Archive for the ‘Disabilities’ Category

Mor­lock v. Eloi: The Pre­quel

A thugged out girl tests all of her ring tones as loud as pos­si­ble for a sol­id minute.

Prep­py girl: Are you se­ri­ous with that? Can you do every­one a fa­vor and stop?
Thug girl: I know you’re not talk­ing to me. You messed with the wrong girl.
Prep­py girl: I’m sor­ry, I can’t hear you. Your scream­ing phone made me deaf.
Thug girl: I’ll f her up. But then she’ll call the cops; her peo­ple love the cops. Go back to where you came from!
Prep­py girl: I’m try­ing to. That’s why I’m on the train, you stu­pid bitch. Look, you got a new cell phone and that’s great, but fig­ure it out at home.
Thug girl: I’ll f you up. You’re f‑ing with the wrong girl. Don’t be fooled by the pret­ty face.
Prep­py girl: Pret­ty face? Where?

–N train

Over­heard by: Mat­ty M.

I Won the Tri­fec­ta

Short man: So, my ther­a­pist told me to take off my clothes and look in­to the mir­ror.
Tall woman: Why?
Short man: To con­front my in­ner midget.
Tall woman: Your in­ner what?
Short man: Midget.
Tall woman: Don’t you think that’s po­ten­tial­ly of­fen­sive to midgets?
Short man: Why? Some peo­ple are para­noid, some are neu­rot­ic, some are short.

–Tea Lounge, 7th Ave & 10th St, Park Slope

Wednes­day One-lin­ers Are Koo Koo

Hobo: Was it right to be kicked out of a house for be­ing an adult with a child mind? You don’t get it, la­dy. There’s a whole house of adults with child minds. What­ev­er. See ya! Would­n’t want to be ya!

–F train

Queer: He to­tal­ly has to un­der­stand that he’s crazy and that those Martha Stew­art peo­ple are crazy too!

–27th street of­fice

Crazy la­dy: Well, I think you should give me my mu­si­cal in­stru­ments back be­cause I know that you’ve been steal­ing them every day for the last nine years. Yes, I’m sure! I have proof. You see, that’s not mu­sic. That’s not rock and roll. That’s just crazy.

–Bed­ford Av­enue sta­tion

Over­heard by: Greg Rut­ter

Crazy man: I al­ready told you I don’t have no chick­en. Be­sides, I gave you that tree last week.

–54th & 11th

Crazy woman: I’ve got demons be­hind me, shit next to me, and the ug­ly ones in front of me. I need an an­gel above me.

–World Fi­nan­cial Cen­ter

Over­heard by: Dr. Bal­lon

Crazy bag la­dy: Stay away from the peo­ple! Stay away from the id­iot Mex­i­cans!

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Kaitlen

Suit: …and I swear to God, man, the whole time? That creepy deaf-mute babysit­ter from across the hall?…is watch­ing me.

–46th & 8th

Over­heard by: ballpeen ham­mer

Crazy la­dy: I don’t be­lieve this. Pussyass son of a fuck­ing fag­got!

–Lex­ing­ton & 23rd

Hobo: Would some­one please tell Court­ney Love to get her god­damned dick out of my mouth? Thank you! Would some­one please tell Court­ney Love to get her god­damned dick out of my mouth? Thank you! Would some­one please tell Court­ney Love to get her god­damned dick out of my mouth? Thank you!

–19th be­tween 7th & 8th

I’d Give an Arm and a Leg for a Wednes­day One-Lin­er

Young so­ci­ety re­ject to same: You’re the psy­cho-freak out! You touch peo­ple’s ears at ran­dom!

–AMC The­atre at Lin­coln Cen­ter

Over­heard by: G‑Lime

A woman to friend: My friend just be­came a man­i­curist. She had her first client to­day and she on­ly has one hand.

–Forham Uni­ver­si­ty

Woman al­most for­get­ting her sun­glass­es: I would lose my ass if it was­n’t at­tached to my neck!

–A Train

Over­heard by: Don

Stu­dent: I think the guy sell­ing cell phones on the street made off with my uterus.

–Touro Col­lege of Os­teopathis, Harlem

Cowork­er to an­oth­er: You have thighs now. When you came here, you had no thighs.

–1250 Broad­way

Suit #1 to suit #2: He has the feet of a nine-year-old girl!

–44th & Lex­ing­ton