Archive for the ‘Erections’ Category

Now They Grow Up to Be Fly­ing Rats

Old­er woman: Mice grow up to be rats. I have mice.
Old­er guy: No, they don’t!
Old­er woman: Yes they do, mice grow up to be rats.
Old­er guy: No, they don’t! They’re dif­fer­ent species. They’re cousins.
Old­er woman: No, they aren’t!
Old­er guy: Yes, they are–they’re cousins, like rab­bits and squir­rels.
Old­er woman: No–mice grow up to be rats!
Old­er guy: No, they don’t! There are even dif­fer­ent species of rats. Ger­man rats,
Nor­we­gian rats…
Old­er woman: Okay, let’s change the subject–I hate rats.
Old­er guy: Do you know pi­geons have strokes?
Old­er woman: What?
Old­er guy: Pi­geons have strokes. They don’t last long, but they do.
Old­er woman: Uh…okay.
Old­er guy: Pi­geons learn to fly when they’re five weeks old.

–A Train

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Get a Relt­ney

Hip­ster girl: And he’s al­ways like, “oh god, I’m so hard!” and I’m al­ways just like, “re­al­ly?”

–Kim­mel Cafe­te­ria, NYU

Loud pas­sen­ger: I’m so horny I’d fuck a pota­to right now.

–Metro-North

Over­heard by: fin­ger­ling

Guy: I’ve had a hard-on all day! I need to pol­ish my lid.

–Hard Rock Cafe

Beard­ed hip­ster to an­oth­er, on blan­ket in the park: Like, I could have sex eight times in a day and still come here and get a bon­er.

–Mc­Car­ren Park, Williams­burg

Over­heard by: kalbi­jim

Girl to guy friend: Did you just get a bon­er while we’re talk­ing about Mex­i­cans and drown­ing?

–Williams­burg

This Is Not a Hard Prob­lem

50-some­thing yup­pie guy to an­oth­er: My wife just does­n’t un­der­stand that men go through menopause too. It’s not just a wom­an’s prob­lem. These past few months I can tell that I’ve be­gun my menopause.
Teenage girl sit­ting across from two yup­pies: I’m pret­ty sure they call what you’re go­ing through “erec­tile dys­func­tion.”

–F Train

Over­heard by: Sophia

Fast Times at Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Teacher: My fa­ther al­ways told me, “Nev­er run away from a fight. If the guy’s big­ger than you, hit him. If he gets back up, hit him again. If he gets back up again, hit him with a garbage can. If he still gets back up, run like hell, ’cause this dude’s gonna kill you!”

–Stuyvesant High School

Teacher: Okay. Emer­gency pro­ce­dures. If the fire bell rings, we run like hell.

–Stuyvesant High School

Over­heard by: Goober

Chi­nese teacher (re­fer­ring to Sichuan earth­quake): They had a say­ing af­ter the earth­quake hap­pened that orig­i­nates from a male part. “Peo­ple are sup­posed to rise up, and get hard!” …and be strong.

–Bard High School Ear­ly Col­lege

Math teacher: Give me your lit­tle men!

–Spence School

Eng­lish teacher: I could be charged with child abuse in some states for teach­ing gram­mar in 90-de­gree weath­er. (stu­dent is silent) I’m not go­ing to hit you.

–Brook­lyn Tech

Over­heard by: Julie