Archive for the ‘Drunks’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Understand the Caucus System

Bleach-blonde: I would totally vote for McCain if Miley Cyrus were his running mate.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Democrat

Woman: Oh, I am definitely a single-issue voter. And right now, that issue is: Which one of the candidates can get me to a bathroom soonest?

–7th Avenue, Park Slope

Overheard by: Chuckell

Drunk hobo to a group of pigeons: And they’re all Democrats. Can’t trust them Democrats.

–Washington Square Park

Young African American woman speaking animatedly on cell: … Vice president? Why should I run for Vice President, I’m doing better than you, bitch! "Dream ticket!" That’s why I hate white liberals. They don’t know when they’re fucked up. Republicans don’t give a shit about you, but they know it.

–124th St, Harlem

Drunk wheelbo, shouting across the entire ferry terminal: Hillary, Hillary, she’s our man! If she can’t do it, no one can!

–Whitehall Ferry Terminal

Lady on cell: When you done turn Governor, you can’t play dat shit…

–Associated Supermarket, Myrtle Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: PdQ

I Went to NYC and All I Got Was This Rash

Drunk tourist flirt: It was verrry nice meeting you all, and I hope to see you all again real soon! [Shakes hands with local teens, then leaves.]Local teen, to friends: Yo, she wanna fuck e’rybody!

–4 train

Overheard by: Not Me

Headline by: VeggieGirl

Runners-Up:
· “As If We Need to Import That or Something” – gib
· “I Went to NY and All I Got Was Bukkake” – Ken H.
· “Reader Survey: Britney, Paris, or Lindsey? Vote Now!” – Fleetline
· “She Ran Out Of Folks to Fuck Back in Iowa.” – Redneck Jedi
· “Southern Hospitality Is the Shizzle” – The Heiress

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

The Island of Dr. Wednesday One-Liners

Man on cell: Was there a lot of bleeding? [unintelligible reply] Well, was it four sheep or five? [reply] We have to find a way to separate the cows from the sheep.

–Elevator, 56th & 8th

Drunk girl, yelling: All I want is a llama! Another cocktail and a llama!

–Terminal 5

Dude: So you’re enjoying acting, LA, monogamy, horses?

–Cafe Esperanto

Chick to friend: I don’t care how well you clean it, I am not doing shots out of that alligator!

–TriBeCa

Overheard by: lalala

Swanky pin-stripe suit on cellphone: The little shit will definitely get approved. He’s as healthy as a French gay ox.

–51st & 3rd

Overheard by: IG

Young black dude: You know the movie The Lion King? Yeah The Lion King! …You know, the one with all the tigers.

–4 Train

Overheard by: BQM lady

Man: Manatees are the most peaceful creatures in the world… They get hit by motor boats!

–Astor Place

Wednesday One-Liners, from the Redwood Forest to the Gulf Stream Waters

Very heavy ten-year-old boy, yelling excitedly: I heard they have bacon flavored popcorn in Florida! I love the south!

–Flushing, Queens

Hipster girl on cell: The entire state of Mississippi isn't a complete waste of space, even though it seems like it right now.

–Atlantic & Smith, Brooklyn Heights

Wino, grabbing can of beer: Here's 15 cents. I'll get the rest of it for you today. I promise! I'm from Georgia, I know how this shit works!

–Deli at 33rd & 7th

Overheard by: EthanK

Loud girl to friend: Maria? Maria's not dead, Maria's in Virginia?

–BxM10 Bus

Overheard by: bxgirl

Girl to boyfriend: I mean, when someone says they're throwing an "Iowa State Fair"-themed wedding, you don't think twice about going!

–30th Ave, Astoria

Would You Like Me to Hit You in the Face?

Drunk girl: So, how have you been doing lately?
Jewish guy: Oh, fine, I guess. I’m just — ugh — like, so sick of having to play the part of the Jewish fucking intellectual who likes to go see plays. I hate fucking seeing plays. I would rather get hit in the face than go see a play. I’m sick of having to lie to my Jewish friends when they ask me, ‘Oh, have you seen that new play?’ And I have to say, ‘No, but I want to go see it!’ I don’t want to go see the fucking play!
Drunk girl: Hmmm… Yeah, that is rough.

–E 3rd & 2nd

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