Archive for the ‘Education’ Category

And, by the Way, ‘Gram­mat­i­cal­ly Cor­rect­ly’ Is Need­less­ly Re­dun­dant

Bel­liger­ent white woman: Could you get of the way?
Black teen: I be try­ing!
Bel­liger­ent white woman: You should speak gra­mat­i­cal­ly cor­rect­ly!
Smar­tass: “I be try­ing” is­n’t un­gram­mat­i­cal. It’s stan­dard us­age in African-Amer­i­can ver­nac­u­lar Eng­lish.
Bel­liger­ent white woman: Oh, what would you know?
Smar­tass: I have a Ph.D. in lin­guis­tics from MIT.

–A train

Come on In– The Wednes­day One-Lin­er Is Fine!

20-some­thing chick: Sea cap­tains do­ing ta­ble-ser­vice is nev­er okay.

–A Train

Over­heard by: La­dle

La­dy on Blue­tooth: Well, if you prove to every­one that your vagi­na is as wide as an ocean, then go ahead!

–Brook­lyn

Teenage girl to friend: So, I heard back from the life­guard ap­pli­ca­tion. (paus­es, then ut­ter­ly be­wil­dered) I need to know how to swim!

–Up­town 1 Train

Over­heard by: tothe­world

Loud woman on es­ca­la­tor: No, you don’t get it. When you’re un­der wa­ter, you’re not wet.

–Queens Cen­ter Mall

Over­heard by: Burn­ing Ve­g­an

Mid­dle-aged man watch­ing sev­en-year old swim­ming deft­ly in shal­low end: Oh, yeah? Well, I can dri­ve. Can you? My feet can touch the bot­tom. Can yours?

–CUNY Swim Class

Over­heard by: obyun

Don’t For­get about That One “I’m Too Hun­gover to Grade”

Stu­dent: So, I was won­der­ing if I could know how I did on that pre­sen­ta­tion last week.
Pro­fes­sor: Oh, yes, yes — you did won­der­ful!
Stu­dent: No, I mean, like, how did I do?
Pro­fes­sor: Won­der­ful. You did won­der­ful.
Stu­dent: So… Is that my grade?
Pro­fes­sor: Yes.
Stu­dent: Great, now I have all ze­ro’s and a ‘Won­der­ful.’ I won­der what that av­er­ages out to.

–Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty

The Pit­ter-Pat­ter of Tiny Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Young boy: Fuck school! When I’m old enough, I’m just go­ing to stay home and make ba­bies.

–1 Train

Col­lege pro­fes­sor: Every­thing that is wrong in this world can be traced back to ba­bies.

–40th & 8th Ave

Over­heard by: Just Try­ing to Smoke in Peace

Girl on phone: I’m go­ing to have to can­cel for a few dif­fer­ent rea­sons. First, the ba­by has­n’t got­ten all her shots. And more im­por­tant­ly, there’s some­thing peck­ing through my wall! I’m re­al­ly freaked out!

–Bleeck­er and Lafayette

Woman with three kids, af­ter watch­ing the el­dest push the mid­dle to the ground: What are you push­ing him down for? Are you try­ing to up­set my stom­ach so I lose this ba­by in­side me?

–St Marks Place, Stat­en Is­land

Girl on cell: Well if she likes to have ba­bies so much, why don’t she just be a … doc­tor!

–52nd & 7th

Pro­fes­sor: 42-year-old ba­bies don’t have bones.

–Sch­enec­tady Coun­ty Com­mu­ni­ty Col­lege