Archive for the ‘Excretions’ Category

These Wednesday One-Liners Won’t Stain

Woman on cell: He wouldn’t know where the hell my G‑spot was if it hit him in the face with female ejaculation.

–Central Park

Overheard by: albus severus

Garage attendant: Sex is better when you’re all sweaty. If she can’t grab your ass, she’ll slide right off!

–Parking garage, Edgecombe Ave

Overheard by: Lalaith

Frat boy: … So I look down and I see vagina juices all down the side of my pants.

–NYU dining hall

Old Russian lady blows nose into her palm and flings it behind her, almost hitting black woman.

Black woman: Lady, you got to watch what you’re doing! You can’t be doin’ that shit! You almost hit me with your snot!

–Queens Blvd, Rego Park

Dentist: Wow, your saliva just spurted like a whale!

–10th & 3rd

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Woman in dressing room: There’s a booger on the wall in here. I wonder what the proper etiquette is for this.

–MEXX, 5th Ave

Overheard by: Sarah

Wednesday One-Liners Work Just Like Ipecac

Man to friend: I wonder if that dingleberry fell out of my ass yet.

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: #2

Drunk guy: Yeah, I’d pick corn out of your shit to have sex with you.

–5th & Ave B

Fourth grade boy #1: I love to be eatin’ the dead skin off the bottom of my feet. It be tastin’ mad salty! [Friend smiles and nods in agreement.] 

–Classroom, 106th & 1st

Little kid, screaming: Pick my nose! Pick my nose! Pick my nose! Pick my nose!

–JFK

Overheard by: Ladle

Wednesday One-Liners Veg Out

Burly construction worker: Nah, I’m telling you, man. You got it all wrong. Apple turnover is one of those little cake things.

–39th St, between 8th & 9th

Checkout lady holding up customer’s pear on counter: What the hell is this?!

–Key Food, East Village

Overheard by: J

Guy: … I didn’t know why she was chewing on a pickle with an inflated glove over one eye.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: McFreaky

Coworker: I’m just saying, broccoli is the least respected vegetable in the vegetable kingdom. You can’t argue that.

–Madison Ave

Overheard by: Georgia Peach

Conductor after train pulls into station: Mrew! Mrew! Apples and bah-nay-nays!

–7 train

Drunk lady on cell: So, I’ve been pinned against the wall all night by a woman telling me about her bowel movements… And to top it all off, I found avocadoes on sale today for 99 cents!

–St. Mark’s & 5th, Park Slope