Archive for the ‘City College’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Call the Hot­line Every Week

Teen girl, de­spair­ing­ly: If they ever find out a way to bring peo­ple back to life, I’m go­ing to kill my­self!

–14th St Sub­way Plat­form

Over­heard by: yonc­to

Blonde on cell: Don’t send me stu­pid things about how you want to stab your­self in the heart. It’s in­con­sid­er­ate.

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Con­fab­u­la­tion Na­tion

Hip­ster: I’m so stressed out right now; if I was go­ing to NYU, I would’ve jumped out of a build­ing.

–City Col­lege

Over­heard by: Damn Right!

Guy on cell: You took them with al­co­hol? [Pause.] Wait, let me get this straight, you took all of them, then you got drunk? Yeah dude, that is just sui­cide.

–El­e­va­tor, Saks Fifth Ave

Old wait­ress: Were you here the time Jim­my cru­ci­fied him­self?

–Man­hat­tan Restau­rant, Green­point

Over­heard by: chris

Dis­grun­tled Lati­na to friend: And I told her bitch: “Kill your­self, you don’t even know how to smoke right!”

–4 Train

Paris Hilton: “That’s Wednes­day One-Lin­er.”

Hip­ster wait­ress to an­oth­er: Camel toe is like, re­al­ly hot, but al­so re­al­ly un­com­fort­able.


Col­lege guy to friend: Dude, I’d def­i­nite­ly date a dude who looked like a hot chick… It’s not gay.

–Hunter Col­lege

Over­heard by: Stephen

Pro­fes­sor: Wel­come to CUNY, it’s like menopause. It’s ei­ther too hot or too cold.

–City Uni­ver­si­ty of New York

Lati­no girl on cell: Bitch, please. I’m gonna look mad hot tonight. I’­ma comb my hair!

–Amer­i­can Ap­par­el

Male pro­fes­sor: I don’t care how hot Brad Pitt is… If he sits on my lap, noth­ing’s go­ing to hap­pen!

–New York In­sti­tute of Tech­nol­o­gy

Over­heard by: Not Brad Pitt

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Blame Their Moth­ers

CC­NY stu­dent: I’ve al­ways thought he has psy­cho­log­i­cal prob­lems. (pause) Like, he’s one of those peo­ple that has to flip the light switch 17 times or the whole world dies.

–Hall­way, CC­NY

Over­heard by: la­dyliv­er

Suit on cell: She is try­ing to get a good ed­u­ca­tion so that she can pay for ther­a­py lat­er on.

–1250 Broad­way

Loud male cus­tomer count­ing out pack­ets of chew­ing to­bac­co: One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six! Ever since I quit my job at Sesame Street, I can’t seem to live my life. Ker­mit is my shrink, so of course I’m screwed…

–Smoke Shop, Park Slope

Over­heard by: Kiri

Dude hang­ing up his cell: Oh my god, I think all Jew­ish girls need ther­a­py.

–Good Stuff Din­er, 14th St

Over­heard by: Kosi

Suit on cell: Dude, I know, but like, you ei­ther get help, or you’re nor­mal. (pause) No, dude, pick one, get help or be nor­mal. Damn.

–Port Au­thor­i­ty

Over­heard by: Sarah

His­to­ry teacher to class: Does that make you un­com­fort­able? Be­cause I know I’m men­tal.

–Bronx High School of Sci­ence

Over­heard by: Lil­lian

Half-Cred­it for Orig­i­nal­i­ty

High school guy: Why they called us ‘nig­gers’? They wake up and say, ‘We call­in ’em ‘nig­gers’ from now on!’ or some­thing?
High school girl: No, id­iot, ’cause they got us from the Nig­ger Riv­er in Africa.

–CC­NY, 135th Con­vent Ave

Over­heard by: APR 04 Alum

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers– IQ: 180 So­cial Skills: ‑57

Pro­fes­sor: Why do peo­ple take drugs? Be­cause their lives suck. That’s right…all of you.

–Man­hat­tan Col­lege

Chem­istry pro­fes­sor, dis­cussing quan­tum physics: If you beat on some­thing hard enough, you can get it to do what you want!

–St. John’s Uni­ver­si­ty, New York City

Prop­er­ty pro­fes­sor, af­ter play­ing Bar­bra Streisand’s ver­sion of “Not While I’m Around”: Now, is that the same song as Steven Sond­heim’s ver­sion in Sweeney Todd?? (dream­i­ly) Well, when Bar­bra Streisand does a song…is it ever the same song?

–St. John’s Law School

Over­heard by: Cori

Pro­fes­sor: If Oba­ma wins the elec­tion, I’ll buy you all beer.

–The Coop­er Union

Pro­fes­sor: So the way Saint Au­gus­tine broke the Lord’s com­mand­ment not to steal (no­body in class is lis­ten­ing) Was all just his way of hon­or­ing the Lord’s law, by cre­at­ing his own. It’s sort of like when you have a child that’s not al­lowed to stay up past nine but he knows his par­ents can stay up as late as they want, so in an act of re­bel­lion he smears his shit all over the walls.


Pro­fes­sor: Now, for your pre­sen­ta­tions, there is a time lim­it. If you go over nine min­utes, I will cut you. (silent pause) …off.

–City Col­lege of New York

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Smell Like Vic­to­ry

One His­pan­ic la­dy to an­oth­er: How you gonna give a kid with stinky feet Botox?

–R Train

Over­heard by: Fer­na

Smelly gra­nola girl on cell: I dun­no, maybe Wilco is too big to have an open­ing act. The show was, like, two days ago. (stops, sniffs armpit and winces) Fuck, I need a se­ri­ous show­er. I haven’t been home since the show. Does­n’t that suck? When you for­get to clean up af­ter a few days? (laughs to her­self)

–Mc­Car­ren Park

Over­heard by: AleKatz

Woman on cell: It smells like col­lege!

–BrewFest, South Street Sea­port

Of­fice stu­dent: It lit­er­al­ly smells like my ass.

–CC­NY Com­put­er Lab

Girl: Nig­ga, you smell like the crack in my tit­ties.

–Q Train

Dude on cell: Man, she came six times last night. It was crazy! (pause) We were soak­ing wet, but I did­n’t mind. It was nice to see her en­joy­ing it. (pause) No, it did­n’t smell. It did­n’t smell like any­thing.

–Union Square

Over­heard by: who are these peo­ple?