Professor: So there’s this study that says that left-handed people have lower evolutionary fitness.
Student: Does that mean that we’re doomed because the President is left handed?
Professor, without missing a beat: No, it just means he’s going to die.
–Columbia University
Radiology nurse: I have been asked out before. But never while giving a barium enema!
–Radiology Medical Office, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Paper
Doctor on cell: I have to get oriented as to the location of those cadavers!
–3rd Ave, Near Cabrini Medical Center
Older doctor to younger doctor in a group: You actually tried to get a dermatology consultant to come in the middle of the night? That was pretty dumb. You know those guys wouldn’t get out of their Shea butter body wraps unless the world was ending.
–Kings County Emergency Room
Suit to lady friend: If you really wanted to smoke crack you’d go to the hospital!
–Nassau St & Ann St
Overweight girl to female friend: Wanna play gynecologist?
–St. Mark’s Place
Overheard by: Sarah Booz
Conductor (after a few minutes waiting at signal): One of those trains better hurry it up and move it, I have better things to do.
–N Train
Conductor: Across the platform is an express 3 train. The doors are open, you can make it. Go for it! Go! Catch that train! (after a few stops) There is an express 2 train across the platform. You will make it. You will not miss it. You will make it.
–1 Train
Overheard by: motivated
Cheerful conductor: Welcome to the station formerly known as Prince!
–R Train
Conductor: We are now arriving at Grand Central. This is our final stop. We’re six minutes early, so now you can’t say anything bad about us.
–Metro North Train
Overheard by: Angela
Conductor: That is a 1 train and all trains are running express. Another local won’t run til 5 am Monday. You can wait but we don’t serve dinner or breakfast, and I’m all out of sleeping bags.
–1 Train
Overheard by: Steve
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, the train’s emergency brakes have been activated for some reason. The train operator is going to walk around the train and check if there’s a…body, or something, under the train. After that, we’ll be able to move!
–C Train
Overheard by: Patient Passenger
Train conductor: Last call for the 10:00 local…last call! Get on the train cause away we go, and it’s 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…blastoff!
–Metro North
Overheard by: to mount kisco, and BEYOND!
Blonde seventh grader, about Holocaust: Yeah, like, I’m Jewish on my mom’s side, you’re Asian. So, basically everyone in our class would have died from the Nazis.
Asian seventh grader, to other friend: Except for Laura.
Laura: What? Why?
Asian seventh grader: Because you’re white.
Laura: I’m not white! I’m like… Pinkish or something.
–93rd St & Amsterdam
Guy: Man, you think Lee Harvey Oswald had good aim? You should meet my wife.
–B train
Overheard by: Jess Issacharoff
Woman: Her bridal shower was her sweet sixteen.
–F train
Queer on cell: Hi, Sweetie!…What? You got married? But honey, you’re gay!
–63rd & 3rd
Chick on cell: So did I tell you about the e‑mail I got? This guy I met on-line, on Nerve–we went out on like three dates, like a year and a half ago. Yeah, so I got an e‑mail from his wife and she was like, “Yo bitch, stay away from my husband.” So I wrote back, “Don’t e‑mail me, e‑mail your husband who’s been cheating on you for two fucking years.”
–33rd & Park
Teen girl: Yeah, he’s really lonely since his wife died 3 years ago. Now his best friend is his right hand and some skin lotion.
–Park Slope
Guy: Hey, how’s my wife and your kids?
–55th & Madison
Overheard by: Matt
Man on cell: I ain’t trying to see you nothin’. I want to marry you. I’m tellin you the truth. T‑R-U-F‑F. The Truth!
–Atlantic Avenue gas station
Overheard by: Megan
Gate agent: You need to listen to me. Don’t listen to your wife. Your wife doesn’t work here.
–Newark airport
Overheard by: jk
Man #1: So they were just rolling around in the back of the car, you didn’t use anything to hold them down at all?
Man #2: Well, I mean, the bodies are gonna be embalmed anyways, they get all stiff then–so why would I?
–Bedford & N 8th St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: raeme
Kid presses call button on commuter hotline phone.
Father: Why did you do that?
Son: I’m sorry. I didn’t know what it was.
Father: If you do that again the police will arrest you.
Son: Really?
Father: Yes, George Bush will come and take you to jail.
Son: What?
Father: He will kill you and put your picture on the Wall of Memories [Ground Zero feature].
–World Trade Center PATH station
Guy: …and he had, like, shark teeth! Three fucking rows of them! I swear.
–Fulton & Gold
NYU boy: Hey, Adam Duritz from Counting Crows is outside Hayden on his cell phone!
NYU girl: Uh, well.. I almost got killed by a fucking snow globe!
–Washington Square West
Older woman: When I die, I’m going to be fed to the grizzlies.
Younger woman: What?
Older woman: I want my hands and feet cremated and put into St John’s Cathedral, and the rest of me I want made into steaks and fed to an endangered species. It’s not enough anymore to just give them money. You have to give them part of yourself.
–South End Ave
Overheard by: lino & wyja
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist
