Archive for the ‘Drunks’ Category

Wednes­day One-lin­ers are Out in the Streets

Hobo: Shit, I’m jus’ tryin’ ta get me some pussy and a beef sand­wich.

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Ja­son K

Old bag la­dy: I’m look­ing for some change, some food, or a sex­u­al part­ner.

–Lafayette & Great Jones

Hobo: I have some­thing to say! I fucked your daugh­ter! And she liked it! And she was tight!

–W. 4th & Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Snezhana Vald­man

Hobo: Too many Po­lice in­ves­ti­ga­tions stop­ping you from reach­ing your des­ti­na­tion? I may be home­less, but I got a brain. It may not be a big brain, but it’s usingable!

–Stat­en Is­land fer­ry

Over­heard by: Joel Guil­bert

Hobo: Well, since you won’t give me mon­ey, one more thing. Has your sis­ter or girl­friend, I don’t know who she is, ever told you that bag does not go with that coat?

–45th & 9th

Over­heard by: Paul Schel­len­berg

Drunk hobo: Hey girl! You look like Aretha Fran­lin! R‑E-S-E-C-P‑T! R‑E-S-E-C-P‑T! Give me some re­spect!

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Evan

Hobo: It’s 90 de­grees out. Why are we wear­ing clothes? That’s men­tal ill­ness.

–Rock­e­feller Cen­ter sta­tion

She Does­n’t See Sex­u­al As­sault as a Cel­e­bra­tion, Like We Do

Drunk, creepy guy #1: She’s al­ways telling us about our flaws, and why she won’t get with us, but she won’t lis­ten to us tell her about her flaws!
Drunk, creepy guy #2, burn­ing his hand with a lighter: Yeah, she prob­a­bly acts the way she does be­cause she was raped, but she’s like “I don’t want to talk about it!”

–1 train

Much Like the Con­tin­ued Pop­u­lar­i­ty of Walk­er: Texas Ranger

Drunk guy to laugh­ing Asian: There is no the­o­ry of evolution–only a list of an­i­mals Chuck Nor­ris al­lows to live.
Girl­friend: Babe, no more Chuck Nor­ris, please!
Drunk guy: But Chuck Nor…
Girl­friend: No, give me one good rea­son you should talk about Chuck Nor­ris.
Drunk guy (with­out hes­i­ta­tion): Cause god want­ed 10 days to cre­ate the world, and Chuck Nor­ris on­ly gave him 6, do you want an 8‑day work week? Huh?
Girl­friend to friend: How did I just lose this ar­gu­ment?
Friend: Yeah, that was un­ex­pect­ed.

–Zanz­ibar Bar

Over­heard by: Wish i was chuck nor­ris

Wednes­day, with a One-Lin­er Chas­er

Fe­male day-drink­ing tourist: Oh shit, I left my vod­ka in the church!

–Out­side Trin­i­ty Church

Man on cell: If it’s pos­si­ble to fer­ment it, we have fer­ment­ed it.

–7th St b/w 2nd & 3rd Ave

Mid­dle-aged man to younger man: You know how cats and dogs–they eat and then they go? In one end and out the oth­er. I’m like that. My blad­der has room for the equiv­a­lent of one good cock­tail.

–10th Ave and W 50th St

Over­heard by: Ah.…middle age

Com­muter at 8 am: Beer. Beer.

–Grand Cen­tral

Over­heard by: ba­con­ista

Old drunk walk­ing in­to a liquor store, to clerk: Have you got my pre­scrip­tion?

–Broad­way & 106th St

Over­heard by: rick­bruner

Sad­ly, the G Train Com­mu­ni­ty Nev­er Ful­ly Ac­cept­ed Him Again

Ham­mered 20-year-old, scream­ing: Yo, I fucked my boss! Yo, I fucked my boss! You ever fuck your boss? [Points to friend] He had to fuck some fat chick and I got my dick sucked all night by my boss! Yo, and she’s, like, 30. [Starts hump­ing pole] She was like, ‘Uh­hh, Jim*, give it to me! Fuck me hard­er!’

He falls on the floor, rolling around with more man­ic laugh­ter.

Friend: Yo, shut up. I got­ta take this train when I’m sober.

–G train

Over­heard by: Please don’t look

The Au Jus Of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

11 year-old boy throw­ing wa­ter bal­loon back and forth: It’s like a hy­men, per­fect­ly in­tact af­ter a mi­nor rape! (bal­loon is thrown to him and bursts all over him) Oh, sweet hy­men juices!

–Tomp­kins Square Park

Eight-year-old boy to an­oth­er: God, just drink your spit!

–90th St & 2nd Ave

Drunk hobo with hand-down pants: I’m not go­ing to ejac­u­late! (re­peats it over and over)

–D Train

Over­heard by: seat chang­er

Blind woman to blind friend: Sweaty peo­ple suck.

–W 23rd Street

Over­heard by: Cool and Dry

Lit­tle girl: I don’t like boys! They’re mean and they sweat a lot!

–2nd & Ave A

Young girl to boy: Ewwww, I’m drip­ping cum!

–Hes­ter & Allen

Over­heard by: low­er east side