Archive for the ‘Default’ Category

Wednesdays Don’t Kill People; One-Liners Kill People

Large black man on cell phone: They did the deal with the diamonds, then the other guy got greedy and shot up the place.

–Union Ave

Overheard by: Seth Callaway

Teen, looking around: Where are we? Are we purchasing illegal arms?

–Turkish Restaurant, Montague St.

Overheard by: Mike N

Blonde chick in pink coat, perkily: … There was no exit wound, and no bullet.

–L train

Overheard by: Ladle

Girl talking to co-worker: I live near Wall Street and there are like army men down there with machine guns and it’s scary! How do I know they don’t have Tourette’s and won’t just start shooting their guns all over the place?!

–41st & 3rd

Older suit, calmly, to his two female coworkers: I’d like to put a gun to his head and say "Nickie do the right thing or I will blow your fucking head off."
[His companions nod in understanding.]

–Starbucks

Calm Jewish fraternity guy on cell: So, I’m being deported and drafted into the Israeli army… It’s okay, I’ll name my gun after you!

–NYU Waverly Building

What You Get for Talking to Strangers

Cokehead: Hey buddy, you got a cigarette?
Brit tourist: Yeah, man. Here.
Cokehead: Hey, smell my face.
Brit tourist: Why?
Cokehead: Just smell it, go on! (sticks chin out and pushes face to Brit’s nose)
Brit tourist: No way man, why?
Coke head: Please.
(Brit tourist smells his face)
Brit tourist: What is that?
Cokehead: That’s the smell of a thousand-dollar hooker’s pussy.

–42nd & 3rd

Fecal Coliform Wednesday One-Liners

Boricua: Yo, son, I told you! Birdseed don’t know shit about shit!

–Fordham University

Announcer: The 10:30… Shit, the 11:30 six train to Ronkonkoma is now boarding on track eighteen. Shit…

–LIRR terminal, Penn Station

Eight-year-old girl: Mom, look! Mom, they got a nicer elevator than we do! Shit.

–7th & 2nd

Overheard by: BJ

Girl: Awww, all they have is shit!

–NYU dining hall

Loud woman on phone: So, guess what my 18-month-old daughter learned to say? ‘Oh, shit.’ And guess who she learned it from? Mommy.

–Bergen Beach-bound B3 bus

Overheard by: Robert

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