Archive for the ‘Drinks’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Burp the Worm

Teen girl: If you want to lose weight, watch a lot of porn. I'm serious, if you watch porn, you won't have to eat for hours. Oh, and masturbating burns a lot of calories, too.

–Brooklyn

Very upset drunk hobo, after conductor announces last stop: Your kickin' all these people out to wait for the next train, just so you can jerk off?

–Bowling Green Station

Street dancer: Everyone on earth was born as a result of an orgasm. Everyone masturbates. And if they say they don't, they're lying. Even the Pope masturbates!

–Union Square

Irish dude, throwing tea to the ground: It's not right, man! Asshole masturbated in my tea!

–Outside Starbucks

Teen thug: I wanna pleasure myself while writing an essay, what's the problem with that?

–Q Train

Overheard by: Robert G.

Certainly, Mr. Hasselhoff

Customer: Um, excuse me, I ordered a root beer float, but you gave me a beer float.
Burger girl: Oh my god… I’m sorry.
Customer: I mean, I like your custard, and I like beer, but…
Random guy: Hey, can I have it?

–The Shake Shack

Overheard by: craig and cory

Thanks to the Hypnotic Rhythm Of Our Argument

Woman in line at Duane Reade: I drank your water, um, that bottle of bottled water?
Boyfriend: The one with the vodka in it?
Woman: Yeah, and it, um, tasted funny. I had to lie down.
Boyfriend: Are you going to apologize?
Woman: No.
Boyfriend: Are you going to apologize?
Woman: No.
Boyfriend: Are you going to apologize?
Woman: No. You should have come to bed.
Boyfriend: I did. You were asleep.

–59th St & 10th Ave

Overheard by: Tanker

Drink Up, Wednesday One-Liners!

Man singing "My Girl": White girl — talking ’bout whiiite girl! Yeah, you! If I could, I would take you home right now and give you some Kool-Aid!

–2 train

Old guy playing chess: I can’t drink orange juice anymore. It makes my eyes sweat.

–Bleecker & Thompson

Overheard by: fancypants

Woman on cell: Just drink cranberry juice. It cures everything.

–Starbucks, Astor Pl

Overheard by: Brian

Man on cell: I don’t think somebody would put poison in milk…

–Union Square

Overheard by: SixthFloorGirls

Woman on cell: My cabbie just handed me a can of Coors. What the fuck?

–Harlem

Overheard by: Ladle

Outraged eight-year old boy: They didn’t have any fucking chocolate milk! I was so pissed off!

–76th & West End

Overheard by: Harriet Vane