Archive for the ‘Cops’ Category

Next Time Im­pede the In­ves­ti­ga­tion in Finnish

[Pa­trol car flash­ing lights at curb. Small group of high-school­ers cor­ralled against wall]Police of­fi­cer: So what hap­pened –what did you see?
Sharp teen: No hablo in­glés.
Of­fi­cer, in per­fect Span­ish: En­tonces, que pasó? Qué viste?
Smart teen: No hablo es­pañol!

–85th & Am­s­ter­dam

Over­heard by: Christo­pher Stone

But That Gear Shaft To­tal­ly Con­sent­ed

Drunk mid­dle-aged woman #1: Yeah, but I don’t think…
Drunk mid­dle-aged woman #2: The cops in the state of New Jer­sey all have com­put­ers in their cars. They pulled him over, and he was­n’t even do­ing any­thing!
Drunk mid­dle-aged man #1: Well, what did they say to you?
Drunk mid­dle-aged man #2: They said I was dri­ving erot­i­cal­ly.

–NJ Tran­sit

The Un­bear­able Light­ness Of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Rasta­far­i­an man to white bas­ket­ball fe­male play­er with dreads: Hey! Why you white peo­ple al­ways try­ing to look like me!

–Union Square

Black guy sell­ing Em­pire State Build­ing tick­ets: You’re from Scot­land? I love the Scots… They’re pu­u­u­u­u­u­ur­rreee white!

–Out­side Em­pire State Build­ing

Black woman to an­oth­er, about frat guys near­by: Man, white peo­ple are so loud.

–109th & Am­s­ter­dam

Over­heard by: Becks

Black hobo to white teen: Get out of this neigh­bor­hood with your white crotch! You don’t be­long here!

–Up­per West Side

Black woman to cops walk­ing away: But I’m a Cau­casian!

–Bed-Stuy

Ow! Nice Cuffs, Though

Man in knit hat, dirty shirt, and hood­ie ex­it­ing el­e­va­tor: Yo, what you sup­posed to be, a cow­boy?
Guy in cow­boy hat and fringe jack­et: Yeah, that’s right!
Man: Well, guess what — I’m a thug! Ha! [Turns to po­lice of­fi­cer stand­ing near­by] And what about you, you sup­posed to be a cop? That’s a shit cos­tume!

–DeKalb & Flat­bush

Over­heard by: John­ny Tremaine

And That Was When Fat Al­bert Went Straight

Five thugs as­cend­ing sub­way steps see cop on the street: Ho! The pigs! Oink! Bust­ed! [They run and one starts breath­ing heav­i­ly, wheezing.]Cop: Maybe you should have tak­en the el­e­va­tor.
Fat thug: Shit! There’s an el­e­va­tor?! Where’s the el­e­va­tor?! [Af­ter they all go to look for the el­e­va­tor] There’s no el­e­va­tor! He tricked us!

–Lorimer St, Brook­lyn

Who Let the Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Out?

Queer, to his Ger­man Shep­herd: Steven, don’t play these mind games with me!

–23rd & 8th

Man, re­strain­ing his dog from fol­low­ing an­oth­er dog across the street: C’­mon, bud­dy. It was­n’t meant to be.

–6th St & 7th Ave, Park Slope

Woman drag­ging her dog away from an­oth­er dog who is bark­ing fran­ti­cal­ly: You know what? You’re just cuter than her. That’s why she’s so up­set.

–Dit­mars Blvd, As­to­ria

Over­heard by: sara n.

Cop to his whin­ing Ger­man Shep­herd: Awww, what’s wrong ba­by? Did you see an ass­hole?

–West 4th Sta­tion