Archive for the ‘Excretions’ Category

In Russia, That’s Like a French Kiss

Man #1: I was cashing my check in Brighton Beach and this Russian dude almost hit my little brother. So I went and tapped on his window and you know the first thing I did?
Man #2: What’s that?
Man #1: I spit in his mouth. He opened up his mouth and got a mouthful of my spit. Then I started walking away and he got out of his car and was like 6ft 9, all basketball style.

–Nathan’s at Coney Island

Overheard by: Brad Benson

Some Wednesday One-Liners to Make You Lose Your Appetite

Guy on cell: It’s not like I take my ear wax, put it on my penis, and use it as lube.


Overheard by: Jess

Friends on stoop: Bro, did you see that ass? I would lick the fart out that ass!

–19th & 6th

Middle-aged yuppie, about club in Las Vegas: And I said “here’s our check, and if another pubic hair falls in our drink, you’re in trouble!”

–Times Square

Overheard by: Scott

Boy in car to mom: Hey mom, what about anal leakage?


Overheard by: Brenna

Guy to friend: She said she was stressed out studying for finals, I didn’t realize that meant she hadn’t been showering. As soon as I got there we started “hitting it”. It was too late when I realized how dirty she was. Dude, I literally licked a layer of crust off her.

–3rd St b/w Ave A & B

Overheard by: saffrosun

Is Anyone Crazier Than White People? Discuss.

Intelligent-looking girlfriend: How’s she going to run a marathon in 60 minutes?
Intelligent-looking boyfriend, indifferently: It’s impossible.
Intelligent-looking girlfriend: I mean, not even those crazy black people can run that fast.
Intelligent-looking boyfriend, unfazed: I know.
Intelligent-looking girlfriend: I mean, I can’t even drive that fast in the city!
Intelligent-looking boyfriend: Um… I hope you can go 26 miles in one hour.
Intelligent-looking girlfriend: Oh, right. I’m sorry. I was thinking 60 miles an hour. It’s the vodka talking. Now kiss me once nicely, without whiskers.
(two minutes later)
Intelligent-looking girlfriend: I remember the first time I showered with you and I had this big snot coming out my nose.
Intelligent-looking boyfriend: I remember the first time I slept with you, and farted a lot.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Rick

Clean Up in Aisle Emily!

Girl #1: Yeah!. I get 80 mother fucking % off!
Girl #2: Doesn’t that just make you wet?
Girl #1: No. I’m pretty sure it makes me gush.

–27 & 7

Overheard by: sf

Headline by: kerm

· “And I Know When Someone Rips Me Off Because I Get A Yeast Infection” — Dan
· “And That Is What We Call a Jew-gasm!” — Andi
· “Coupon Booklets Are Essentially Free Porn” — Matt
· “Cuidado — Piso Jugoso” — Grantankerous
· “Sam Walton Can Still Get the Girls.” — wal-mart women calendar girl
· “Sounds Like You Got 100% Off, To Me” — T Bag

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Translation: “Die, Shrew. Die! Die!

Wifey: Did you just see what happened?
Husband: Yes.
Wifey: That’s why you need to let people off the train first before you try to get on.
Husband: Okay.
Wifey: Next time, just follow me okay?
Husband, disgruntled: Okay.
[Wifey starts reading a book and hubby starts reading his morning newspaper.]Wifey, glancing at husband: You really need to clean your ears out ‑you have a big piece of wax in your ear!
Husband: Thanks for letting me know.
Wifey: No problem.

–N Train