Archive for the ‘Drunks’ Category

You Can’t Live in the City If You Can’t Screen out Distractions

Guy: So, where were you this evening?
Sober girl #1: I was in Little Italy.
Drunk guy: Shoes! Go on YouTube and search for ‘shoes’!
Sober girl #1: Oh my god! I’ve seen that video! ‘These shoes cost…‘
Drunk guy and sober girl #2: ‘Three hundred dollars’!
Drunk girl: You two are hot. You should fuck her in the ass.
Guy: So, where were you this evening?
Sober girl #1: I was in Little Italy.

–4th Ave & 11th St

Wednesday One-Liners Are Another Year Older but None the Wiser

20-something: I didn’t even realize it was my birthday until I checked Facebook!

–Upper West Side

Overheard by: mtrainetiquette

Girl to friend: We should celebrate tonight–it’s my half birthday in 10 days.

–Crocodile Lounge, E 14th St

Tourist: See nobody is wearing birthday scars…

–34th St & 5th Ave

Guy to girl: Wait, did you really believe I was going to get you a Hello Kitty vibrator for your birthday?

–45th & 8th

Drunk girl to hobo: It’s my birthday! You should be giving *me* money!

–111 & Broadway

Are Wednesday One-Liners Funny Ha-Ha, or Funny-Peculiar?

Guy eating pancakes: Everything’s funny in retrospect, like the time I got that screwdriver stuck in my eye.

–IHOP, Brooklyn

Ancient Greek civilization professor: A sexual act, in some sense, for an observer is funny.

–Hunter College

Crazy lady: All the prostitutes need to be rounded up and stuck in churches! (teen girl laughs) You think that’s funny? It’s not gonna be funny when you are in a hospital addicted to crack!

–Water St & Broad St

Girl to her friend: Wouldn’t it be funny if human beings could only walk forward and backwards?

–8th St & 2nd Ave

Lady sitting with girlfriends: It’s funny because I’m pregnant, and he doesn’t know.

–Starbucks

Drunken Jets fan to friends in Jets jerseys: That’s not funny. You want to see something funny? (grabs wooden signpost, slams forehead into it) That’s funny!

–W 4th & Barrow

Overheard by: jira monkey

Wednesday One-liners are Out in the Streets

Hobo: Shit, I’m jus’ tryin’ ta get me some pussy and a beef sandwich.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Jason K 

Old bag lady: I’m looking for some change, some food, or a sexual partner.

–Lafayette & Great Jones

Hobo: I have something to say! I fucked your daughter! And she liked it! And she was tight!

–W. 4th & University

Overheard by: Snezhana Valdman 

Hobo: Too many Police investigations stopping you from reaching your destination? I may be homeless, but I got a brain. It may not be a big brain, but it’s usingable!

–Staten Island ferry

Overheard by: Joel Guilbert 

Hobo: Well, since you won’t give me money, one more thing. Has your sister or girlfriend, I don’t know who she is, ever told you that bag does not go with that coat? 

–45th & 9th

Overheard by: Paul Schellenberg 

Drunk hobo: Hey girl! You look like Aretha Franlin! R‑E-S-E-C-P‑T! R‑E-S-E-C-P‑T! Give me some respect! 

–Union Square

Overheard by: Evan

Hobo: It’s 90 degrees out. Why are we wearing clothes? That’s mental illness.

–Rockefeller Center station