Archive for the ‘Condoms’ Category

She’s the Cob, and They’re the Cornholders

Girl: There’s a Duane Reade.
Guy #1: What do we need a Duane Reade for?
Girl: If we’re gonna do this, you guys both have to be wearing condoms.

–84th & Broadway

Suit #1: But what happens if our cocks accidentally touch?
Suit #2: Well…we’re both adults, we’ll just have to deal with it. 

–52nd & Lexington

Use a Wednesday, So You Don’t Get One-Linered Up

Man helping woman carry stroller down stairs: If you had taken the bloody pill when you said you were taking it, we wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place.

–Broadway-Lafayette B/D/F/V Station

Overheard by: Jon A.

Man walking with girlfriend, loudly: Wait, did you bring your diaphragm?

–Times Square

Loud woman on cell: How many times do you have to have sex, and have a baby, before you realize: “If I have sex without a condom I will get someone pregnant.”? Seriously!

–Broadway & 103rd St

Overheard by: Amy

Guy on phone: I always tell people that sex with you with a condom is better than sex with other girls without a condom.

–Outside Trader Joe’s, 14th St

Zoo guide: This zoo likes to be careful with breeding animals by taking into account genes and the like. But then again, Zippy – the baby snow monkey – came along. So be careful with your birth control.

–Central Park Zoo, by the Snow Monkeys

Girl to another: I just don’t see why we can’t make our own condoms.

–14th St & 4th Ave

Going to the STD Clinic (A NYC Short Story)

Indian chick: So I was watching VH1 and it was a show about child stars. You know, Drew Barrymore, Jodie Foster–
Asian chick: What? Jodie Foster was a child star?
Indian chick: Yeah. She was a child prostitute at like, 13, and they made a movie about it and everything.

Indian chick: Lookit that chart. They’re ranking condoms, see? Trojan Magnum, then Regular Trojans, then Trojan Ultra Sheer, then Durex Regular, then Lifestyles, and then Lifestyle Ultra-Sensitive, see?
Asian chick: Mmm. Trojan Ultra Sheers, yeah.
Indian chick: But Durex has at least one more that should go in there! Durex has a Magnum too and it’s really good.
Asian chick: So yeah, what’s their deal?
Indian chick: Like, it’ all about how well they endure. Not how much pleasure they give. Fucking government chart. 

Indian chick: Anyway. I’m definitely thinkin’ about havin’ my kids in a foreign country. Like, dual citizenship. Just take a semester off, fly to Britain for a month, and voila.
Asian chick: That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard. What for?
Indian chick: They just come out cooler, that’s all. 

–Chelsea Health Center, 9th Avenue

Overheard by: capn midnite

He’ll Be The “Pro-Life” of the Party!

Concerned male friend: Well, aren’t you afraid of gettin’ like, an STD or something? Don’t you use condoms?
Confused teen girl: Well, we did the first few times, but then we didn’t. I mean, he’s been coming inside me for like a year now and nothin’ ever happened. (points to belly, implying she’s pregnant)
Concerned male friend: And how old is he again? How old are you?
Confused teen girl: He’s 18. I’m 16 – almost 17.
Concerned male friend: Damn, I don’t know. This is fucked up. What you gonna do when you wanna go out? Like with your friends and shit.
Confused teen girl: I’ll take my baby with me!

–E Train

Headline by: Erica Neumann

Runners-Up:
· “$5 Says You Guys Don’t Get a Single Non-Palin Headline on This One” — twoferrets
· “Ju No What I’m Talking About?” — Barry P.
· “My Breast-milk Is Gonna Be, Like, Fifty Percent Jägermeister…” — Who Doesn’t Love A Drunken Infant?
· “That Thing Is Gonna Need One Hell Of a Fake I.D.” — MJP
· “There’s a Bristol Palin Joke Here Somewhere…” — S‑Train
· “You Know, Like One Of Those Elmo Backpacks?” — All by myself.

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Nobody Puts Wednesday One-Liner in the Corner!

Blonde white girl to another: And I was all like, “I’m not throwing the baby over the fence!”

–Spring St

Overheard by: Maria Emma

Girl to mother: Oh, look at daddy with the baby in one hand and the bottle of bourbon in the other. And in the morning, too!

–Williamsburg

Condom vendor: Obama and McCain election special condoms! 3 for $10 and 1 for $5, all cheaper than a baby!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Aalok

Mom with stroller to friend: She’s incapacitated already, so she might as well have his baby.

–6th Ave & 4th St