Archive for the ‘Crazy’ Category

The Unit­ed One-Lin­ers Of Wednes­day

Fe­male suit on cell: And if we get cus­tody, we can take the girls to North Car­oli­na! Fuck it! Yeah, we can!

–37th St & Madi­son

Over­heard by: catch­ing a train

Lit­tle boy: Mom­my, is Cal­i­for­nia re­al­ly far? Would we have to take the f train to get there?

–N Train

Crazy-eyed la­dy on sub­way: The pub­lic schools failed my son! He flunked out, and now he’s get­ting all As in pri­vate school! We need to stop putting mon­ey in­to Geor­gia and put mon­ey in­to our schools! You know what else we need to do? We need to drill in Alas­ka, be­cause if we don’t, Rus­si­a’s go­ing to get a pipeline in there and take it all!

–Up­town R Train

Over­heard by: An­na P.

20-some­thing woman: I think he’s just go­ing to club me…and drag me back to Alas­ka.

–Bleeck­er & 11th

Over­heard by: Im­ma club you

Fa­ther to five-year-old daugh­ter touch­ing sign­posts and cars: You can rub any­thing you want in Con­necti­cut, hon­ey, but we have to be care­ful in New York.

–Union Square

Thugette: Ohio was mad crazy. Hill­bil­lies be fuck­ing chill­in’ on the block. Ain’t no one had teeth! No one! You ever seen one of those movies where some white guy goes fuck­ing crazy and kills, like, ten peo­ple? Like he’s walk­ing down the street and just stabs a cat in the neck? It was like that.

–V Train

Thank God the Wednes­day One-Lin­ers’ Strike Is Over

Chick on cell: We can’t let Blair and Tootie con­trol our lives!

–LIRR

Over­heard by: Poo­gins

Home­less crazy black guy to three scared white girls in their twen­ties: Time is crazy. Oh man, what time is “Des­per­ate House­wives” on?!

–10th Street & 3rd Ave

Large lati­no: Yo, it was so good last night, I mean I can’t be­lieve you missed it. It was the best episode I’ve seen yet, se­ri­ous­ly bro… Well the main thing that hap­pened was Hei­di tried to apol­o­gize to LC and she was all like: “I wan­na for­get you!” I was like: “Whaaaaaat? For re­al?” It was crazy, you got­ta catch it!

–Times Square Of­fice Build­ing

Over­heard by: SU­SAN

Red­head: The “Brady Bunch” world is a world with­out urges.

–Ve­niero’s, 11th St be­tween 1st & 2nd

Over­heard by: Ur­su­la & Winifred

Mus­cu­lar guy: He comes up to me talk­ing all this shit, say­ing that he’ll bring it. Bring what? He’s not gangs­ta like I am, he ain’t thug like me. Skin­ny moth­er­fuc­ka looks like a damn burnt-out Screech.

–On the Bus

Ful­some girl with bad dye job: I’m like: “I watch ‘Law and Or­der: SVU’, I’m not get­ting in your van.”

–15th be­tween 6th and 7th

Over­heard by: Dis­union­square

Aries Spears, in line for an Ash­lee Simp­son au­to­graph: I’m the black guy from MADtv! [Grabs a ran­dom girl’s cam­era and snaps a pic­ture of them to­geth­er and walks away.]

–Vir­gin Mo­bile Mega Store, Times Square

She Un­der­stands Ac­ces­sories

Man in pa­per hat, leather jack­et cov­ered in so­da can tabs, and poofy skirt over jeans: She comes in and she comes home and breaks my heart, and the worst part is that I don’t un­der­stand her lan­guage. I’m bet­ter off with… [Steps back to peer at mag­a­zine a girl is read­ing] I’m bet­ter off with that one. What’s her name? Turn the page back one. Yeah, her. Tyra? Tyra. I’m bet­ter off with Tyra.

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Brownsvil­le­girl

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Did Chop Down That Cher­ry Tree

Well dressed par­ty-go­er: No, like, I went to Prince­ton ‑we lied all the time.

–Williams­burg

Over­heard by: Cuny Grad­u­ate

Dude on cell: Okay… Great. Yeah. But I got­ta go. My mom’s call­ing. [Hangs up, shoves phone in pock­et.]

–Wag­n­er Col­lege, Stat­en Is­land

Over­heard by: Squig­gs

Woman on cell: I just don’t un­der­stand why he got so freaked out about it. I said “I love you” ‑big fuck­ing deal. That does­n’t mean any­thing. I could have been ly­ing. I was ly­ing, for Christ’s sake.

–L Train

Crazy hobo: Hillary Clin­ton is a liar, she lies. We’ve been mar­ried for 28 years and she won’t ad­mit to it. Liar. Afraid of in­te­gra­tion, that’s Hillary.

–E Train

Over­heard by: Liz Beaux

Suit on cell to his wife: Yeah… Yeah… Oh, hon­ey, I have to go, this is it, the train’s here. Bye! [Clicks over to the oth­er line.] Hey bud­dy! How’s it go­ing!

–125th St. Sub­way plat­form

Over­heard by: EthanK

Twen­tysome­thing play­er on cell, pick­ing fresh hairs off him : I feel you, I feel you, I can’t meet up with you now, I have to go to For­est Hills to get my hair­cut.

–N Train

Over­heard by: john

Guy on cell: Most peo­ple lie to get out of ju­ry du­ty and here I am be­ing hon­est about NAM­BLA.

–73rd & 2nd

Over­heard by: melis­sa

And Wednes­day Said, “Let There Be One-Lin­ers.”

Guy on cell: Sup­pose there is no god. (pause) Hel­lo? Can you hear me? Sup­pose there is no god. (pause) Hel­lo? Hel­lo? Can you hear me?

–Bus

Over­heard by: Is God try­ing to tell you some­thing?

In­tense man, grasp­ing wom­an’s shoul­ders: God want­ed me to, and I was ready to.

–Near River­side Church, Morn­ing­side Heights

Over­heard by: I wish I knew more

Guy, in awed tones, hear­ing “Le nozze di Fi­garo” through open win­dow: It’s like the voice of God…

–The Bronx

Over­heard by: ground floor mu­sic lover

Crazy man: There is on­ly one God. There is on­ly one re­al deal. I can’t af­ford sex any­more.

–Out­side Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: That took a turn

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Go Through a Grey Pe­ri­od

Girl look­ing at garbage and dirt spilled on the side­walk: Gross. You think it’s sup­posed to be art?

–Broad­way & Hous­ton

Lit­er­a­ture pro­fes­sor: So any­thing that any­body ever paint­ed was a Gui­do?

–NYU Sil­ver Cen­ter

Plau­si­bly mad sep­tu­a­ge­nar­i­an clerk: When I was 16 Stravin­sky bought my first paint­ing. It was writ­ten up in the pa­per. A cou­ple of days lat­er, I was kid­napped.

–Barnes & No­ble, Lin­coln Cen­ter

Over­heard by: Seth

Fa­ther to four-year-old son: Look­ing at art makes your legs tired.

–Met­ro­pol­i­tan Mu­se­um Lob­by

Philis­tine: I don’t like art in which you have to un­der­stand the mo­ti­va­tion be­hind it.

–Out­side the Guggen­heim

Over­heard by: De­vot­ed Pup­py

Pro­fes­sor-type man to group of teens look­ing at Greek sculp­tures: And if the sculp­ture’s back is up against the wall and you want to see it from be­hind, just get up against a wall and look at its ass as much as you can… yeah! It’s not dirty or wrong… Just look at its ass!

–Met­ro­pol­i­tan Mu­se­um of Art