Archive for the ‘Condoms’ Category

He’ll Be The “Pro-Life” of the Par­ty!

Con­cerned male friend: Well, aren’t you afraid of get­tin’ like, an STD or some­thing? Don’t you use con­doms?
Con­fused teen girl: Well, we did the first few times, but then we did­n’t. I mean, he’s been com­ing in­side me for like a year now and noth­in’ ever hap­pened. (points to bel­ly, im­ply­ing she’s preg­nant)
Con­cerned male friend: And how old is he again? How old are you?
Con­fused teen girl: He’s 18. I’m 16–almost 17.
Con­cerned male friend: Damn, I don’t know. This is fucked up. What you gonna do when you wan­na go out? Like with your friends and shit.
Con­fused teen girl: I’ll take my ba­by with me!

–E Train

Head­line by: Er­i­ca Neu­mann

Run­ners-Up:
· “$5 Says You Guys Don’t Get a Sin­gle Non-Palin Head­line on This One” — two­fer­rets
· “Ju No What I’m Talk­ing About?” — Bar­ry P.
· “My Breast-milk Is Gonna Be, Like, Fifty Per­cent Jägermeister…” — Who Does­n’t Love A Drunk­en In­fant?
· “That Thing Is Gonna Need One Hell Of a Fake I.D.” — MJP
· “There’s a Bris­tol Palin Joke Here Some­where…” — S‑Train
· “You Know, Like One Of Those El­mo Back­packs?” — All by my­self.

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

She’s the Cob, and They’re the Corn­hold­ers

Girl: There’s a Du­ane Reade.
Guy #1: What do we need a Du­ane Reade for?
Girl: If we’re gonna do this, you guys both have to be wear­ing con­doms.

–84th & Broad­way

Suit #1: But what hap­pens if our cocks ac­ci­den­tal­ly touch?
Suit #2: Well…we’re both adults, we’ll just have to deal with it.

–52nd & Lex­ing­ton

No­body Puts Wednes­day One-Lin­er in the Cor­ner!

Blonde white girl to an­oth­er: And I was all like, “I’m not throw­ing the ba­by over the fence!”

–Spring St

Over­heard by: Maria Em­ma

Girl to moth­er: Oh, look at dad­dy with the ba­by in one hand and the bot­tle of bour­bon in the oth­er. And in the morn­ing, too!

–Williams­burg

Con­dom ven­dor: Oba­ma and Mc­Cain elec­tion spe­cial con­doms! 3 for $10 and 1 for $5, all cheap­er than a ba­by!

–Times Square

Over­heard by: Aalok

Mom with stroller to friend: She’s in­ca­pac­i­tat­ed al­ready, so she might as well have his ba­by.

–6th Ave & 4th St

I Like It Bet­ter When They Talk About Star­bucks

Guy on cell: OK, well, be safe. If you get raped make sure he wears a con­dom.

–Williams­burg

Over­heard by: Daniel

Girl: Don’t let me talk to boys af­ter I take blue pills.

–31st & 2nd

Girl #1: Some­times he like to rape my ass.
Girl #2: Ew! Hee hee.

–out­side The Brook­lyn Mu­se­um

Over­heard by: Josh Neufeld

Girl #1: Well, she was raped.
Girl #2: I was­n’t re­al­ly raped.

–Ver­ti­go, 26th & 3rd

Yup­pie chick #1: Sweet­ie, you’re go­ing to get raped dressed like that.
Yup­pie chick #2: No. I have an um­brel­la.

–De­lancey & Allen

Over­heard by: Mitchell Linet­ti

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Fail the Pu­ri­ty Test

Girl: I’m done with three­somes. Some­one al­ways gets hurt. It’s four-gies on­ly from now on.

–Du­ane Reade, 32nd & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Jaina Wald

Man on cell: You got the what? The what? So you got the queen-sized bed!! You whore! You whore!

–Wall & Wa­ter

Over­heard by: Aubrie

Man: Hey, any­one want to go to an or­gy?

–Cen­tral Park

Loud teen boy: Dad, do we need con­doms?

–Phar­ma­cy, 82nd & Colum­bus

Girl on cell: Well it’s not even like any­one there had any re­al porn back­ground!

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Na­tal­ie

Guy on stoop: Dude! I did not give that girl VD.

–22nd & Broad­way

Loud fe­male suit: Well, at least he was­n’t sleep­ing with an in­tern!

–45th & Lex

Prep­py girl on cell: Hey, girly, I got my­self two tick­ets for us to go to the Do­mini­can Re­pub­lic for next week, and you know what that means: 7 days of Do­mini­can cock. Yum!

–34th St

Over­heard by: naid­aba­by

Mag­num Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Dude: This sounds weird, but I’ve got enough con­doms to fill up a piña­ta.

–Bike shop

Over­heard by: Ken

Chick on cell: She had a con­dom stuck in her for four days!

–92nd & Colum­bus

Over­heard by: Erin

20-ish male: Okay, who put a con­dom in my iced lat­te?

–Ozzie’s Cof­fee House, Park Slope

Old guy on cell: No, hon­ey, it’s un­san­i­tary to buy con­doms on eBay.

–34th & 7th

Over­heard by: Sam

Fat la­dy tourist to friend: Hey, I should’ve brang those con­doms with us to get rid of them.

–4 train

How to Tell If Your Den­tist’s a Vir­gin

Den­tist: You don’t have any al­ler­gies, do you?
Pa­tient: Peni­cillin.
Den­tist: But no la­tex al­ler­gies or any­thing like that?
Pa­tient: No! Oh my God, no! Wow. That would be to­tal­ly hor­ri­ble and de­press­ing.
Den­tist: Why, are you a med stu­dent or some­thing?
Pa­tient: …No.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty Den­tal Prac­tice, Am­s­ter­dam Ave