Archive for the ‘Crime and Punishment’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Call Themselves “Publicists”

Announcer dude: People, get the Audio Guide! If you don’t you’ll end up up there thinking, ‘I should have listened to that handsome, well-spoken man downstairs.’ You’ll be beating yourself for not buying the Audio Guide. And I don’t need that on my conscience.

–Empire State Building

Overheard by: George Carstocea

Daily News hawker: Sign up here for your free subscription to the Daily News! [Muttering] We’ll screw you later.

–Outside Shea Stadium

Overheard by: Mrs. Met

Guy selling comedy show tickets: Come on, have a ticket. If you don’t I’ll stalk you on your MySpace page!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Punkgrrl

Top of the Rock promoter guy: Yeah, it’s supposed to be, like, the best view or whatever of, uh, I don’t know… [Calls to fellow promoter] Yo, man, you ever been up there?

–Rockefeller Center

Flyer dude: See the naked cowboy on stage! Sucking cock!

–46th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ashley

Guy selling newspapers: New York Post here! Daily News here! [He’s ignored.] New York Post here! Daily News! [Still ignored.] George Bush wins the lottery! [Still ignored.]

–33rd & 7th

Comedy club promoter: People, you gotta come tonight, because if you don’t my boss is gonna kill me! I work for the mafia!

–Times Square

A Misunderstanding Regarding Whether Her Man Should Continue Breathing

Woman: This is the second time I been to New York, though, ’cause last time my girl was like, “Do you like the nightlife?” and I said, “Yeah,” and she was like, “Then you gotta get to the city, bitch,” and I got arrested for smoking a blunt on someone’s brownstone.
Man: That’s terrible.
Woman: Oh no, I mean, it was like the second time I got arrested, you know, so it was like no big deal.
Man: What happened the first time?
Girl: Oh, that was just a misunderstanding. I was like 14, and I was wit’ ma man, and we was having words–like, we was having a disagreement–and I stabbed him, is all. It was just a misunderstanding.

–Chinatown bus

Overheard by: Fung Wahhahahahaha

Wednesday One-Liners Call It “Extreme Sharing”

20-something hipster to friend, punching him in the arm: Dude, you stole my Facebook status!

–Central Park

Overheard by: dude, just think up a new one!

Cable man to another, standing in line at Wendy's: Yeah, I was across the street at Popeyes, but it looked like some man was going to rob the place, so I came here instead.

–Flatbush & Ocean Parkway, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Anna

Crazy lady to pigeon: Get outta here! You ain't gonna get none if you beg. You gotta wait for me to give it to you. (throws bread in other direction) That's why you ain't get none. (a few minutes later, she gets up to leave) Alright. It's been real. Thank for not stealing my potato chips.

–Tribeca Park

Four-year-old boy to mom: Mom, when you take chips from my bag without asking, you're stealing. We talked about this. We talked about this at length.

–Uptown 3 Train

Overheard by: This girl from NY

What's More American Than Wednesday One-Liners?

Guy on cell: Come on, one third of Americans don't pay their taxes. I want to be one of them.

–7th Ave & Garfield, Brooklyn

Guy on cell: Does he know where he is? This is America–this is America. They makin' ice cream every second! I don't know what he's complainin' about, they got chains makin' food 24 hours a day…they even makin' milk on Christmas!

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Tess

Obnoxious black guy to another: I was watchin' a special on tv last night talkin' about how gays can't be in the war! When they find out the whole America is gay, we're screwed!

–45th & 9th

Construction worker to another: Hell, I could break down George Bush in a debate. And I'm a fuckin' plumber! (pause) I hate my damn nation…

–Dunkin' Donuts, Astoria, Queens

Conductor: This is the r local to Continental… Forest Hills… Queens… USA!

–R Train

Overheard by: Mugsy's Moll

Wednesday One-Liners Ain't Got the Money, Honey

Older man, to no one in particular: That's why I keep my income low, so no one jumps me.

–Myrtle & Clinton, Brooklyn

Woman with scratch-off lotto card to friend: I won four dollars! I won four dollars! You know I can't spend that, though. I gotta get food for my kids. Those niggas be hungry!

–Staten Island Ferry

Angelic-looking teen girl screaming into cell: Are you coming to the movies with me? You're broke? Just mug someone on the way. Mug someone! (pause) Mug! M-u-g! Rhymes with "thug"!

–Chambers & West St

Puerto Rican dude on cell: I ain't got no money. I got weed, but I ain't got no money.

–25th St & 7th Ave

Village lady: She was in foreclosure before it was fashionable to be in foreclosure.

–Bleecker & Mercer

Testing, Wednesday One, Two, Three-Liners

Principal, over PA system: Attention: We are testing out the PA system. If you don't hear this, please call the office.

–Public School

Announcer on 6 train (which was being held at the station): Attention ladies and gentlemen. (pause) Does this thing even work?

–Uptown 6 Train

Overheard by: Your Mom

Cop, over megaphone from patrol car: Attention people in the park, we think you are all drunk. Whether legally or illegally, please, vacate the area. (a few minutes later, after driving around the fountain) People in the fountain, don't think we can't see you…don't use stargazing as your excuse because there's too much light pollution!

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: In the fountain

Conductor over PA: Attention passengers. Acts of pugilism are not allowed on this train.
(two minutes later) Attention passengers. This is just a reminder that acts of fornication or fellatio are not allowed on this train.

–Post Midnight Drunk Train, LIRR

Overheard by: Rob T Firefly

Nervous voice on building PA system: Can I have your attention, please? Can I have your attention, please? Please disregard this message.

–Third Ave & b/w 50th & 51st

Wednesday One-Liners With Teardrop Tattoos

Tall thug to another: Yo,… I love jail food!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Never had it

Dad to overly excited daughter: Yes, you can tell your mom you went in the bouncy castle in front of the prison.

–Atlantic & Smith

Screaming four-year-old to mom: Are you going to put me in jail?

–Q Train

Young mother to baby, pinching his cheeks: Daddy's in prison! Prisonprisonprisonprisonprison!

–Jackson Heights, Queens

Overheard by: Giving up all hope Newsbunny