Archive for the ‘Crazy’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Go Through a Grey Pe­ri­od

Girl look­ing at garbage and dirt spilled on the side­walk: Gross. You think it’s sup­posed to be art?

–Broad­way & Hous­ton

Lit­er­a­ture pro­fes­sor: So any­thing that any­body ever paint­ed was a Gui­do?

–NYU Sil­ver Cen­ter

Plau­si­bly mad sep­tu­a­ge­nar­i­an clerk: When I was 16 Stravin­sky bought my first paint­ing. It was writ­ten up in the pa­per. A cou­ple of days lat­er, I was kid­napped.

–Barnes & No­ble, Lin­coln Cen­ter

Over­heard by: Seth

Fa­ther to four-year-old son: Look­ing at art makes your legs tired.

–Met­ro­pol­i­tan Mu­se­um Lob­by

Philis­tine: I don’t like art in which you have to un­der­stand the mo­ti­va­tion be­hind it.

–Out­side the Guggen­heim

Over­heard by: De­vot­ed Pup­py

Pro­fes­sor-type man to group of teens look­ing at Greek sculp­tures: And if the sculp­ture’s back is up against the wall and you want to see it from be­hind, just get up against a wall and look at its ass as much as you can… yeah! It’s not dirty or wrong… Just look at its ass!

–Met­ro­pol­i­tan Mu­se­um of Art

Al­so What Fresh­man Ori­en­ta­tion Is Like at Cor­nell.

Girl #1: Ugh, Brook­lyn Tech is so odd. But the kids are mad cool. We’re all like de­ment­ed nerds. It’s your typ­i­cal ur­ban Brook­lyn high school, but with su­per-ge­nius kids. Su­per-ge­nius kids that ain’t right in da head. But ya know, we kick ass.
Girl #2: Damn straight! Dem otha kids got nuthin on us.
Boy: Yo, you guys are whack! No won­der you are here.
Crowd of kids: Word!

–DeKalb Ave

The Man Has Earned His Quar­ter

De­cent­ly dressed man, who does­n’t look like he needs a quar­ter: Does any­one have a quar­ter? Does any­one have a quar­ter?
(no re­sponse, he sits down)
De­cent­ly dressed man, sound­ing like ra­dio an­nounc­er: You’re lis­ten­ing to pow­er 105… Pow­er 105… You’ve got the pow­er… Pow­er 105… Pow­er 105…
(lights cig­a­rette, and be­gins stand­ing on one foot in cen­ter of car with his arms stretched out)
Lit­tle girl to fa­ther: Wow, dad­dy… He’s good!

–6 Train

Over­heard by: john­ny­toma­toes

You Can’t Wear That Kind Of Silk As­cot and Not Be at Least Bi

Hobo to girl who just gave him a two-dol­lar bill: Would you look at that, two dol­lars! Thomas Jef­fer­son is on this bill. He was a queen. That’s right, he was a gay old fag­got.
(girl walks away very quick­ly) Do you want to help me and Thomas Jef­fer­son go to Hawaii? That’s right! Hawai-ii­i­i­i­ii!

–13th & 6th

Peo­ple for the Eth­i­cal Treat­ment Of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Girl to guy: I don’t think that ham­sters re­spond to you as much as, like, a guinea pig does.

–Bank St. & Green­wich St.

Over­heard by: Katie Com­pa

Crazy red­neck-look­ing guy to PE­TA cir­cus pro­test­er: They’re gonna do to us what they did to the li­ons! We’ll be put in con­cen­tra­tion camps!

–Madi­son Square Gar­den

Over­heard by: San­ti­a­go and Catie

Guy: And she can ride him like a horse!

–W 103rd St

Gray­ing Brook­lyn guy to an­oth­er: You know, the on­ly thing I haven’t seen is a bob­cat.

–7th Ave & 4th St, Brook­lyn

Un­der­class­man to an­oth­er: Lizards can’t im­preg­nate any­one. They don’t even have penis­es.

–Townsend Har­ris High School

Over­heard by: amused

Drunk man in tiger cos­tume to Mc­Don­ald’s work­er: There’s an es­caped zoo an­i­mal and he wants to eat your pussy. Stop serv­ing your food and hide! (then steals bowl of jams used for break­fast menu)


Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Blame Their Moth­ers

CC­NY stu­dent: I’ve al­ways thought he has psy­cho­log­i­cal prob­lems. (pause) Like, he’s one of those peo­ple that has to flip the light switch 17 times or the whole world dies.

–Hall­way, CC­NY

Over­heard by: la­dyliv­er

Suit on cell: She is try­ing to get a good ed­u­ca­tion so that she can pay for ther­a­py lat­er on.

–1250 Broad­way

Loud male cus­tomer count­ing out pack­ets of chew­ing to­bac­co: One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six! Ever since I quit my job at Sesame Street, I can’t seem to live my life. Ker­mit is my shrink, so of course I’m screwed…

–Smoke Shop, Park Slope

Over­heard by: Kiri

Dude hang­ing up his cell: Oh my god, I think all Jew­ish girls need ther­a­py.

–Good Stuff Din­er, 14th St

Over­heard by: Kosi

Suit on cell: Dude, I know, but like, you ei­ther get help, or you’re nor­mal. (pause) No, dude, pick one, get help or be nor­mal. Damn.

–Port Au­thor­i­ty

Over­heard by: Sarah

His­to­ry teacher to class: Does that make you un­com­fort­able? Be­cause I know I’m men­tal.

–Bronx High School of Sci­ence

Over­heard by: Lil­lian

Just Spare Me the “Great In­sti­tu­tion” Joke

Crazy man: Girl, you been mar­ried?
Teenag­er girl: Yes.
Crazy man: You di­vorced?
Teenag­er girl: Yes.
Crazy man: How many times you been mar­ried?
(teenag­er girl holds out five fin­gers)
Crazy man: Damn girl, I’ve on­ly been mar­ried once and we’re still to­geth­er.

–Time Square Shut­tle

Over­heard by: Hol­ly