Archive for the ‘Duane Reade’ Category

“Don’t Hate Me Be­cause I’m Wednes­day One-Lin­er”

Hobo to fe­male passer­by (singing): Pret­ty woman, walk­ing down the street/Pretty woman, eat­ing a ham­burg­er…

–Wendy’s, Union Square

Over­heard by: Hun­gry By­stander

Sales­girl to an­oth­er: You look pret­ty today…for a lit­tle Fil­ipino girl.

–Amer­i­can Ea­gle, So­Ho

Over­heard by: Hol­ly

Loud hobo walk­ing through crowd­ed train: Lots of beau­ti­ful ladies on this train. Beau­ti­ful white ladies. Beau­ti­ful black ladies. I like her hat. (turns to one shy-look­ing girl) Do you wear make­up? You should­n’t. You don’t need it, you are so beau­ti­ful. If you have any make­up, just throw it away. Or send it to my girl, cuz she is ug­ly.

–Down­town 4 Train

50-some­thing woman to pret­ty 20-some­thing girl: I just want­ed you to know that our hus­bands over there think you are one of the most beau­ti­ful girls they have ever seen. So now our hus­bands are go­ing to have sex with my friend and I tonight. They may be think­ing of you dur­ing, but thanks to you I am go­ing to have an or­gasm tonight, so thank you for be­ing so gor­geous.

–Boat Basin Cafe

Over­heard by: Megan W.

Guy on iPhone: You think be­cause you’re pret­ty you can get away with that shit. Well, you’re wrong! You can get away with that shit be­cause you’re rich!

–Du­ane Reade, Colum­bus Ave

Over­heard by: Veron­i­ca at

Wher­ev­er Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Go, There They Are

Man on cell: I’m at the bad Du­ane Reade right now… Yeah, the one on 14th street…I know that’s the good one, but it’s in dan­ger zone.

–Du­ane Reade, 14th & 3rd

Over­heard by: not in dan­ger zone

Girl on cell: I’m in like the Mid­dle East some­where… Where are you?

–56th & 7th Ave

Over­heard by: dnuggets

Hip­ster on cell: No, I swear to god I am not in Mon­tre­al!

–Out­side Al­li­ga­tor Lounge, Williams­burg

Over­heard by: miles

La­dy yelling in­to pay phone, by plat­form: I’m in Yonkers! I’m right by the train!

–W 242 & Broad­way, Bronx

Over­heard by: Kriszti­na

Har­ried guy in suit on his cell: Yeah well, I’m at the Port Authority…I hear this is where the bus­es leave from.

–Port Au­thor­i­ty

Over­heard by: Jo­Bell

Scream­ing man on pay phone: Yo ‑I told yo ass to meet me on 33rd and 5th. I be standin’ here and you ain’t here. [Pause.] What the fuck do you mean!? I be on da cor­ner wait­ing for yo ass for the past fifty min­utes. I on­ly get an hour for lunch. Now you gone and messed up my day cuz yo ass ain’t show up. [Paus­es, speaks more calm­ly.] I’m on da cor­ner of 33rd and 5th. [Scream­ing again.] Don’t tell me yo ain’t see me! I’m stand­ing right here!

–35th & Madi­son

Thanks to the Hyp­not­ic Rhythm Of Our Ar­gu­ment

Woman in line at Du­ane Reade: I drank your wa­ter, um, that bot­tle of bot­tled wa­ter?
Boyfriend: The one with the vod­ka in it?
Woman: Yeah, and it, um, tast­ed fun­ny. I had to lie down.
Boyfriend: Are you go­ing to apol­o­gize?
Woman: No.
Boyfriend: Are you go­ing to apol­o­gize?
Woman: No.
Boyfriend: Are you go­ing to apol­o­gize?
Woman: No. You should have come to bed.
Boyfriend: I did. You were asleep.

–59th St & 10th Ave

Over­heard by: Tanker

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Eat Boogers

Man on cell: It’s a swollen, pus-filled se­ba­ceous cyst…

–Nathan’s, West 32nd St

Over­heard by: SuzeV

Chick leav­ing Du­ane Reade (ex­pos­ing armpit): Air it out ba­by, air it out!

–Du­ane Reade, 14th & 1st

Over­heard by: Lil­lian

Guy to friends: I’m just gonna rub my shit all over her face. All over!

–96th and Broad­way

Fat girl on cell: Oh my god, se­ri­ous­ly. My mom is *so* nasty when­ev­er we go out to eat some­where. I’m not kid­ding. Like, she is *nev­er* hap­py where we get seat­ed, and she’s like, “This sil­ver­ware is smudgy! This glass has grit in it! The light­ing is aw­ful! The tec­ton­ic plates of this lo­ca­tion are shift­ing, I de­mand a pa­tio ta­ble!” I try to be as nice as I can to the wait staff to make up for her. Se­ri­ous­ly. I’ve seen wait­ing. Please don’t shave your ass­crack hair in­to my food be­cause my mom was a douchenoz­zle.

–jet blue ter­mi­nal, jfk

Over­heard by: now ques­tion­ing my piz­za in­gre­di­ents

Girl on cell: Yeah, you pret­ty much have the same body func­tions when you’re dead as when you’re alive. It’s gross, but I love it.

–Mer­cer b/w 3rd & 4th

Over­heard by: Threw up in my mouth a lit­tle bit