

–Hugh­es Ave & Ford­ham Rd

Over­heard by: Greg

Skin­ny girl on cell: What? I’m sor­ry! Lis­ten, you asked! That’s what hap­pens when you bend over and you aren’t wear­ing un­der­wear: your pussy def­i­nite­ly ends up on My­Space.

–65th & Lex

He’s More of a Skype Dude

Woman #1: I called him and I called him, and he kept let­ting it go to voice mail!
Woman #2: Well, maybe he was­n’t there. Or maybe he just did­n’t want to talk to you.
Woman #1: But, like, it could’ve been Je­sus on the phone! And he was­n’t an­swer­ing!
Woman #2: Uh, Je­sus would­n’t call on a cell phone.

–M15 bus