Archive for the ‘Cops’ Category

His­to­ry Is an Un­bro­ken Chain of Irony

Ger­man tourist #1: We went to the Jew­ish Her­itage Mu­se­um yes­ter­day and the se­cu­ri­ty was crazy! The met­al de­tec­tor re­act­ed to the but­ton of my jeans, they did­n’t let me car­ry my bag, and I had to hand in my jack­et as well. They did­n’t even do that when we toured the UN build­ing!
Ger­man tourist #2: Maybe you were just racial­ly pro­filed.

–Stat­en Is­land Fer­ry

Wednes­days Are Pro­found­ly One-Linered

Yan­kees fan to Mets friends: When we go to the Yan­kees sta­di­um I’ll be like a re­tard at a Chuck E. Cheese.

–Shea Sta­di­um

Over­heard by: Da­nial

Po­lice of­fi­cer in van, on loud­speak­er: Move to the right! (peo­ple in cars ig­nore the or­der) Re­tards! You heard me! Move to the right!

–27th St & 10th Ave

Crazy guy, rant­i­ng: You can’t have sex with peo­ple who aren’t re­tard­ed be­cause they charge too damn much!

–V Train

Over­heard by: Ryan P.

Guy to girl: I nev­er said that I was­n’t re­tard­ed. Tech­ni­cal­ly, I’m not a hyp­ocrite.

–L Train

Over­heard by: Ju­lia

Heav­i­ly made-up girl: Do you think re­tard­ed peo­ple are, like, con­cep­tu­al­ly aware that they’re re­tard­ed?

–6 Train

Over­heard by: You tell me

Girl: The idea of a re­tard­ed Jack Rus­sell Ter­ri­er is com­plete­ly for­eign to me, be­cause as I re­call, Wish­bone was ex­cep­tion­al­ly well-read.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

What’s the World Com­ing to When You Can’t Even Bride a Cop for a Celebri­ty’s Ad­dress?

20-some­thing dude: I don’t get why a tourist would spend their whole day try­ing to spot an ac­tor.
Friend: Yeah.
20-some­thing dude: I guess I could see my­self go­ing to some re­al hot ac­tress­es’ usu­al spots.
Man: You mean like stalk­ing?
20-some­thing dude: Hah! This guy knows what I’m talk­ing about.
Man: I’m a cop.
20-some­thing dude: Oh. So you ac­tu­al­ly know what I’m talk­ing about. Don’t wor­ry, of­fi­cer, I on­ly in­tend on stalk­ing Na­tal­ie Port­man.
Cop: You wan­na go for a ride?
20-some­thing dude: Like around in your car?
Cop: To the sta­tion.
20-some­thing dude: I’ll shut up.
Cop: That­ta boy.

–Brook­lyn Heights

Over­heard by: In­D­Can­d­Miss­ing­BK

Be a Good Sport, Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Con­duc­tor, on loud­speak­er: Please note, you heard it here first: I’m watch­ing the Su­per Bowl on­ly for the com­mer­cials. The Gi­ants are go­ing to be so far ahead of… the oth­er team… it’ll be a bor­ing game. We gonna whoop them by at least 15, 20 points. But the com­mer­cials are go­ing to be great!

–A train

Over­heard by: love this con­duc­tor!

Blind hobo to no one: You know why black bas­ket­ball play­ers are bet­ter than white ones? Be­cause Je­sus was black, so they’re like Je­sus!

–1 train

Black teen girl, to three teen boys: Su­per Bowl! Su­per bowl?! What the hell does that mean, ‘a Su­per Bowl’? Did­n’t you ever think about how stu­pid that is?!

–F train, 4th Ave

Over­heard by: There­sa

Eight-year-old boy: You can’t have a Cow­boys game with­out the cheer­lead­ers. There go half the male tick­et hold­ers.

–Prospect Park, Brook­lyn

Guy who is clear­ly not Eli Man­ning: What do I do? My name is Eli Man­ning, and I play for the New York Gi­ants.

–Up­per West Side

Guy ran­dom­ly wipes out on the side­walk, flat on his stom­ach with arms stretched out in front of him. Every­one stares.

Near­by cop: Safe!

–Out­side Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Ba­nana­phone

Next Time Im­pede the In­ves­ti­ga­tion in Finnish

[Pa­trol car flash­ing lights at curb. Small group of high-school­ers cor­ralled against wall]Police of­fi­cer: So what hap­pened –what did you see?
Sharp teen: No hablo in­glés.
Of­fi­cer, in per­fect Span­ish: En­tonces, que pasó? Qué viste?
Smart teen: No hablo es­pañol!

–85th & Am­s­ter­dam

Over­heard by: Christo­pher Stone

But That Gear Shaft To­tal­ly Con­sent­ed

Drunk mid­dle-aged woman #1: Yeah, but I don’t think…
Drunk mid­dle-aged woman #2: The cops in the state of New Jer­sey all have com­put­ers in their cars. They pulled him over, and he was­n’t even do­ing any­thing!
Drunk mid­dle-aged man #1: Well, what did they say to you?
Drunk mid­dle-aged man #2: They said I was dri­ving erot­i­cal­ly.

–NJ Tran­sit

The Un­bear­able Light­ness Of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Rasta­far­i­an man to white bas­ket­ball fe­male play­er with dreads: Hey! Why you white peo­ple al­ways try­ing to look like me!

–Union Square

Black guy sell­ing Em­pire State Build­ing tick­ets: You’re from Scot­land? I love the Scots… They’re pu­u­u­u­u­u­ur­rreee white!

–Out­side Em­pire State Build­ing

Black woman to an­oth­er, about frat guys near­by: Man, white peo­ple are so loud.

–109th & Am­s­ter­dam

Over­heard by: Becks

Black hobo to white teen: Get out of this neigh­bor­hood with your white crotch! You don’t be­long here!

–Up­per West Side

Black woman to cops walk­ing away: But I’m a Cau­casian!

–Bed-Stuy