Archive for the ‘Comebacks’ Category

The Film­ing of Back to School II

Ed­die Iz­zard: We’ve ex­plored space, but we haven’t drilled down. You all re­mem­ber Jour­ney to the Cen­ter of the Earth. Why don’t we just drill down to the cen­ter and see the…what’s it called?
Guy: Mag­ma.
Ed­die Iz­zard: Yeah, we’ll get a heat re­sis­tant cam­era and we’ll see the mag­ma. And they’ll make a doc­u­men­tary–
Guy: It would­n’t work.
Ed­die Iz­zard: Eh?
Guy: The den­si­ty would be too in­tense.
Ed­die Iz­zard: No, we would take the rocks out be­hind us–
Guy: No, the air would be too dense. As you ap­proach the cen­ter of
the earth, the den­si­ty of the air in­creas­es.
Ed­die Iz­zard: But what if you took the rocks out?
Guy: No, the air would still be too dense.
Ed­die Iz­zard: Oh, well I guess you would know bet­ter than I. You must be some sort of sci­en­tist?
Guy: Ac­tu­al­ly, I’m an actor…but I took sci­ence class.

–The Vil­lage The­atre, Bleeck­er Street

The Lit­tle Wednes­day One-Lin­er That Could

Cheer­ful fe­male con­duc­tor: This is the ex­press train. That means it’s not not not not not not not the lo­cal train. Don’t screw up.

–Metro-North Rail

Over­heard by: Lynne

Con­duc­tor: Be­hold! This is Wood­side! Change here for the for­mer Shea Sta­di­um, now Mets-Wil­lets point. Have a great time!

–LIRR

Con­duc­tor: Af­ter Syos­set, the next stop will be ex­press, di­rect­ly to Hunters Point Av­enue. Do not pass go, do not col­lect 200 dol­lars.

–LIRR

Over­heard by: morn­ing­com­mute

Con­duc­tor: There is an up­town ex­press train across the tracks. When the doors open, get off if you want to get off. Don’t just stand there look­ing at it.

–Up­town 6 Train

Over­heard by: Julie

Con­duc­tor, as doors open for pas­sen­gers: Ladies and gen­tle­men, we know you’ve been wait­ing a long time for a train… (doors close abrupt­ly) Wait for an­oth­er.

–Q Train

How Vanil­la Ice Cream Be­comes a Choco­late Milk­shake

Man: This is no good. It’s sour. I want one that’s fresh.
Em­ploy­ee: I put ice cream and milk.
Man: I don’t care what you put in it. Maybe it’s the milk, maybe it’s the ice cream. You taste it, or bring out a man­ag­er to taste it, ei­ther way I want one that’s fresh.
Em­ploy­ee: You come to­mor­row. Speak with man­ag­er. Change with him.
Man: So what am I sup­posed to do? Stick this in my ass un­til to­mor­row?

–Baskin-Rob­bins, Ben­son­hurst

Over­heard by: Jenn Mi­laz­zo