Archive for the ‘Delis’ Category

Bone­less Ones in Sauce

Old la­dy #1: Well, then my grand­son and his friends went over to Hoot­ers. You know, Hoot­ers the restau­rant? Do you know what hoot­ers are?
Old la­dy #2: Big boo­bies?

–Guy & Gal­lard Deli, 6th & 37th

Over­heard by: Michelle S.

“Fuck Your Moth­er” Is Prac­ti­cal­ly a Good-Guy Mantra

Young thug #1: Every­one is get­ting tat­toos! Every­one!
Young thug #2: Like who?
Young thug #1: Dave. He just got an­oth­er tat. I want a tat!
Young thug #2: So, why don’t you get one?
Young thug #1: I can’t… (whis­pers) My mom won’t let me.
Young thug #2: Shit, nig­ga, fuck your moth­er. You can get a tat and be a good guy. I’m a good guy. My record is sealed!

–Deli, Park Slope

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers? Kinky!

300-pound girl on phone: Girl, you showed your whole booty crack? I know, he’s in­to that kinky down­town shit.

–14th St & 6th Ave

Over­heard by: bas­tar­do

Loud up­state girl: I think…doin’ any kin­da re­search in­ta fur­ries? You’re in trou­ble.

–Hud­son & Hous­ton

Over­heard by: Har­ri­et Vane

Hoochie: I mean, you gonna hand­cuff me, then hand­cuff me. But, you know, when I got­ta go do my shit, I got­ta go.

–1st St & 1st Ave

Over­heard by: ste­phie

Curly-haired girl on cell: I’ve to­tal­ly got a cold too! But I’ve al­so got bondage tape. And a cell phone ac­ti­vat­ed vi­bra­tor.

–Ouidad sa­lon

Over­heard by: Wild Dog Boy

Suit to an­oth­er, while hav­ing lunch on bench: You put duct tape on her mouth and you do it from be­hind.

–Cen­tral Park

Guy at ta­ble: You know, she’s a qual­i­ty girl, even when I was in hand­cuffs, I could tell that she was a qual­i­ty girl.

–Carnegie Deli

Over­heard by: Spazz

…And a Milk­shake, Please.

Woman in store: Let me get a ba­con and cheese on a roll.
Deli guy: Okay, ba­con egg and cheese on a roll.
Woman: No eggs! I have high cho­les­terol, I’m try­ing to stay away from that… Just ba­con and cheese on a roll, and put some may­on­naise on it. (mut­ters un­der her breath) Psh­hh, eggs, you tryin to kill me with high cho­les­terol.

–Lafayette Ave & Broad­way

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers, from the Red­wood For­est to the Gulf Stream Wa­ters

Very heavy ten-year-old boy, yelling ex­cit­ed­ly: I heard they have ba­con fla­vored pop­corn in Flori­da! I love the south!

–Flush­ing, Queens

Hip­ster girl on cell: The en­tire state of Mis­sis­sip­pi is­n’t a com­plete waste of space, even though it seems like it right now.

–At­lantic & Smith, Brook­lyn Heights

Wino, grab­bing can of beer: Here’s 15 cents. I’ll get the rest of it for you to­day. I promise! I’m from Geor­gia, I know how this shit works!

–Deli at 33rd & 7th

Over­heard by: EthanK

Loud girl to friend: Maria? Mari­a’s not dead, Mari­a’s in Vir­ginia?

–BxM10 Bus

Over­heard by: bx­girl

Girl to boyfriend: I mean, when some­one says they’re throw­ing an “Iowa State Fair”-themed wed­ding, you don’t think twice about go­ing!

–30th Ave, As­to­ria

Wednes­day Fun­bag-Lin­ers

Teenage girl: Ohmigod. Does­n’t she know that the “hav­ing big boobs” thing is, like, not in any­more?

–86th St

Over­heard by: Kevin

Girl to an­oth­er: It splashed on my boob… Then he slurped it off!

–Charles & 4th

Over­heard by: Er­ic

20-some­thing guy, singing: I wan­na touch some boobs. I wan­na touch some boobs. I wan­na touch some boobs. I wan­na find my moth­er­fuck­ing sock, ’cause I don’t know where it is. I wan­na touch some boobs…

–Pratt In­sti­tute

An­gry hobo to col­lege chick with big boobs zip­ping up her jack­et: Don’t put them tit­ties away!

–5th & 21st

El­der­ly woman to hus­band: I keep my busi­ness in my bo­som!

–Carnegie Deli