Archive for the ‘Drinks’ Category

Antarc­ti­ca Does­n’t Look a Day Over a Bil­lion

Girl #1, hold­ing bot­tle of wa­ter: Do you think this wa­ter is bad?
Girl #2: How long have you had it for?
Girl #1: I don’t know, I found it in my freez­er.
Girl #2: No, it’s prob­a­bly good, freez­ing things keep them fresh.

–9th St & Ave A

Head­line by: Nick Pol­lot­ta

Run­ners-Up:
· “.… Ac­cord­ing to the Jef­frey Dah­mer Cook­book” — the amoe­ba
· “As I Learned at Grave-Dig­ging Camp” — Muse on the Loose
· “But Just to Be Safe, I Would Boil It” — Max Mil­lion
· “Every Night I Put My Pussy on Ice” — Dick­inthe­Han­dis­WorthT­woBush­es
· “Just Ask Walt Dis­ney’s Head” — Pe­terG
· “Just Look What It Does for Nip­ples!” — Nick Pol­lot­ta
· “Wa­ter, Sperm, Hu­man Hearts…” — loves fresh sperm, per­son­al­ly

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

But How Will You Put Me to Sleep?

Six-year-old boy push­ing shop­ping cart: Dad­dy, look! Beer!
Dad: Yes, that’s beer.
Six-year-old boy: We have to get some beer.
Dad: No, we’re not get­ting any beer to­day.
Six-year-old boy, bummed: Okay, we won’t get any beer to­day.

–Grist­edes Su­per­mar­ket, 40th & 2nd

And the Forty?

TSA em­ploy­ee to peo­ple in line: All liq­uids and gels are pro­hib­it­ed be­yond this point. Dis­pose of them now.
Four-year-old boy to fa­ther: Aw, man! Does that mean I have to get rid of my pimp juice?

–La­Guardia

Why Tho­razine Is Con­traindi­cat­ed for Ser­vice Em­ploy­ees

Yan­kee fan: Yeah, I’ll have a grilled chick­en sand­wich and a vanil­la iced cof­fee.
Ap­a­thet­ic cashier: Crispy chick­en sand­wich?
Yan­kee fan: No, grilled, sor­ry about that–I thought I said grilled.
Ap­a­thet­ic cashier: And you want­ed a Di­et Coke?
Yan­kee fan: No, a vanil­la iced cof­fee.
Cashier: Oh.

–Mc­Don­ald’s, Yan­kee Sta­di­um

Over­heard by: Rachel W.

And Now He’s Got My Vote

Girl #1: So how did you meet him?
Girl #2: He just came up to me on the street and asked me my name… Then he asked me if I want­ed to get a drink, so I took him to the bar every­one was at.
Girl #1: Then what hap­pened?
Girl #2: Then we fucked.
Girl #1: What? Just like that?
Girl #2: Yeah, I can hard­ly re­mem­ber, but we left the bar, grabbed a cab, went to my dorm and then we fucked.

–CVS, 9th & 58th

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Burp the Worm

Teen girl: If you want to lose weight, watch a lot of porn. I’m se­ri­ous, if you watch porn, you won’t have to eat for hours. Oh, and mas­tur­bat­ing burns a lot of calo­ries, too.

–Brook­lyn

Very up­set drunk hobo, af­ter con­duc­tor an­nounces last stop: Your kickin’ all these peo­ple out to wait for the next train, just so you can jerk off?

–Bowl­ing Green Sta­tion

Street dancer: Every­one on earth was born as a re­sult of an or­gasm. Every­one mas­tur­bates. And if they say they don’t, they’re ly­ing. Even the Pope mas­tur­bates!

–Union Square

Irish dude, throw­ing tea to the ground: It’s not right, man! Ass­hole mas­tur­bat­ed in my tea!

–Out­side Star­bucks

Teen thug: I wan­na plea­sure my­self while writ­ing an es­say, what’s the prob­lem with that?

–Q Train

Over­heard by: Robert G.

He Thinks Out­side the Box, and That’s What I Love About Him

Ditzy run­ner #1: So I was like “did you use your juicer?” and he was like “yeah, but it went bad” and I was like “how did it go bad?” and he was like “well, I juiced a pota­to!“
Ditzy run­ner #2: A pota­to?
Ditzy run­ner #1, pleased with her sto­ry: a pota­to.

–Cen­tral Park, Dur­ing JP Mor­gan Chase 5K Run

Cer­tain­ly, Mr. Has­sel­hoff

Cus­tomer: Um, ex­cuse me, I or­dered a root beer float, but you gave me a beer float.
Burg­er girl: Oh my god… I’m sor­ry.
Cus­tomer: I mean, I like your cus­tard, and I like beer, but…
Ran­dom guy: Hey, can I have it?

–The Shake Shack

Over­heard by: craig and cory