Archive for the ‘Crime and Punishment’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Look Terrible in Neon Orange

20-something woman to man: You've never been arrested? I have never met anyone that has not been arrested!

–Le Charlot Restaurant, Upper East Side

Angry guy on cell: If you ever send e-mail to my family again, I will wait outside your apartment door! (pause) I got arrested! I spent Thanksgiving in jail!

–11th & University

Overheard by: MissPinkKate

Man in US Correctional Services jacket to another looking around hectically in a large crowd: Make sure we don't lose him!

–Penn Station

Chubby well-dressed black dude to skinny white geeky friends: Time in prison can be good for the soul!

–F Train

Overheard by: MissMae

Guy on cell: Yeah man, she's like a young girl, and she's driving me nuts. It's like always a fight with her. I mean, she's so young, yo… But yeah, I mean, she's a sweetheart. I mean, she's a good girl. So young. Like, we've been together for 7 months and that ain't nothing to me, but to her it's a big deal. And I'm all like, shit, I've been in jail for longer than 7 months, you know, so I don't know what she's bitching about. I don't need her to make me miserable. I can make myself miserable.

–Metro-North Train

Overheard by: Meaghan

Fran Drescher sound-alike: What's wrong with you? Don't applaud, I'm going to jail!

–Eight Mile Creek, Mullberry Street

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

And Idiot Is Not a Protected Class, So Watch Out.

Guy #1: Wow, they indicted five cops in that beating last year in Shenandoah.
Guy #2: Yeah, it was a hate crime.
Guy #1: The victim was gay?
Guy #2: No, dude, he was Mexican.
Guy #1: What? Since when is it a crime to be Mexican?
Guy #2, after pause: Everyone on this train thinks you are a fucking idiot, and I agree with them.

–Uptown 6 Train

Like MTV Made, or What?

40-something drunk Italian man in polo short and jeans: They tried to make me a made man when I was 16. Do you get what I'm sayin? I've got fucking connections. I know Duke. I know my brother. I know my dad.
40-something white man in jeans, Hawaiian shirt and long blond wig: No, but these people own the Bronx.
40-something drunk Italian man in polo short and jeans: Why do you have to be a dick? I told you, they tried to make me. I said no, but I still know my dad and Duke. If they try to hit you again, I got you. (yelling) Do you understand what that means? Made man? I was almost made!

–Tompkins Square Park

Wednesday One-Liners Do Not Pass “Go”; Do Not Collect $200

Guy: I don’t think you’re supposed to like being incarcerated.

–St. Mark’s Place

Overheard by: mkb

Middle-aged man on phone: I’m telling you, if I turn myself in now I won’t be in court for six months.

–50th & 8th

Grungy guy to his friend: …Dude, you have no idea how many times I’ve been in this courthouse…

–Giants Parade, in Front of the Courthouse

Overheard by: Julian

Guy on phone: We really got ourselves in some deep shit with this one. I hope he gets out sooner for good behavior. We should have never gotten involved.

–JFK Airport

Woman, yelling in stall: I will read you your Miranda rights, bitch! I will arrest you!

–Port Authority Women’s Bathroom

Overheard by: unsure if she is crazy or on the phone

Cashier on phone: No, you don’t understand, miss. That is perjury. If I do that, I will go to jail… No, you are not listening to me. I would be arrested. I would serve time…[hangs up, turns to customers.] Can I help you?

–Harlem U-Haul

Wednesday One-Liners Have a History of Violence

Guy, to girl: If I wanted to be angry, I would have punched you in the face a long time ago.

–34th & 7th

Woman on cell: Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.

–33rd St & 31st Ave, Astoria

Overheard by: Wade

Woman: It’s not like someone put a gun to your head and told you to fuck her!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Cha

Guy on cell: Yes, I’m interested in your sparring class…No, you see I want to hit somebody.

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: Braincurve

Thug, to his girlfriend: Yo, I don’t care if you a girl or not. I will bust you in the head with a rock.

–Central Park

The Wednesday One-Liners behind the Badge

Male cop to another: Did I tell you today how much I love you?

–34th & 8th

Overheard by: Egon

Thug jumping onto train just as doors were closing: Yo, what train is this? Nah, I don’t care as long as the cops didn’t see me.

–C train, Penn Station

Overheard by: go rangers!

Cop car loudspeaker to random driver: Please use your turn signal when you make an illegal left turn and cut off the bus causing an accident.

–8th & University

Overheard by: misspenny

Conductor: Do not go in between cars at any time, whether or not the train is moving. This is becoming a police state. That’s why I’m outta here.

–S train, Grand Central

Overheard by: Hametuka

White People: Is Any Of This Our Fault?

Large black guy #1: Wait, you don’t have your permit yet?
Large black guy #2: Nigga, that ain’t my fault. You know I can drive, but the written test fucked me up.
Large black guy #1: I thought you said it was the easiest shit ever.
Large black guy #2: No, it is. I took it in five minutes. But the last question was “if there’s an ambulance, a fire truck and a mail truck behind you, who do you let by first?”
Large black guy #1: That’s easy. It’s the –
Large black guy #2: Lemme finish. So I put the ambulance right, because some nigga be dying back there. But it turns out the answer is the postal truck because it’s federal property and you can’t mess with the feds.
Large black guy #1: That’s some stupid shit right there. Some nigga be dying in the back. Stupid feds. You know, the police can get you now for saying the n-word? They can give you a ticket and shit.
Large black guy #2: That ain’t right, nigga. I’m black and I will act accordingly.

–2 Train

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