Archive for the ‘Ew, Jersey’ Category

You’d Think They’d Tai­lor Them More to Me

Con­duc­tor (over PA sys­tem): Make sure you pick up all your be­long­ings… If you have small chil­dren, be sure to take them by the hand be­fore leav­ing the train. Thank you for rid­ing New Jer­sey tran­sit, and have a great day.
Jer­sey girl (to suit): Now see, I don’t have chil­dren! They haven’t thought these an­nounce­ments through.

–NJ Tran­sit

But That Gear Shaft To­tal­ly Con­sent­ed

Drunk mid­dle-aged woman #1: Yeah, but I don’t think…
Drunk mid­dle-aged woman #2: The cops in the state of New Jer­sey all have com­put­ers in their cars. They pulled him over, and he was­n’t even do­ing any­thing!
Drunk mid­dle-aged man #1: Well, what did they say to you?
Drunk mid­dle-aged man #2: They said I was dri­ving erot­i­cal­ly.

–NJ Tran­sit

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers, the Peo­ple’s Char­i­ot

Ghet­to fab bus dri­ver : Hel­lo and good morn­ing. Wel­come to the Bolt Bus, my name is Jacques and I’m go­ing to be your op­er­a­tor to­day. We do ap­pre­ci­ate your busi­ness. Well, I ap­pre­ci­ate your busi­ness. For my nails. Get­ting my hair done. Yeah.

–Bolt­Bus

Over­heard by: Julie and Mark The Snob

Bus dri­ver (as bus leaves Lex­ing­ton stop): The stop af­ter this stop will be the next stop.
(as bus turns in­to Cen­tral Park) Ladies and gen­tle­men, the next stop will be Cen­tral Park West. Please have your pass­ports ready.

–Crosstown Bus

Bus dri­ver over in­ter­com (as bus pass­es Uni­sphere): Oh, every­one’s from New York? Then y’all al­ready know this spot! I can’t tell you noth­ing! Bye.

–Shut­tle Bus, Flush­ing Mead­ows Park

Con­duc­tor: Good morn­ing! This is the bus dis­patch­er. It’s a sun­ny 78 de­grees on a beau­ti­ful Wednes­day! I’m hap­py to re­port the bus lanes in­bound to New York are slic­ing through traf­fic like a hot knife through but­ter! En­joy your day, con­trol cen­ter, out.

–NJ Tran­sit Bus

Over­heard by: Jerzey…CloseEnough

Con­duc­tor: Al­right folks, re­mem­ber to keep cool to­day and drink plen­ty of wa­ter. I rec­om­mend ya’ll eat some Hon­ey Nut Chee­rios. Hon­ey Nut Chee­rios will make ya’ll nicer to each oth­er. Stay away from that ba­con and eggs. Too hot. Yes, Hon­ey Nut Chee­rios. Have a nice day.

–B61 Bus

Over­heard by: should have eat­en break­fast

Fuck Am­ber Waves Of Grain– That’s Our True Na­tion­al Trea­sure

Vet­er­an on train: You know why Amer­i­ca is the best coun­try on earth?
NJ guy: Um, be­cause we got the most sta­ble econ­o­my and the great­est peo­ple. And be­cause we fight ter­ror­ism where the rest of the coun­tries aren’t pulling their weight.
Vet­er­an: Yep, I reck­on that’s all true. But I’ll tell you, this week when I was vis­it­ing New York, I went to this soup place and or­dered mac­a­roni. And this mac­a­roni was white, I mean with white cheese…not yel­low. I mean, can you imag­ine white cheese? You think oth­er coun­tries have white cheese? I mean, in Amer­i­ca you can have any­thing!

–NJ Tran­sit

Over­heard by: Hor­ri­fied

If You Love Wednes­day So Much, Why Don’t You One-Lin­er It?

Woman talk­ing to cute busi­ness­man: Oh I to­tal­ly love, like, wa­ter and all that jazz!

–Newark Flight

DJ to crowd: If ya love ya ma­ma put ya put ya moth­a­fuckin hand up the skyyyyy!

–Ham­mer­stein Ball­room

Crazy man in leather pants: Bitch­es, I seen it all! Bitch­es, hoes, I done it all… Y’all, who won the Yan­kees game last night? I said, who won the Yan­kees game last night?! Can I get a moth­er­fuck­ing an­swer? [Pause.] Fuck all y’all, fuck all y’all nig­gas, black, white, fuck all y’all white nig­gas [Pause.] Bitch­es, hoes, Cadil­lacs! I done it all! Fuck all y’all [Pause.] Peace, love, and re­spect ba­by for all. I love all y’all.

–A Train

Over­heard by: Sam

Girl on cell: …but I have to go now ‑I’m busy lovin’. I said I’m lovin’. I have to go!

–Out­side But­ler Li­brary, Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: La­dle

20-some­thing woman: I need more peo­ple in my life who love my knees.

–Down­town 1 Train

Over­heard by: McF­reaky

Boy: I’m go­ing to have a busi­ness card made. Some fi­nance com­pa­ny. Girls love that stuff.

–6 Train

Over­heard by: oya

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are So Not the Fresh­mak­er

Bim­bette: I don’t think I’ve ever been that grossed out dur­ing the day. It all start­ed when that woman smelled like pee…

–6 Train

Over­heard by: j

Fe­male suit: We were above an In­di­an restau­rant and he was bang­ing me from be­hind. I could smell the cur­ry, and while he was bang­ing me I was gag­ging.

–NJ Tran­sit

Chick: You smell like vag and piz­za.

–Bor­ders

Girl to friend, af­ter bend­ing head down in­to her: Damn my puss stank.

–E Train

Over­heard by: Nicole

Col­lege guy (scream­ing at friend): Dude! How are you even in col­lege?! You smell like Oust! You smell like Trop­i­cal Glade!

–1 Train

Con­cerned hip­ster: I know you just or­gasmed, but what’s that smell?

–E 9th & 3rd

Over­heard by: Peanut