Archive for the ‘Conductors’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Get Rail­road­ed

Con­duc­tor: Check around, make sure you have all of your be­long­ings. If you have small chil­dren, make sure you hold on­to them. (in haunt­ing tone) Would­n’t want to see them disappear…into the gap.

–Metro-North Line

Over­heard by: Jess

Train con­duc­tor on PA: The last car is the qui­et car. No cell phones or loud con­ver­sa­tions please. If you need to have a con­ver­sa­tion, please do so silent­ly.

–Penn Sta­tion

Con­duc­tress, in mo­not­o­ne: The next stop on this train will be Grand Street, the last stop in the borough…in the borough.…in the bor­ough of Man­hat­tan.

–D Train

Over­heard by: Jon A.

Con­duc­tor on PA: The next stop will be 51st Street. All of you lookin’ for the lo­cal train on the oth­er plat­form: hey yo! We over here!

–14th Street Sta­tion

MTA con­duc­tor: Ladies and gen­tle­men, this train will be out of com­mis­sion, uh…right now. Get out!

–MetroNorth Train

Over­heard by: Kellin

Train con­duc­tor: Ladies and gen­tle­man, brace for im­pact. (pause) Nah…just kid­ding, I could nev­er pull that shit off. Y’all lucky we un­der­ground! Have a safe day.

–A Train

The Lit­tle Wednes­day One-Lin­er That Could

Cheer­ful fe­male con­duc­tor: This is the ex­press train. That means it’s not not not not not not not the lo­cal train. Don’t screw up.

–Metro-North Rail

Over­heard by: Lynne

Con­duc­tor: Be­hold! This is Wood­side! Change here for the for­mer Shea Sta­di­um, now Mets-Wil­lets point. Have a great time!

–LIRR

Con­duc­tor: Af­ter Syos­set, the next stop will be ex­press, di­rect­ly to Hunters Point Av­enue. Do not pass go, do not col­lect 200 dol­lars.

–LIRR

Over­heard by: morn­ing­com­mute

Con­duc­tor: There is an up­town ex­press train across the tracks. When the doors open, get off if you want to get off. Don’t just stand there look­ing at it.

–Up­town 6 Train

Over­heard by: Julie

Con­duc­tor, as doors open for pas­sen­gers: Ladies and gen­tle­men, we know you’ve been wait­ing a long time for a train… (doors close abrupt­ly) Wait for an­oth­er.

–Q Train

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Burp the Worm

Teen girl: If you want to lose weight, watch a lot of porn. I’m se­ri­ous, if you watch porn, you won’t have to eat for hours. Oh, and mas­tur­bat­ing burns a lot of calo­ries, too.

–Brook­lyn

Very up­set drunk hobo, af­ter con­duc­tor an­nounces last stop: Your kickin’ all these peo­ple out to wait for the next train, just so you can jerk off?

–Bowl­ing Green Sta­tion

Street dancer: Every­one on earth was born as a re­sult of an or­gasm. Every­one mas­tur­bates. And if they say they don’t, they’re ly­ing. Even the Pope mas­tur­bates!

–Union Square

Irish dude, throw­ing tea to the ground: It’s not right, man! Ass­hole mas­tur­bat­ed in my tea!

–Out­side Star­bucks

Teen thug: I wan­na plea­sure my­self while writ­ing an es­say, what’s the prob­lem with that?

–Q Train

Over­heard by: Robert G.

Test­ing, Wednes­day One, Two, Three-Lin­ers

Prin­ci­pal, over PA sys­tem: At­ten­tion: We are test­ing out the PA sys­tem. If you don’t hear this, please call the of­fice.

–Pub­lic School

An­nounc­er on 6 train (which was be­ing held at the sta­tion): At­ten­tion ladies and gen­tle­men. (pause) Does this thing even work?

–Up­town 6 Train

Over­heard by: Your Mom

Cop, over mega­phone from pa­trol car: At­ten­tion peo­ple in the park, we think you are all drunk. Whether legal­ly or il­le­gal­ly, please, va­cate the area. (a few min­utes lat­er, af­ter dri­ving around the foun­tain) Peo­ple in the foun­tain, don’t think we can’t see you…don’t use stargaz­ing as your ex­cuse be­cause there’s too much light pol­lu­tion!

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Over­heard by: In the foun­tain

Con­duc­tor over PA: At­ten­tion pas­sen­gers. Acts of pugilism are not al­lowed on this train.
(two min­utes lat­er) At­ten­tion pas­sen­gers. This is just a re­minder that acts of for­ni­ca­tion or fel­la­tio are not al­lowed on this train.

–Post Mid­night Drunk Train, LIRR

Over­heard by: Rob T Fire­fly

Ner­vous voice on build­ing PA sys­tem: Can I have your at­ten­tion, please? Can I have your at­ten­tion, please? Please dis­re­gard this mes­sage.

–Third Ave & b/w 50th & 51st

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Run This City

Con­duc­tor: At­ten­tion! You’ve board­ed the ghet­to ex­press. Next stop, Deep Ghet­to. If you’re try­ing to go to any of the Ghet­to Light ar­eas, please trans­fer at this stop for the Ghet­to Lo­cal. Thank you!

–5 train, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Sil­vy

Con­duc­tor: This is Fifth Av­enue. Trans­fer here for… Aw, hell, there ain’t no trans­fer here. Get in the damn train.

–E train from JFK, around 5th Ave

Over­heard by: ntr­prnr

Con­duc­tor: Okay every­one, we’re go­ing to evac­u­ate the train now. Just stay calm. This is­n’t the Ti­tan­ic. I re­peat, this is not the Ti­tan­ic.

–Acela, to NYC

Over­heard by: The Ti­tan­ic was on-time

Con­duc­tor: Board the train so the doors can close. [Girls slow­ly shuf­fle around doors.] You must phys­i­cal­ly board the train to ride. The plat­form does not move.

–LIRR

Over­heard by: NC­trans­plant­Girl

Con­duc­tor, very po­lite­ly: Ladies and gen­tle­men, please stand clear of the clos­ing doors so this train can leave the sta­tion. Thank you. [Lat­er, not as po­lite­ly] Sir, maybe the fact that you have to hold on to the out­side of the car to stay in­side is a sign that you should wait for the next train!

–Crowd­ed Bronx-bound 6 train

Over­heard by: Chris

Con­duc­tor: Ladies and gen­tle­men, I don’t re­al­ly care if we pull up to the sta­tion and your car door does­n’t open. If you don’t lis­ten, I don’t re­al­ly care. Not my prob­lem any­more, folks! I said it once and I ain’t say­ing it again!

–LIRR, Ja­maica sta­tion

Over­heard by: com­muter

Con­duc­tor: Y’all, these suck­ahs gon’ be on this train for hours!

–1 train

Life Is Like a Box of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers…

Man on cell: What did I do to you? I bought you a house and you don’t even wan­na live in it!

–F Train

Over­heard by: LC

Con­duc­tor, over in­ter­com: Ladies and gen­tle­men, this train is over­booked. That’s just the way things are. Life is un­fair.

–Am­trak Train, Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: La­dle

Suit: There was a time in my life when I would have nev­er tired of hear­ing the word “vagi­na”. That time has passed.

–Stat­en Is­land Supreme Court

Con­duc­tor: Watch your step as you ex­it the train, and if you’re late, just re­mem­ber that life is a lot like be­ing on this train: we may not be there yet, but we’re get­ting there.

–2 Train

Over­heard by: can this con­duc­tor dri­ve my train every day please?

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are One of the Prop­er­ties of a Met­al

Con­duc­tor: While you are wait­ing for trains, please do not sit on the edge of the plat­form. Not on­ly could you loose your legs, but you could de­lay your fel­low pas­sen­gers.

–Long Beach-bound LIRR

Over­heard by: Matt P.

Con­duc­tor: The next stop is North White Plains, and every­one needs to get off there be­cause the train will be abort­ed to the train yard. Yes, the train yard… And you don’t want to be at the train yard. It is a dark and lone­ly place…

–Metro-North

Con­duc­tor: This is the Six lo­cal train. Next stop is 42nd, Grand Cen­tral. And re­mem­ber, folks, if you’re hav­ing a bad day, don’t try to have a good one. That’s just im­pos­si­ble. Next stop, 42nd.

–6 train

Over­heard by: freck­les

Con­duc­tor: Once again, ladies and gen­tle­men, to­day is Ju­ly 31st. No­vem­ber month­ly tick­ets are no longer valid on this train.

–LIRR

Over­heard by: Does that mean I can use my De­cem­ber tick­et?

Con­duc­tor: This is the voice of your con­duc­tor. Re­mem­ber, on­ly I can move the train. [Paus­es while train be­gins mov­ing, then] See? Just like that.

–A train

Over­heard by: McF.

Con­duc­tor: I wish you would stop stick­ing your head out through the doors. If you want to be the con­duc­tor, take the test. Then you can stick your head out all you damn well please.

–7 train, Queens­boro Plaza

Over­heard by: Pro­cras­tY­Nate

Con­duc­tor: This is the Q lo­cal. An ex­press train is right across the plat­form. [Doors close] Wave good­bye!

–Q train

Over­heard by: Zvi