Archive for the ‘Dreams’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers En­joy Team Sports

20-some­thing guy on Black­Ber­ry: No, he’s not gay. I was in a five­some with him, but he’s not gay.

–L Train

Girl to gay friend af­ter walk­ing in­to gay bar: Dude, ei­ther find me a straight boy or two Asians that will let me watch.


Girl to guy friends: I mean, he’s okay he had the threesome–the guy was his best friend!

–8th St & 5th Ave

An­gry woman on phone: While you’re out hav­ing or­gies I am do­ing the re­al work!

–Vic­to­ri­an Flat­bush

Pre­ten­tious pro­fes­sor type in aca­d­e­m­ic tone: My ex had un­re­al­is­tic fan­tasies. She used to dream about be­ing fucked by God and Sa­tan and the same time. How could I live up to that?


Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Clean Every­thing Up Be­fore Their Par­ents Get Back

Black woman in trashy out­fit: And he said “But the par­ty just start­ed, bitch, I’ll take you in a few hours!” and I was like, “Nig­ga please! My wa­ter just broke!”

–Low­er East Side

Asian bim­bo on cell: I just spoke to Per­cy and al­leged­ly they threw a par­ty af­ter we were fired, to cel­e­brate us get­ting fired…but we’re peo­ple too.

–181 & St Nicholas

Over­heard by: must not have liked you

Hip­ster girl: My all-time dream is to be shot by the co­bra snake at a par­ty, with a cig in my hand and Paul* be­tween my thighs.

–NYU Dorm

Over­heard by: Dayn

Tat­tooed guy on iPhone: Yeah, I’m bring­ing a 250-foot Slip ‘N Slide!

–7th & 13th St

Over­heard by: can I come to that par­ty?

Loud man on cell: Yo, son! Why did­n’t you in­vite to your par­ty? Damn…c’mon! Re­mem­ber that time the chick in a wheel­chair was work­ing us in the cab? Yeah, she was in a wheel­chair! Re­mem­ber we got a cab for her and put her in the cab? That’s right–that was me! She was giv­ing us both head.

–BBQ Re­stroom, 8th Ave, Chelsea

20-some­thing woman: Wait…when is it a rule to give the host a hand­job?

–Mu­se­um of Nat­ur­al His­to­ry

Over­heard by: Jazz

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers for Stephen Col­bert

Suit on phone: The dream was strange…we are in a li­brary …I say some­thing like “it’s a li­a­bil­i­ty.” Then you said “your mom’s a li­a­bil­i­ty.” That was it…I don’t know.

–Gramer­cy Park

Over­heard by: PO­LA

Young suit to an­oth­er: The world is not your oys­ter!

–Bryant Park

Over­heard by: Amy

Suit to an­oth­er, as 30-some­thing woman in skirt and high heels pass­es by: Yowza! And that ends our case study!

–Madi­son Ave & 40th St

Over­heard by: Casey

Stressed fe­male suit: No one gives a fuck any­more. Every­one’s just gonna do what they want. And any fur­ther com­plaints can be di­rect­ed to my ass.

–Uni­ver­si­ty St b/w 8th & Wa­ver­ly

Mid­dle-aged Asian man in three-piece suit on cell: I mean, how can I live like Bond if I’m mar­ried?

–46th St & Madi­son Ave

Over­heard by: dr. no, i dont do

20-some­thing fe­male suit on cell: Ba­by, I would love to go to din­ner, but you have two op­tions: din­ner or sex. I on­ly have time for one.

–27th St & Park Ave

Sor­ry, Pal– One Of Your Ed­i­tors Mar­ried Her First

Com­e­dy show tick­et sell­er: Hey! You dropped your scarf!
(girl with scarf around her neck rolls eyes)
Com­e­dy show tick­et sell­er: Hey, you must live here!
Girl: Yeah, and I work in this fuck­ing area, and you tell me that every sin­gle night when all I want to do is go home. (looks at tourists lis­ten­ing) Just so you know, “free com­e­dy show” means two drink min­i­mum, and the so-called co­me­di­ans are just dumb ass­es who are not not fun­ny at all.
Com­e­dy show tick­et sell­er: Woah! Mar­ry me, please. I’m not try­ing to be fun­ny, you are fuck­ing amaz­ing!
Girl: Fuck you.
Com­e­dy show tick­et sell­er to tourists: I’m be­ing se­ri­ous, she’s the woman of my dreams!
Tourists: What?

–Times Square

When I Chain You to the Tread­mill Tonight, I’ll Be Do­ing It with Love

Mid­dle-aged woman on her cell: Where are you? Don’t get the piz­za, it’s too many calo­ries. Just get a sal­ad or some­thing. Well, I on­ly say that be­cause I had a night­mare last night where you got big. It was aw­ful. Oh, hon­ey, come on I love you, stop.
I’m just say­ing, if you had a dream that a build­ing was col­laps­ing and a guy was about to walk in­to it, would­n’t you say “stop”? Well, then we agree.

–Pax Whole­some Foods, 6th & 40th