Archive for the ‘Drinks’ Category

Antarctica Doesn’t Look a Day Over a Billion

Girl #1, holding bottle of water: Do you think this water is bad?
Girl #2: How long have you had it for?
Girl #1: I don’t know, I found it in my freezer.
Girl #2: No, it’s probably good, freezing things keep them fresh.

–9th St & Ave A

Headline by: Nick Pollotta

Runners-Up:
· “.… According to the Jeffrey Dahmer Cookbook” — the amoeba
· “As I Learned at Grave-Digging Camp” — Muse on the Loose
· “But Just to Be Safe, I Would Boil It” — Max Million
· “Every Night I Put My Pussy on Ice” — DickintheHandisWorthTwoBushes
· “Just Ask Walt Disney’s Head” — PeterG
· “Just Look What It Does for Nipples!” — Nick Pollotta
· “Water, Sperm, Human Hearts…” — loves fresh sperm, personally

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

And the Forty?

TSA employee to people in line: All liquids and gels are prohibited beyond this point. Dispose of them now.
Four-year-old boy to father: Aw, man! Does that mean I have to get rid of my pimp juice?

–LaGuardia

Why Thorazine Is Contraindicated for Service Employees

Yankee fan: Yeah, I’ll have a grilled chicken sandwich and a vanilla iced coffee.
Apathetic cashier: Crispy chicken sandwich?
Yankee fan: No, grilled, sorry about that–I thought I said grilled.
Apathetic cashier: And you wanted a Diet Coke?
Yankee fan: No, a vanilla iced coffee.
Cashier: Oh.

–McDonald’s, Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: Rachel W.

And Now He’s Got My Vote

Girl #1: So how did you meet him?
Girl #2: He just came up to me on the street and asked me my name… Then he asked me if I wanted to get a drink, so I took him to the bar everyone was at.
Girl #1: Then what happened?
Girl #2: Then we fucked.
Girl #1: What? Just like that?
Girl #2: Yeah, I can hardly remember, but we left the bar, grabbed a cab, went to my dorm and then we fucked.

–CVS, 9th & 58th

Wednesday One-Liners Burp the Worm

Teen girl: If you want to lose weight, watch a lot of porn. I’m serious, if you watch porn, you won’t have to eat for hours. Oh, and masturbating burns a lot of calories, too.

–Brooklyn

Very upset drunk hobo, after conductor announces last stop: Your kickin’ all these people out to wait for the next train, just so you can jerk off?

–Bowling Green Station

Street dancer: Everyone on earth was born as a result of an orgasm. Everyone masturbates. And if they say they don’t, they’re lying. Even the Pope masturbates!

–Union Square

Irish dude, throwing tea to the ground: It’s not right, man! Asshole masturbated in my tea!

–Outside Starbucks

Teen thug: I wanna pleasure myself while writing an essay, what’s the problem with that?

–Q Train

Overheard by: Robert G.

Certainly, Mr. Hasselhoff

Customer: Um, excuse me, I ordered a root beer float, but you gave me a beer float.
Burger girl: Oh my god… I’m sorry.
Customer: I mean, I like your custard, and I like beer, but…
Random guy: Hey, can I have it?

–The Shake Shack

Overheard by: craig and cory