Archive for the ‘Excretions’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers for the Thir­teen-Year-Old in Every­one

Girl to friend: When­ev­er I get a re­al­ly big booger, I feed it to the dog.

–Apart­ment Build­ing, Mid­town

Girl: And the doc­tor asked if she’d gone down on any­one late­ly, and she said “yeah, and when I was do­ing it, all these lit­tle bumps kept falling off in my mouth,” and the doc­tor said “you have gen­i­tal warts in your throat.”

–L Train

Over­heard by: atrain

Man on cell: And he opened a can of worms, ate the whole thing and then spit it all in­to his friend’s mouth. We were dry heav­ing. But every­one just looked at us weird.

–1st & 15th

Over­heard by: An­gela

Pre­teen boy on cell: (belch­es) Huh? (belch­es again, loud­ly) What did you say? I can’t hear you, I’m burp­ing.

–77th & 2nd

Girl to friend: My dad would say, “don’t send her choco­late, it makes mu­cus.”

–W 24th St & 10th Ave

Over­heard by: Fred Daubert

The Best Things in Life Are Wednes­day One-Lin­er

Woman on cell: Why aren’t you look­ing for some boy to do it for free?

–E 3rd & 1st Ave

Over­weight MTA work­er with mega­phone: Free shut­tle bus­es to Uti­ca Ave. Fol­low the crowd. Free shut­tle bus­es to Uti­ca Ave. Fol­low the crowd. No shirt, no shoes: no ser­vice!

–Franklin Ave Sub­way

Over­heard by: Je­sus Jon

Home­less guy: Free boogers! Get your free boogers!

–8th & 6th

Over­heard by: Za­ck

Old woman with glass of wine and full plate, stum­bling out on­to the side­walk: Ha! It’s free! Every­one, free food! Ha!

–Open House Art Ex­hi­bi­tion, 106th St & Broad­way

Guy giv­ing out free pens: Come on, don’t be shy! Come get your free pens! This is New York City, on­ly thing you’re gonna get for free are these pens and your moth­er’s love.

–Kim­mel, NYU

Wan­na-be thug eat­ing ice cream: Wan­na know how much I paid for this? S’free! I stole it.

–125th St & Broad­way

Over­heard by: EthanK

Hobo stopped for steal­ing a box of bot­tled wa­ter: But Oba­ma’s Pres­i­dent! Every­thing should be moth­er­fuck­ing free for the next 279 years!

–Du­ane Reade

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers for Pu­ri­ty of Essence

Em­ploy­ee: Point is, I won’t waste any­more sali­va on him!

–Jam­ba Juice, Whole Foods, Colum­bus Cir­cle

Over­heard by: stunned juice drinker

Guy on cell: Yeah, man! It got all sticky icky in her gooey Louie.

–In line for food, Bing

Over­heard by: caitlin

Loud B&T chick on crowd­ed side­walk: You damn bet­ter tell me if there’s a booger hang­ing from my nose!

–23rd & Broad­way

Over­heard by: mk

Dude: I like my anal leak­age as much as the next guy.

–B&H Restau­rant, 2nd Ave

Over­heard by: E.F.S.

Man: I did­n’t mean to spit on San­ta Claus — it just sort of hap­pened.

–Near Crew Cuts

Over­heard by: Dan

Girl: He’s re­al­ly sweaty to sleep with, I’ll tell you that. Him and Frank both.

–110th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Al E. Ro

Chick: Well, we were talk­ing about pro­jec­tile lac­tat­ing…

–Wash­ing­ton Square

Read These Wednes­day One-Lin­ers to In­duce Vom­it­ing

Guy: Once I told my friend Ivan that I like to eat my scabs, and he said he did too, so we ate each oth­er scabs.

–Park Slope

Ug­ly drunk girl: Some­times I pick peo­ple’s noses. (pause) Usu­al­ly noth­ing comes out!

–LIRR, Hunt­ing­ton Line

Over­heard by: I 3 Com­muters Black guy on cell: Then I put KY all over her pussy, yo, and she want­ed to spoon that shit up and eat it!

–Lafayette St

Man to fam­i­ly: Well, I’ve got to as­sume he’s get­ting sick any­way, judg­ing by the snot I just saw.

–Grand Cen­tral Sta­tion

Male law stu­dent: That’s the good thing. You can scratch all day and it won’t spread.

–Ford­ham Law School

20-some­thing re­cep­tion­ist: Urp! I think I just coughed up a fe­tus. I bet­ter Lysol the phone.

–5th Ave

Over­heard by: Brook­lyn­Born

Wednes­day One-lin­ers Exc­re­ta

Guy: Ba­by, I got­ta piss, shit…barf, burp, sneeze, all that crap.


Punk girl: Oh my God. If I see Jorge I’m go­ing to poop my pants.

–Ran­dal­l’s Is­land

Over­heard by: Hol­ly Kaye

Woman: Do you know how nasty maxi pads are? It’s like a ba­by sit­ting in its own shit. It’s like me slosh­ing around in my own blood!

–22nd & Park

Over­heard by: Sion Har­ring­ton

Crazy la­dy: Can I get some pri­va­cy? I saw you peek­ing through the crack. All I wan­na do is pee. Can I get some pri­va­cy? All I wan­na do is pee. If you wan­na see pussy, I can show you where to go but can I get some pri­va­cy? All I wan­na do is pee!

–Penn Sta­tion ladies’ room

Over­heard by: bebe

Woman: Ex­cuse me! If you’re go­ing to pee on the seat do you think you could at least wipe it off when you’re done so the next per­son does­n’t have to sit in it?

–Grand Cen­tral ladies’ room

Dude on cell: …so I picked it up and there was, like, some brown stuff on it that I thought was, like, dirt. So I went to brush it off with my hand…but dude, it, like, was­n’t dirt…no…

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: P. Mills

Girl: Yo, this moth­er­fuck­ing but­ter­scotch tastes like jizz!

–Loews, 32nd & 2nd

Over­heard by: an­nie lin

Woman on cell: I don’t even know how to wash his balls when they’re that dirty!

–Grand Cen­tral

Over­heard by: cat verde

Punk chick: Guys are so lucky they don’t have to bleed and when they do, it’s like, all man­ly.


Over­heard by: Miss Amelia

I Hope No Men Find Out How Foul Women Can Be

Fe­male yup­pie #1: … And it was smeared all over the walls of the stall!
Fe­male yup­pie #2: Oh my god, that is so dis­gust­ing.
Fe­male yup­pie #1: Yeah, I can’t be­lieve some­one would do that at work.
Fe­male yup­pie #2: I can’t be­lieve some­one would do that ever!

–South-bound G train

Over­heard by: Kevin

Bob Dole Has Fall­en on Not-So-Hard Times

Phar­ma­cist: Hi, sir, can I help you?
Old man: I need to re­fill my pills.
Phar­ma­cist: Which pills, sir?
Old man: You know, my pills.
Phar­ma­cist: Sir, you are on eight dif­fer­ent med­ica­tions. Can you maybe de­scribe the col­or or shape of the one you want? Or maybe what it does?
Old man: I just want my pills, dammit!
Phar­ma­cist: Sir, I can’t re­fill them if you don’t tell me what they are.
Old man: My pills! The blue ones! You know, the man-agra!


Over­heard by: Amused cus­tomer in line

In Rus­sia, That’s Like a French Kiss

Man #1: I was cash­ing my check in Brighton Beach and this Russ­ian dude al­most hit my lit­tle broth­er. So I went and tapped on his win­dow and you know the first thing I did?
Man #2: What’s that?
Man #1: I spit in his mouth. He opened up his mouth and got a mouth­ful of my spit. Then I start­ed walk­ing away and he got out of his car and was like 6ft 9, all bas­ket­ball style.

–Nathan’s at Coney Is­land

Over­heard by: Brad Ben­son