Archive for the ‘Drunks’ Category

… If You Know What I Mean

Drunk NYU queer: Do you live in Rubin?
NYU girl: Yes.
Drunk NYU queer: On the 14th floor?
NYU girl: No, on the 11th floor.
Drunk NYU queer: The guy I’ve been dating is the RA on the 14th floor. Do you live on the 14th floor?
NYU girl: No, I live on the 11th floor, honey.
Drunk NYU queer: The guy I’ve been dating is the RA on the 14th floor. He is. His name is Dan. We ate apples together.

–A train

Overheard by: Leslie G.

Good Luck Explaining This to the E.R. Doc, Wednesday One-Liner

Ghetto lady on phone waiting for bus: Ugh. I'm exhausted. I don't have the energy to stick my hands up your ass.

–Hunts Point

Dude on cell: I think he's the same guy who stuck the jar up his ass. (pause) Well, because the camera angle was the same, and the scar…

–108th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Drunk gay man speaking to straight couple: So I'm at the wedding talking to my future cousin-in-law about how it's not gay if he likes things in his ass, and he said that's not his problem, his problem is asking her to cut her fingernails.

–26th b/w 9th & 10th

Female suit on cell: There was something going into that butt, did I not mention that?

–10th & Hudson

Dirty, Sexy Wednesday One-Liners

Young gay guy in Daisy Dukes, shades and tank top, yammering away on cell: Is it totally acceptable to have sex on the beach there?

–43rd St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Anna Rose

Teen boy to friend: If I were a giant I'd fuck the Statue of Liberty!

–Houston & Broadway

Overheard by: Henry

Chick to friend: As soon as I get over this yeast infection, I'm gonna bang the shit out of him.

–McDonald's, Times Square

Overheard by: Keep It Movin'

Black guy on cell: Penetration?! Penetration?! It ain't about penetration, it's all about sensation.

–E 4th St

Overheard by: girl named sugar

Drunk man to drunk woman, while making out against a car: Let's just go with it…let's just fuck on top of the car.

–Bleecker & Macdougal

Girl to the guy at the next table: Haven't I slept with you before?

–Stabrucks, 78th & Lexington

Overheard by: Ashlee

I’m Thankful I’m Alive

An unofficial memorial is covered with flowers, candles, cards and candy.

Drunk girl #1: Hey, who wants a Blow Pop?
Drunk guy: Um…I dunno.
Drunk girl #2: Don’t. It’s bad luck to take candy from the dead.
Drunk girl #1: …Yeah, I guess you’re right.

–3rd between A & B

Overheard by: The Vouk

Girl: Don’t die while I’m gone, okay?
Guy: Why not?

–66th & Columbus

Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Understand the Caucus System

Bleach-blonde: I would totally vote for McCain if Miley Cyrus were his running mate.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Democrat

Woman: Oh, I am definitely a single-issue voter. And right now, that issue is: Which one of the candidates can get me to a bathroom soonest?

–7th Avenue, Park Slope

Overheard by: Chuckell

Drunk hobo to a group of pigeons: And they’re all Democrats. Can’t trust them Democrats.

–Washington Square Park

Young African American woman speaking animatedly on cell: … Vice president? Why should I run for Vice President, I’m doing better than you, bitch! "Dream ticket!" That’s why I hate white liberals. They don’t know when they’re fucked up. Republicans don’t give a shit about you, but they know it.

–124th St, Harlem

Drunk wheelbo, shouting across the entire ferry terminal: Hillary, Hillary, she’s our man! If she can’t do it, no one can!

–Whitehall Ferry Terminal

Lady on cell: When you done turn Governor, you can’t play dat shit…

–Associated Supermarket, Myrtle Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: PdQ

I Went to NYC and All I Got Was This Rash

Drunk tourist flirt: It was verrry nice meeting you all, and I hope to see you all again real soon! [Shakes hands with local teens, then leaves.]Local teen, to friends: Yo, she wanna fuck e’rybody!

–4 train

Overheard by: Not Me

Headline by: VeggieGirl

Runners-Up:
· “As If We Need to Import That or Something” – gib
· “I Went to NY and All I Got Was Bukkake” – Ken H.
· “Reader Survey: Britney, Paris, or Lindsey? Vote Now!” – Fleetline
· “She Ran Out Of Folks to Fuck Back in Iowa.” – Redneck Jedi
· “Southern Hospitality Is the Shizzle” – The Heiress

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

The Island of Dr. Wednesday One-Liners

Man on cell: Was there a lot of bleeding? [unintelligible reply] Well, was it four sheep or five? [reply] We have to find a way to separate the cows from the sheep.

–Elevator, 56th & 8th

Drunk girl, yelling: All I want is a llama! Another cocktail and a llama!

–Terminal 5

Dude: So you’re enjoying acting, LA, monogamy, horses?

–Cafe Esperanto

Chick to friend: I don’t care how well you clean it, I am not doing shots out of that alligator!

–TriBeCa

Overheard by: lalala

Swanky pin-stripe suit on cellphone: The little shit will definitely get approved. He’s as healthy as a French gay ox.

–51st & 3rd

Overheard by: IG

Young black dude: You know the movie The Lion King? Yeah The Lion King! …You know, the one with all the tigers.

–4 Train

Overheard by: BQM lady

Man: Manatees are the most peaceful creatures in the world… They get hit by motor boats!

–Astor Place

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