Archive for the ‘Ew, Jersey’ Category

New York’s Dis­tinc­tive­ness

Woman wait­ing on line in Newark air­port: “Is­n’t it amaz­ing how, when­ev­er you go to a for­eign coun­try, you can get such a feel for the coun­try just from the air­port? Take New York: you land here, you look out the win­dows, and the first thing you re­al­ize about New York is, ‘aren’t the ve­hi­cles here so big!’ ”

Now I Have Twen­ty Cats, but Noth­ing’s Changed

Lone­ly cat la­dy: Re­mem­ber a few years back when I had ten cats? I knit­ted ten of these adorable lit­tle stock­ings for them, and I filled each one with cat­nip. Well, I nev­er did that again!
Pas­sen­ger: Why? Did they all freak out over the cat­nip?
Lone­ly cat la­dy: No, they did­n’t even ap­pre­ci­ate all the work that went in­to it. They just ig­nored them.

–Mid­town NJ Tranist

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Pelv­ing Thrust­ing in Your Di­rec­tion

Woman to friend: I woke up, and he was fuck­ing my ear! Fuck­ing my ear! Fuck. Ing. My. Ear!

–Walk­er & Canal

Over­heard by: of­fice pe­on

Girl on cell: So yeah, he just kin­da turned to her, hand­ed her some nap­kins and told her to pre­pare her­self for a good fin­ger­ing.

–New Jer­sey Tran­sit

Girl in school hall­way: Nasty lit­tle tenth graders hav­ing sex in the stair­wells…

–Bard High School Ear­ly Col­lege

Guy to an­oth­er: There’s on­ly three things peo­ple need in this world. Sex. Food. (pause) Yeah, okay, that’s it.

–125th & Lex­ing­ton

Stu­dent #1: (makes elab­o­rate point with with am­ple hand ges­tic­u­la­tion)
Stu­dent #2: Oh wow. You just made love to me with words.

–113th & Broad­way

Crazy la­dy: San­ta ain’t comin’ to Brook­lyn! And I’ll be drunk to­mor­row, don’t you ring my bell! (gets off train and leaves bag. 20-some­thing guy gives it to her) Have we had sex be­fore!? We should have sex! I like you! (doors start clos­ing) We should re­al­ly have sex!

–C Train

Re­bec­ca

Ri­can tough tween chick #1: What about Re­bec­ca?
Ri­can tough tween chick #2: I hear she a les­bian.
Ri­can tough tween chick #3: A les­bian?
Ri­can tough tween chick #2: Yeah, she likes girls.
Ri­can tough tween chick #1 (laugh­ing): Fuck that shit. Who wants to like girls?

–Bergen­line Jit­ney, Newark Av­enue, Jer­sey City

Over­heard by: Rich Mintz

Wednes­day One-Lin­er Pull the Trig­ger With Their Toes

Cheer­ful man with ba­by strapped to his chest: Lets all go stick our heads in the mi­crowave!

–77th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: rachel

40-some­thing man: They just upped my cred­it lim­it to $3,500, so on top of the few hun­dred I have saved up, I guess you could call me a ghet­to mil­lion­aire… (lat­er) So she’s all de­pressed and wants to kill her­self, says she’s gonna jump off some­thing. I told her, “Girl, you live in Du­luth. You jump off any­thing there, the on­ly thing that’ll hap­pen is you’ll break your leg.

–NJ Tran­sit

Over­heard by: He lat­er used my shoul­der as a pil­low

Girl on cell: What a fuck­ing self­ish bitch. I can’t be­lieve she did that. I mean, I know she was like de­pressed or what­ev­er, but you don’t just hang your­self at your ex-boyfriend’s house. (pause) No, I’m sor­ry, you don’t just wait for every­one to go to sleep, sneak out, and hang your­self so then every­one has to find you like that. What a bitch.

–Megabus NYC

Over­heard by: Tina

MTA em­ploy­ee, in be­tween or­der­ing food: They’re all jump­ing on the tracks now. Every­body’s com­mit­ting sui­cide. They used to wait un­til Christ­mas. Now it’s every day!

–Restau­rant, Kew Gar­dens

Over­heard by: Ab­bieprime