Archive for the ‘Crime and Punishment’ Category

…But Then We’d Be Late for Our Spa Appointment. Sophie’s Choice!

Creepy dude, walking up to two college kids: Hey, you guys look pretty smart, can I ask you a question?
College guy: Uh, we can’t um… help you.
Creepy dude: I’m not asking for money, I just have a question. So if someone like, is an accomplice in a kidnapping, are they just as liable as the person who did the actual kidnapping?
College guy: I think it depends.
Creepy dude: Great! Thanks. (creepy dude walks away)
College chick: Is this one of those, “if you see something, say something” moments? Maybe we should call a popo.

–Port Authority Bus Terminal

Overheard by: Vicksburg

Habitual Offender Wednesday One-Liners

Three white guys are dressed in prison uniforms.

Huge black guy: Those mothafuckas wouldn’t last a second in Attica.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: acep

Guy on cell: Jeff, it’s me. Quick question — when you get arrested, do you lose all of your civil liberties or just some? … ‘Cause these guys won’t leave me the fuck alone…

–Staten Island Ferry

Drunk Fordham student: Have you ever been in a Mexican prison? You have no idea what it’s like in a Mexican prison!

–Pugsley’s

Overheard by: Rachel Hoban

Lady on cell: He just graduated from culinary school, and he said he got the best job in the class. He’s the chef at Michigan State Prison.

–Broadway & Spring St

Girl, after lady bumps into her: I mean, if God bumps into me, that’s one thing — I wouldn’t say nothing, ’cause that’s God, you know? But she ain’t God, and I’m about to go to jail over her ass.

–Target, Brooklyn

Overheard by: santos

If You Can’t Do the Time, Don’t Do the Wednesday One-Liners

Woman: I can’t believe it. I just can’t believe I’m being charged in connection with this crime. I mean she’s the one – she’s the one who committed manslaughter.

–Elevator, Macy’s

Cashier girl: You know, we haven’t gotten robbed in a while. I can’t believe it!

–Blockbuster, 94th & Broadway

Man: If I had anything to say him it would be this: prison is going to be hard on you because fraud is a crime!

–E train platform, 14th St

Overheard by: Cameron Rose 

Dude: I’m just glad to be off the FBI’s Most Wanted list. 

–Bleecker & MacDougal

Guy on cell: Guess who I interviewed today? This guy got sent to jail twice for sodomy…I had to call him back after I read that…But at least he’s not, like, a thief or something. I bet those two tear drops were for the guys he fucked.

–Union Square

Overheard by: confabulation nation

20-Something guy: It wouldn’t look good on your job application if you got arrested.

–5th Ave

Overheard by: Kathy 

Cop, arresting a man: I understand that, but you know it’s not really about being a good guy or being a bad guy. It’s about you taking that nice woman’s wallet.

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: SUSAN

I Looked Into The Abyss, and It Shit Itself

Geek: Well, she was dog-sitting and the dog died. The family, I guess, was someplace where they couldn’t get home, so she had to take care of it.
Dude: Take care of it?
Geek: Well, she was in Boston but didn’t have a car and didn’t know what to do with it because she couldn’t carry it, so she put it in a rolling suitcase to take it to the vet. On her way there, some guy saw her struggling with the bag and offered to help her carry it. When they were almost to the vet he asked what was in the bag, and, because I guess she didn’t think she could tell him that there was a dead dog in the bag, she said, ‘Electronics!’ Apparently, he looked at her, looked at the bag, punched her in the face, and ran off with the dog! Can you fucking believe it?! He stole the dead dog!
Quiet friend: … Did she have a black eye?
Dude: I can’t wait to talk to her when we get back to Boston so I can make fun of her! [Later…] I swear to God, if some girl I was fucking got knocked up, I would kill myself. Well, I would kill myself and then I would punch her in the face… Fuck, if she got pregnant, I would tear that baby out with a fork!

–Metro-North, New Haven line

Wednesday One-liners Bring It

Girl: Like, my grandmother got stabbed with an ice pick by her brother. And then they were estranged for years. 

–Bobst Library, Washington Square South