Drunk Jets fan #1: If I was a bird or a bat, I'd live in a stadium.
Drunk Jets fan #2: Well, yeah, otherwise you're just stupid.
–PATH
Archive for the ‘Drunks’ Category
Can I Interest You in Some Sausage?
Drunk girl to random sober guy: Bacon! My hands are like bacon!
Sober guy: What are you, drunk?
Drunk girl: Just very, very, very hungry.
Sober guy: Proceed.
–NYU
But That Gear Shaft Totally Consented
Drunk middle-aged woman #1: Yeah, but I don't think…
Drunk middle-aged woman #2: The cops in the state of New Jersey all have computers in their cars. They pulled him over, and he wasn't even doing anything!
Drunk middle-aged man #1: Well, what did they say to you?
Drunk middle-aged man #2: They said I was driving erotically.
–NJ Transit
You Should See Where She Keeps Her Cell Phone
Drunk girl #1: Yo, I have coke in my boob.
Drunk girl #2: Yeah, right, you so don’t. [Drunk girl #1 shows boob] Holy shit, you do!
–Brooklyn-bound 2 train
Overheard by: horny
You Make a Persuasive Case
Chick to friends: Where should we go for my birthday drinks?
Drunk chick, passing by: I want to go to your birthday drinks!
Chick: Um, I don't know you.
Drunk chick: But you wanna know me! (proceeds to vomit)
–42nd St & 10th Ave
It’s Even Funnier When You Realize It’s Nine A.M.
Drunk Irish woman: What time is it?
Drunk Irish man: Nine o’clock.
Drunk Irish woman: It’s early! The bars are open until four here. We still have [pauses to count on her fingers] seven hours!
–uptown 1 train
Overheard by: Cat
Under the Influence of Wednesday One-Liners
Drunk Santa to drunk female Santa: I didn’t know what to do! I don’t know anything about kids!
–Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: James
Tipsy LI teen to friend buying LIRR ticket: Is the machine gonna give you a bunch of Sacajaweas? … Dude… Sack-a-ja-wee-wee! She’s gonna be all up in your piece!
–LIRR
Overheard by: pri
Drunk girl sobbing to another: You’re my opposite! You’re my everything!
–Sala One Nine
Overheard by: And I’m in the fifth dimension…
Drunk man: My penis can touch my asshole!
–12th & 3rd
Drunk girl: You know what would be really weird and sort of pointless? A life-size map.
–12th & 2nd
Drunk white guy to passerby: He act like is my fault that I’m drunk.
–39th & 8th
Overheard by: How odd is that
Take Me Out to the Hallucination-of-a-Ballgame…
Vendor: Crackerjacks! Crackerjacks!
Very drunk woman: Crackerjacks?! What about LSD??
–Keyspan Park, Coney Island
Overheard by: Jamie
The Coolest Part Is, She Can Make It Smile.
Drunk girl on corner, to friend coming out of McDonald's: Did you go pee?
Drunk girl coming out of McDonald's: Yep.
Drunk girl on corner: Vagina happy?
Drunk girl coming out of McDonald's: Vagina happy!
–Fulton St. & Gold St.
Overheard by: the fundamental question
Which, If I'm Not Mistaken, Makes Us Relatives.
Drunk white woman: Congratulations on making history!
Sober black man: Um…what?
Drunk white woman: Yeah! I voted for Obama too!
–Bay Ridge, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Julzz