Girl #1: Do you vaguely resemble an elephant?
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: Do you vaguely resemble an elephant?
Girl #2: I have no idea.
Girl #1: So you’re not Snuffleupagus?
Girl #2: No, I’m not.
Hobo: Ask her if she’s horny!
Girl #1: Are you an actor?
Girl #2: No.
Hobo: Ask her if she’s horny!
Girl #1: Dammit, um–
Hobo: You might be surprised!
–1 train
Overheard by: emzor
Crazy dancing Jewish man: Hey, are you Jewish? Are you? Hey, I can tell you are! You look so Jewish! I know you are!
Woman: Why? Just because I have a fat ass and a big diamond ring? Fuck you and your big hat.
–14th St, in front of Purim Truck
Woman, 40s: …so I was like, no man can get away with that! I won’t let him get away with that! So I decided to leave him. I took my clothes, my jewelry, and my money, I didn’t need no more than that…are you listening to me? So I packed my bags, took my jewelry, his jewelry, my money, his money, and left $5 on the dresser – leave him broke, right? And then before I left, he was sleeping? And you know, the muscle still works even when he’s sleeping (there’s kids around but y’all know what muscle I’m talking about). So I did what I had to do, right, and then I took the superglue and stuck it right to his stomach. I glued that shit down. I rubbed it all over his hair down there, too. Got him good. Neighbors told me he had to go to the hospital, get that shit surgically removed.
–4 train
Overheard by: Anna
Crazy hobo with guitar to stranger: Damn… you invited a lot of people.
–1 Train
Hobo to young married couple: I have found the promised land. Seriously. I’d get a plane ticket right now, but it’d be cheaper to go to confession for a week and then get hit by a bus. Remind me to tell you about this later.
–Times Square
Overheard by: Oliver
Grimy hobo: Hey, do you guys have any change? Hey, do you guys have any change?
(20-something girl walks past him, with businessman a few steps behind) Hey, do you guys want to have sex? Uh, I mean…
–W 3rd & Thompson
Hobo, taking donations to help the homeless, counting coins: 25…50…60… (grabs fistful of coins sticks in pocket) Tax rebate!
–Union Square
Dude on cell: Alright, listen up. If the guy gets up and walks away, he’s not dead. If you come back and he’s still lying there, he’s dead, you follow? So, in that situation you are just going to go through the motions like we discussed.
–23th & 7th
Overheard by: mel
Random man on bicycle to doorman: You never know when you’re going to eat a bad mushroom and die.
–87th St & York Ave
Overheard by: Critter
Jersey woman, looking at a case with brains that suffered from major stroke: Oh my gawd… They probably died from that!
–Bodies The Exhibition, South St Seaport
Guy shopping in art supply on a cell: So you’re banking on dying young, then?
–Art Store, Williamsburg
Spacey old guy to friends, calmly: I want to murder that guy. (even more calmly) I’ve got bloodlust in my heart.
–9th St b/w 1st & 2nd
Overheard by: JKW
Woman on cell: You want to be cremated, right? (pause) Well, then what the hell are we going to do with you?
–Park Ave
Guy eating pancakes: Everything’s funny in retrospect, like the time I got that screwdriver stuck in my eye.
–IHOP, Brooklyn
Ancient Greek civilization professor: A sexual act, in some sense, for an observer is funny.
–Hunter College
Crazy lady: All the prostitutes need to be rounded up and stuck in churches! (teen girl laughs) You think that’s funny? It’s not gonna be funny when you are in a hospital addicted to crack!
–Water St & Broad St
Girl to her friend: Wouldn’t it be funny if human beings could only walk forward and backwards?
–8th St & 2nd Ave
Lady sitting with girlfriends: It’s funny because I’m pregnant, and he doesn’t know.
–Starbucks
Drunken Jets fan to friends in Jets jerseys: That’s not funny. You want to see something funny? (grabs wooden signpost, slams forehead into it) That’s funny!
–W 4th & Barrow
Overheard by: jira monkey
Hobo #1: I love you.
Hobo #2: Get the fuck out of here.
Hobo #1: What?
Hobo #2: You are going to fuck with me and you are going to get yourself hurt. I mean it!
–Penn Station
Overheard by: bebe
Crazy vet: Hey lady, you got any kids?
Sympathetic, but slightly freaked out woman: No.
Crazy vet: You got any grandkids?
Sympathetic, but slightly freaked out woman: Yeah, I got six grandbabies.
–14 D Bus
Overheard by: Fer
Odd-Looking guy: Attention, humans. I am an angel. An Earth angel. I used to speak on behalf of Jesus Christ, but I have been promoted to be an angel on Earth, to teach others how to become earth angels. I can teach you how to become an Earth angel. I can only teach females.
–Downtown 6 train
Overheard by: Shira
Man: This looks like a good place!
Large woman, unzipping her fly: I’ll probably get arrested for whippin’ the bitch out!
–Prospect Park
Overheard by: Kitty C.
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist