Archive for the ‘Customers’ Category

Don’t Talk With Your Mouth Full

Mid­dle-Aged man: I hope we don’t get caught.
Pros­ti­tute: Don’t wor­ry, I nev­er have.

–81st & Am­s­ter­dam
Head­line by: Sean

Run­ners-Up:
· “…Not Once in My Ten Years on the Force.” — In­g­wall
· “Any Ex­tra Charge For the Lip Ser­vice?” — Hobo Whis­per­er
· “He Was Look­ing For, ”Cause Then We’d Have to Be Pun­ished…’ ” — alex
· “I’ve Got My Lucky Con­dom” — Sheri
· “Is Hugh Grant Con­sid­ered ‘Mid­dle-Aged’?” — Matthew McGuirl
· “My Par­ents Will Be Home in an Hour” — Lois
· “Skip the Con­dom. She’s Been Test­ed, Too” — Andy Adele­witz
· “Take Your Fa­ther to Work Day” — Sean Mc Grath

Hon­or­able men­tions:
· “Charge Me If You Can” — petch
· “If You Can’t Beat ‘Em (in Pub­lic)” — Heather
· “They Were Talk­ing About Their Braces.” — Al­li­son

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

How Could You Not Love This Town?

Cashier: How are you?
Cus­tomer: Do you want the hon­est an­swer?
Cashier: Yes.
Cus­tomer: I feel like the busi­ness end of a don­key. I am ex­treme­ly hun­gover and did a moun­tain of co­caine last night. Now I have to make din­ner for a 68-year-old gay artist who is try­ing to fuck me.
Cashier: I’m… sor­ry.
Cus­tomer: And the woman I love is in an­oth­er state preg­nant with her ex-boyfriend’s ba­by, and I wish the ba­by was mine. And I’m sleep­ing with a dom­i­na­trix. And it’s all true.

–Whole Foods

…By Glaz­ing Over the Truth.

Old la­dy cov­ered in ba­by pow­der: Give me six donuts.
Donuts clerk: Okay, which ones?
Old la­dy cov­ered in ba­by pow­der: Six donuts.
Donuts clerk: These are all donuts… Which ones?
Old la­dy cov­ered in ba­by pow­der: Six donuts.
Donuts clerk: Okay, I’ll just give you a se­lec­tion of six. (starts putting ran­dom donuts in bag)
Old la­dy cov­ered in ba­by pow­der: Six donuts, don’t trick me.

–Flat­bush, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Save the Whales, Save the Whole Thing