Archive for the ‘Church’ Category

Wednes­day, with a One-Lin­er Chas­er

Fe­male day-drink­ing tourist: Oh shit, I left my vod­ka in the church!

–Out­side Trin­i­ty Church

Man on cell: If it’s pos­si­ble to fer­ment it, we have fer­ment­ed it.

–7th St b/w 2nd & 3rd Ave

Mid­dle-aged man to younger man: You know how cats and dogs–they eat and then they go? In one end and out the oth­er. I’m like that. My blad­der has room for the equiv­a­lent of one good cock­tail.

–10th Ave and W 50th St

Over­heard by: Ah.…middle age

Com­muter at 8 am: Beer. Beer.

–Grand Cen­tral

Over­heard by: ba­con­ista

Old drunk walk­ing in­to a liquor store, to clerk: Have you got my pre­scrip­tion?

–Broad­way & 106th St

Over­heard by: rick­bruner

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers (the King James Ver­sion)

Cute chick on cell: If the Amish can do it, so can you. [Pause, then loud­er.] If the Amish can do it, so can you!

–113th & Am­s­ter­dam

Over­heard by: Wild Dog Boy

La­dy on cell: You tell my mom­ma to get her ass to church and stop sin­ning!

–Grand Con­course, 205th St.

Over­heard by: LSB

Black guy to an­oth­er: Go to the Catholic church, crac­ka. They got good drugs.

–11th & A

Mid­dle East­ern man: I be­lieve in Is­lam and Al­lah, but I drink, I smoke, and I fuck. When I stop do­ing those things, then I’ll pray.

–C Train

Over­heard by: Mark

Thug: I to­tal­ly in­vent­ed the Chuck Nor­ris re­li­gion.

–Queens Mall

Over­heard by: LSB

You’d Think Peo­ple Of Mediter­ranean De­scent Would All Get Along Swim­ming­ly

Gui­do: Ex­cuse me, miss? Miss? Have I seen you in my church?
20-some­thing girl: No.
Gui­do: No, no, I def­i­nite­ly saw you in my church. We go to the same one.
20-some­thing girl, sigh­ing: Sir… If I went to any house of wor­ship, it’d be a syn­a­gogue. And I stay as far away from those as pos­si­ble. Have a nice day now.
Gui­do: Aaaaawww, I li­i­ike you!

–82nd & Broad­way

Nos Mori­t­uri Te Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Boat PA: Ladies and gen­tle­men on the top deck of the boat, please do not stand on the bench­es. If you fall over­board, you will die in this frigid, freez­ing wa­ter. Thank you, and en­joy your vis­it to El­lis is­land.

–El­lis Is­land Fer­ry

Over­heard by: land lub­ber

Ur­ban so­phis­ti­cate: Steve Ir­win’s death was ran­dom. That stingray did not know where his heart was!

–Met­ro­pol­i­tan Opera

Over­heard by: Opera On­look­er

Male suit to woman suit: So, hope­ful­ly you’re not the an­gel of death… Are you?

–53rd & Broad­way

Over­heard by: S&B

Teen guy to three teenage girls: I’m pret­ty sure I’m in­vin­ci­ble and can’t die.

–6th Ave

Over­heard by: Justin

Woman on cell: My trip went re­al­ly well, ex­cept for Mar­i­lyn’s* death and all.

–52nd St & Madi­son

Over­heard by: kinicke

50-some­thing pro­fes­sor: So, then the lit­tle girl goes back up in­to her room where she is read­ing bible vers­es while every­one else is in church. Then, she ei­ther dies all alone… Like Heath Ledger… Or she kills her­self. We just don’t know.

–Barnard Col­lege

De­cent, Church­go­ing Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Girl on phone: Look, moth­er­fuck­er — I’ll wear what I want to church on Sun­day.

–Restau­rant, 46th St

Black woman: Yeah, chips and so­da for a dol­lar! That’s one church I won’t go back to.

–F train

Over­heard by: Kevin Z

Guy on cell: I don’t need to fuck­ing hear that at home! That’s what I’ve got church for!

–Broome & Allen

Moth­er to small daugh­ter out­side St. Patrick­’s: Stop cry­ing — I know it looks more like a haunt­ed house than a church.

–St. Patrick­’s Cathe­dral, 5th Ave

Black dude: Nig­ga, nuns ain’t re­al.

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Gabriel

In the Name Of the Fa­ther, the Son, and the Wednes­day One-Lin­er

Hus­band push­ing car­riage to wife: You’re lucky I’m on my way to church right now, or I’d kill you.

–Up­per West Side

Chick on cell: But the re­al ques­tion is, is he Catholic? And an in­som­ni­ac?

–113th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Poo­gins

Se­quined Aus­tralian drag queen: Well, I know an An­tichrist re­li­gion when I see it.

–2nd St & 2nd Ave

Over­heard by: Al­isha

Girl on phone: He told me he was raped by a Catholic priest when he was lit­tle, but like I don’t be­lieve him.

–But­ler Li­brary, Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Train con­duc­tor: 110th Street, Cathe­dral Park­way. There are church­es here, you know.

–1 Train

Man to woman, af­ter get­ting off cell phone: Ah, that was Nancy–booty call. She says I got­ta get over there be­fore she’s got to go to church.

–Q Train

Over­heard by: spy­girl

That Would Ex­plain All the Hel­mets.

Man to woman af­ter hear­ing a man sing “Amaz­ing Grace”: Maybe it was the all-re­tard­ed hour at church.


Over­heard by: ClaR­i­ty

Head­line by: bobofthe­jun­gle

· “An­oth­er Hap­py Sun­day with Si­mon and Paula.” — again
· “But It Still Beats the All-Am­putee Hour at the Strip Club.” — SNA
· “Flow­ers For Al­ger­Nun” — Paul K.
· “From Midget Mass­es to Hand­i­capped Hymns, Mega-Church­es Pull Out All The Stops” — stacey
· “They’re Down with God” — Ros­tkows­ki

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

Wednes­day 1:00-Liners

Dude, in front of closed Sta­ples: Sta­ples does­n’t open un­til fuck­ing noon? What are we, in a god­damn small town? Noon? Am I sup­posed to be in fuck­ing church right now? God!

–Meek­er St, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Si­mon

Girl on cell: Be­cause I don’t func­tion in the world of time so well.

–7th Ave b/w 27th & 28th St

Over­heard by: John C

Pi­lot on PA: Jet­Blue wel­comes you to New York City, where the lo­cal time is 1:40… 1:45… Kin­da… I think.


Law stu­dent to an­oth­er: What time is it in the re­al world?

–Ford­ham Law School