Archive for the ‘Columbia University’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Up the Wa­zoo

Guy on cell: Wow! That’s a lot of cook­ies. If I had that many cook­ies, I’d put a cou­ple of them in my ass. (pause). It does­n’t mat­ter, I’ve got the space. I can’t eat that many cook­ies.

–23rd & Lex­ing­ton

Teen girl to teen boy: Un­less you want a 9 mil­lime­ter stuck up your ass­hole.

–Grand Cen­tral Ter­mi­nal

Girl on cell: Well, it’s still rec­tal.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: La­dle

20-some­thing girl to 20-some­thing guy, quite loud­ly: Yeah, but putting a met­al spike up his ass was­n’t ex­act­ly what I had in mind!

–28th St & 5th Ave

Over­heard by: Jar Aaron

20-some­thing woman: Ba­by, I think we’re go­ing to keep the Thanks­giv­ing din­ner out of my ass­hole.

–Herkimer St., Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: M. Fresh

We’re Sure There’s a “Brazil­ian Rain­for­est” Joke in Here Some­where

Stu­dent #1: She’s from the Do­mini­can Re­pub­lic, right?
Stu­dent #2: Um, yeah, I think so.
Stu­dent #1: Is she classy…?
Stu­dent #2: Eh, not re­al­ly, no. At the meet­ing the oth­er day, she was wear­ing a skirt. I could see her cooch.
Stu­dent #3: [Just join­ing the con­ver­sa­tion] What’s a cooch?
[Silence.]Student #1: Her vagi­na.
Stu­dent #2: Her for­est. Ex­cept it was bar­ren. There were no trees. Bar­ren.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Wednes­day Ac­ci­den­tal­ly Leaves a Sponge in the One-Lin­er

Woman: I told him I was­n’t op­posed to din­ner just be­cause he’s had a va­sec­to­my.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Meis­ter

Prep­py guy: They took car­ti­lage out of his ear and put it in my nose.

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: La­dle

UES woman: I’m go­ing to get my nails done, then get a colonoscopy in Queens.

–89th and Park

Over­heard by: AeC and jRw

Woman on phone: Well, of course I got it re­moved
*(pause)
Woman: It hurt like hell.

–El­e­va­tor in the Hud­son Ho­tel

Guy on phone, Nnoz done: Hts okay — it’s just rou­tine anal surgery!

–As­tor Place

Over­heard by: Tam

Amer­i­ca Runs on Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Thug: I love you be­cause when I’m with you I feel like I’m Barack Oba­ma and you’re Hillary Clin­ton.

–N Train

All-black-wear­ing chick with cig­a­rette: Do you ever find your­self think­ing re­al­ly con­ser­v­a­tive thoughts by ac­ci­dent?

–Out­side In­ter­na­tion­al Af­fairs Build­ing, Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Wild Dog Boy

Sub­way crazy: Rip Torn for pres­i­dent! Den­ny McLain for Sec­re­tary of State!

–Up­town 6 Train

Girl with ba­by in her arms: You know, he taped an Oba­ma poster on his door and I was like, “Oh no, you did­n’t put that up.” ’cause he don’t know noth­ing about pol­i­tics. Hell, he a felon…he can’t even vote.

–East Vil­lage Ur­ban Out­fit­ters

Five-year-old boy point­ing at a side­walk mur­al of Hillary and Oba­ma: Mom, look, Hillary! (long pause) And some guy.

–106th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Kip

Grumpy old man: Things have been go­ing down­hill since the Wil­son ad­min­is­tra­tion.

–70th & Colum­bus

Over­heard by: De­vot­ed Pup­py

We Ivy Lea­guers Can Af­ford to Kill Our­selves with Co­caine

Pro­fes­sor in stuffy room: Some­one open a win­dow.
Stu­dent: We’re on the fifth floor; they don’t open.
Pro­fes­sor: I don’t un­der­stand why they don’t un­lock them. No one is go­ing to kill them­selves. We’re not NYU.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Re­mem­ber elim­i­DATE Fond­ly

Man on cell: Yeah man, she is so not any­one that I would be will­ing to in­vest years in… I mean I don’t want to have to spend my time ac­tu­al­ly work­ing on it. I fig­ured, hell, I kind of want to wake up next to some­one a cou­ple of days a week, so I might as well hang on through the sum­mer. No, she has no idea…

–Colum­bus & 62nd St

Grad stu­dent: They have this sym­bi­ot­ic re­la­tion­ship in which he does all the eat­ing and she does all the drink­ing.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Woman to her­self: God, I asked you for a good man; not a fuck­ing joke!

–Spring & Hud­son

Over­heard by: Os­car Gam­ble

Fire­fight­er to oth­ers: It’s not that I have any­thing against com­mit­ment; I just like di­ver­si­ty.

–125th St Fair­way

Over­heard by: Just Shop­pint

Man in shorts to an­oth­er: I would­n’t date a girl with dou­ble vi­sion, pe­ri­od.

–Williams­burg

Over­heard by: Dr No-Eyes

Busi­ness­woman to hobo: If you get back in the dat­ing scene, I’ll kill you.

–Hous­ton & Lafayette

Over­heard by: Home­less guy must be hung

But I Did­n’t Even Get to De­scribe the Size and Tex­ture

Col­lege guy #1: I’ve been work­ing hard to lose weight this year.
Col­lege guy #2: I can cer­tain­ly see the change in your face.
Col­lege guy #1: Yeah, I’ve been crap­ping a lot late­ly.
(col­lege guy #2 is silent)
Col­lege guy #1: I mean I’ve been dump­ing a whole lot.
Col­lege guy #2: Okay, that’s enough.

–Gym, Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

I Did­n’t Know I Was Wednes­day One-Linered

Smok­ing man to an­oth­er: I’ve heard be­ing preg­nant is re­al­ly bad for your health.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: CS

Large black woman: An’ I been tellin’ him I got all these ideas for t‑shirts… Like one for a preg­nant la­dy that says “Con­grat­u­la­tions, you’re not the dad­dy!”

–BX12 Bus

Over­heard by: shayshay

NYU boy on cell: Wait, you’re preg­nant? You’re preg­nant!? I thought you were just fat. (pause) But he said he did­n’t come in you, just on your face.

–Union Square

Woman to date: Let’s go get preg­nant!

–San­tos Par­ty House, Lafayette St

Over­heard by: al­isa

Hey, Wednes­day, Your One-Lin­er Is Show­ing!

Mid­dle-aged woman, an­gri­ly on cell: You tell him to go out­side right now, and take his clothes off!

–32nd St & Park Ave

Over­heard by: djlori

Girl to friend: All of a sud­den there’s a naked man! Like, this does­n’t trans­late well vi­su­al­ly.

–Up­town 1 Train

Suit on cell: How about I send you two naked kids to have a good time? Fair enough?

–60th St & Colum­bus Ave

Over­heard by: Stacey V

Girl on phone: Top­less an­ar­chy is still an­ar­chy, man.

–5 Train

Short dude to friend: I woke up naked and wrapped in cellophane–again!

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty