Archive for the ‘Drugs’ Category

Whose Life Is It If You’re Not There for It? Discuss.

Well-dressed 20-something woman: So yeah, I keep having sex with all these beautiful women, and then I have no memory of it whatsoever…
Well-dressed 20-something man: You’re so lucky. I was roofied once, but my friends were with me the whole time. When I went to the doctor and got blood tests and they found Rohypnol in my system, I was like “and I didn’t even fucking get laid?” (pause) That was literally my first reaction.

–Bowery & Prince

Overheard by: Sealed Beverage Drinker

Wednesday One-liners Want Sexual Healing

Hipster on cell: You make me so horny I want to split a tab of xstacy and shove it up your ass.

–11th & 2nd

Guy trying to whisper to girlfriend in line: Do not make me freak you this early in the morning.

–Post office, Park Slope

Chick on cell: …so not only am I self-medicating through random sexual encounters…

–In front of Barnes & Noble , Union Square

Overheard by: Carol

Chick to friends: He was like, “Say you love me. Say my name. Say, ‘I love you John*!’ And I was like, “Can we just concentrate on the task at hand, here?”

–Lafayette & Bond

Overheard by: jayloo

Just Like Les Mis!

40-something hyperactive preppy/golfer tourist: Hey! How’s it going?! Where are you from?
40-something regular guy: Seattle. You?
40-something hyperactive preppy/golfer tourist: Newport Beach, California! What are you off to do?
40-something regular guy: Dinner and some drinks with friends. You?
40-something hyperactive preppy/golfer tourist: Me and a buddy are going to take mushrooms and go see Young Frankenstein for the third time! It’s hilarious when you’re high!

–Elevator, Sheraton Hotel

The New-Car Smell Of Wednesday One-Liners

Old Jewish lady to moron who parked in the walkway: Move your vehicle! Citizen’s arrest! Get the fuck out of my way!

–Brooklyn

Cop over squad car loudspeaker, to a cab driver: You’ve got to be kidding! Pull over your car now.

–74th St & Park Ave

Guy on cell: Driving? No, we shouldn’t take cars. Because people are gonna be drinkin’ and poppin’ pills and I want everyone to be safe!

–Union Square

Overheard by: rpk

Professor: So how many of you drive pick-up trucks?… Oh wait we’re in New York City, don’t see many pick-up trucks here… And why is that? Well of course it’s because you’d park your car one night and the next morning a small family of three will have a tent pitched in the back. Now there’s an awkward conversation… “Uhm excuse me, good morning but I kiiiind of need to drive to work so if you could unpitch the tent… That’d be excellent.”

–St. John’s University, Queens

NYU girl on cell: No! I told you I wanted four doors! OK, love you, bye. (hangs up phone) Seriously, I told my dad I have too many friends for a two door, but that’s all he’s looking at! It’s like he’s not even buying the car for me. He’s so selfish!

–Classroom, NYU

Overheard by: Angie

Older woman on line at the Guggenheim to young British male who has been talking with a friend: “I programmed my car to sound just like you!”

–89th St & 5th Ave

You’re Invited to My Circle Jerk

30-something #1: What are you doing for Valentine’s Day?
30-something #2: Getting high and masturbating.
30-something #1: Man, married life is great.

–Palladium Gym, NYU

Headline by: Pseudonym

Runners-Up:

· “Because she’s out shopping for a vibrator” — trish

· “He celebrates Palm Sunday the same way” — Kate

· “He’s An Up & Comer” — Rod W

· “Little Johnny took the comeback “If you love it so much, why don’t you marry it?” a little too seriously.” — Cloud

· “When Harry Met Righty” — Vasyl


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday One-Liners Leave Track Marks

Former Broadway ingenue: He injects silicone into his penis and testicles. He has for years.

–A‑list Broadway party

Overheard by: kgrahams

Wannabe policy maker: They should have umbrella exchange centers. You know, like needle exchanges.

–Washington Square South

Overheard by: Lacey

Dad: You want to get arrested? Brian, put those syringes down. If you want to get high, go outside and find some mothafucka on the street.

–Emergency room, Beth Israel

Overheard by: Coughing in the Ghetto Israel

Ditz: I love hepatitis shots!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Salmon Slap

Hipster chick on cell: Yeah, you should probably get a rabies shot for that… And a pap smear.

–Washington Square Park