Neighbor #1: So your baby is finally here!
Neighbor #2: Yeah, she was born on Tuesday. 8 lbs, 20 inches…
Crazy guy walking by: Well, I'm 25 inches.
–Garment District
Archive for the ‘Compare/Contrast’ Category
…But We Were Told There'd Be No Math in This Class
Professor: Wisdom goes: if you are looking to get married, and you can either choose a nine who is broke or a seven with a lot of money, you choose the…?
Students, without missing a beat: Seven!
–Hunter College
No-Legged Hobos: “We Feel Sorry for Staten Islanders”
Girl #1: No one likes him… I feel bad for him.
Girl #2: I feel bad for the homeless people in the city who have no legs.
–Staten Island Mall
Or She’s Participating in Some Sort Of Emotional Scavenger Hunt
Middle-aged girl #1: Yes, she was sincerely apologetic for the things that she’d done, and she really took responsibility for them.
Middle-aged girl #2: She must have a new therapist.
(both nod sagely)
–1 Train
Overheard by: Suze V
It Doesn't Count As “Sex” Til I Get My Period
12-year old girl: Just because we watch porn together doesn't mean we have sex together.
12-year old boy: Stop lying, you whore.
–Mulberry & Canal
Overheard by: Tara G
How Many Weight Watchers Points Are in a Wednesday One-Liner?
Young man: You're fat because you need to release. Look at me, that's why I'm slim and sexy. I beat off every day.
–Prospect Heights, Brooklyn
Salesgirl to salesgirl friend: I wanna thank you for taking the time to repeatedly hit me in my arm fat and make it jiggle.
–Henri Bendel
Overheard by: Stephan Dion
Professor to class of girls: You guys are all thin (looks around classroom and notices there are some fat girls) …mostly.
–Fashion Institute of Technology
Suit to another: All I'm trying to say is, she's not tall enough for her weight.
–Uptown 6 Train
Overheard by: ednapontellier
Black girl: Fat people can do splits because they have no bones.
–Pizza Place, St. Mark's Place
Five-year-old to very overweight man while waiting for Thanksgiving Day parade: Are you one of the balloons?
–Broadway & 50th St
Overheard by: Peter
The Ugly Business of Wednesday One-Liners
Agitated papi: I love him like a brother, but he a fuckin’ inconsiderate, ungrateful, selfish bastard! And he got a ugly baby!
–14th & University
Overheard by: Manhattman
Young Kid: New York is ugly!
–JFK
Overheard by: Latoya Siratana
Wise teen girl: That’s not giving up on him. That’s letting him fuck uglier girls.
–Brooklyn Bridge
Overheard by: walking the bridge
Giggling little girl in stroller: I’m ugly! I’m ugly! I’m ugly! I’m ugly! I’m ugly…!
–Downtown R train
Older woman to complete stranger: You should really stop eating that crap because it’s going to make you uglier than you already are!
–Fairway, W 73rd St
Overheard by: just trying to buy my groceries…
B&T guy: As I was saying, just ’cause you’re ugly, don’t mean you’re smart.
–Lower East Side
Not Wishing to Offend the Bride’s Parents
Woman from #1 couple: Well after the wedding, they had an orgy. We were invited but chose not to attend.
Man from #2 couple: Well, had we been invited, we absolutely would have attended.
–2 Train
Wednesday One-Liners, the People's Chariot
Ghetto fab bus driver : Hello and good morning. Welcome to the Bolt Bus, my name is Jacques and I'm going to be your operator today. We do appreciate your business. Well, I appreciate your business. For my nails. Getting my hair done. Yeah.
–BoltBus
Overheard by: Julie and Mark The Snob
Bus driver (as bus leaves Lexington stop): The stop after this stop will be the next stop.
(as bus turns into Central Park) Ladies and gentlemen, the next stop will be Central Park West. Please have your passports ready.
–Crosstown Bus
Bus driver over intercom (as bus passes Unisphere): Oh, everyone's from New York? Then y'all already know this spot! I can't tell you nothing! Bye.
–Shuttle Bus, Flushing Meadows Park
Conductor: Good morning! This is the bus dispatcher. It's a sunny 78 degrees on a beautiful Wednesday! I'm happy to report the bus lanes inbound to New York are slicing through traffic like a hot knife through butter! Enjoy your day, control center, out.
–NJ Transit Bus
Overheard by: Jerzey…CloseEnough
Conductor: Alright folks, remember to keep cool today and drink plenty of water. I recommend ya'll eat some Honey Nut Cheerios. Honey Nut Cheerios will make ya'll nicer to each other. Stay away from that bacon and eggs. Too hot. Yes, Honey Nut Cheerios. Have a nice day.
–B61 Bus
Overheard by: should have eaten breakfast
It Has Also Stopped Taunting Me
Mother: How’s your pizza?
Little boy: Okay. It tasted better when I was high.
–Giorgio’s Pizza
Overheard by: ramona