Archive for the ‘Compare/Contrast’ Category

All Wednesday One-Liners Over Six Ounces Will Be Confiscated

[Plane lands, bounces 20 feet into the air, finally slams back to earth, knocking all the oxygen masks out.]Flight Attendant: Thank you for choosing American Airlines, ladies and gentlemen, obviously we have have landed…

–LaGuardia Airport

Overheard by: M. Smith/Terrified Passenger

Flight Attendant: Chicken or beef? Chicken or beef? … Don’t think about it too long honey, they taste like cardboard.

–United Flight

Flight Attendant: We have two lavatories in the back of the plane and one in the front. Please use them.

–LaGuardia Airport

Pilot: Remember, there are 50 ways to leave your lover, but only 8 ways out of this aircraft.

–JFK Runway

Overheard by: cms

Pilot, after an unusually smooth landing: God damn, that landin’ was butta!

–Jet Blue JFK

Wednesday One-Liners Regret Listening to Their Biological Clocks

Mother to screaming toddler: Stop it. This is not your day. This is my day. Don’t ruin it.

–Gourmet Garage

Southern woman to son: The WWE pose, just like we practiced in the backyard now.

–NBC Studios

Overheard by: Tracy

Mother yelling at three little well-dressed girls: Do not open that bottle of glitter! Do not! If you know glitter… (holding her arms out making a rainbow sort of gesture) Shit flies!

–Central Park

Overheard by: chellie

Very young mother to four-year-old son: Stop that! If you don’t start behavin’ I’m gonna send you in for the new model!

–R Train

Overheard by: Kait

Ghetto mom to young son running his hand along outside window while walking: Don’t do that! You gonna get germs! Yo’ hand gonna fall off!

–45th b/w 3rd & Lexington

Overheard by: Lili Von Shtupp

Very serious mother: Well, Megatron could beat Optimus because he’s stronger. But Optimus is smarter, so he can outsmart Megatron.

–East Village

Mom holding little boy’s hand: Forget everything you’ve seen today.

–Mermaid Parade, Coney Island Boardwalk

Overheard by: Not forgetting ANYTHING we saw today

Wednesday One-Liners Melt in Your Mouth

Young woman to another: I’ve done some soul searching. I’m now willing to believe it’s not butter.

–Park Ave & E. 79th

Overheard by: andy

Annoying lady to worker who apparently mishandled her food: Apologize to the sandwich!

–Subway, Brighton Beach

Overheard by: Robert

Chick on cell: I try to eat as many acidic things as possible since I have a very creamy nature.

–35th & 7th

Girl on cell: Girrrrllll…he was meltin’ me like butter last night.

–Bedford Ave & N 5th

Overheard by: Marleni

College guy: All molds are not created equal! Think about yogurt, man, it’s all frickin mold!

–Columbia College Walk

Would-be CIA student on cell: Yeah, so I think my interview at the CIA went well. I think I’ll really like it there. (notices people around him) …the Culinary institute of America! (everyone smiles)

–80th & Broadway

Overheard by: Roth Hall

Is It Even Legal to Turn Down Catherine Zeta Jones?

Large, out-of-breath woman climbing stairs #1: (gasp) All I know is (gasp) that I would fuck the shit out of her.
Large, out-of-breath woman climbing stairs #2: (silence)
Large, out-of-breath woman climbing stairs #1: Are you honestly saying (gasp) you wouldn’t fuck the shit out of her?
Large, out-of-breath woman climbing stairs #2: If she was a man…
Large, out-of-breath woman climbing stairs #1: Fuck that shit! (gasp) I’m not hearing that.

–Subway Stop, 168th & Broadway

Overheard by: I Would 2

I’m More of a Fourth-Date Girl

Teen girl: It’s just… Even though he was fat, I liked him because of his personality. But once I actually saw his penis, or more like lack of a penis, that was just the last straw. I mean, you can be kinda fat with an awesome personality, but you’ve gotta have a good-sized dick, y’know?
Friend: Wait, you didn’t know he had a small dick until last week?!

–56th & 3rd

Overheard by: samantha

Would It Be Feasible for Me to Throw Myself in Front Of My Own Train?

Conductor: This is a Manhattan-bound number three train; next stop is Sutter avenue-Rutland road; stand clear of the closing doors please.
[Doors close and open again.]Conductor: Please do not block the doors, stand clear, please.
[Doors close and open again.]Conductor: Do not block the doors. Stand clear, please.
[Doors close and open again.]Conductor: For the last motherfucking time, do not block the fucking doors! I know you ghetto-ass niggas don’t care about school, but some people want to get the fuck to work! Stand clear!
[Doors close and open again.]Conductor: I can’t fucking take this shit.

–3 Train

Overheard by: Morel Farember

Now You Have to Schlep Out to Queens for That Sort of Entertainment

Chick: So what are the most dangerous places in New York these days?
Dude #1: I don’t know. Hell’s Kitchen used to be the worst.
Dude #2: What about Harlem?
Dude #1: I guess Harlem’s still bad, but it’s not like it used to be where everybody would be waiting around to stab lost white people.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Alex Remnick