Little boy: I farted!
Mother: Oh, Andrew, that's gross.
Grandma: Yes, say “excuse me” and then get out of here.
Little boy: Bombs away!
–Target, Queens
Archive for the ‘Family Ties’ Category
… So I Maced Him.
College girl: Whenever I tell anyone that I was there when you dislocated your shoulder they ask if it’s my fault ’cause we were having sex.
20-ish guy: Hahaha! Yeah, me, too. I had one guy ask me, ‘Did it happen while you were [pelvic thrusts] uh, uh, uh?’
College girl, excitedly: That’s exactly what my dad said!
–Riverside Park
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Wasn't That a Cherry Poppin' Daddies Song?
Bodega guy to old Dominican guy: What's up, sister?
Old Dominican guy: I got your sister swinging!
–Throop & Vernon
Overheard by: johnny
Wednesday One-liners: The Next Generation
Thug: I need a girl who’s responsible and don’t got no kids.
–40th & 5th
Dude: Are we talking about the truth now? The truth is that you’re scared that she’s going to take your son away from you!
–27th Street office
Black guy on cell: Yeah, it was actually all right. We were both circumcised.
–Union Square greenmarket
Overheard by: Lisa Ramaci
Living with Korsakov’s
Girl #1: That’s pretty much illegal or something.
Girl #2: They’re not really related, and she told her dad and he’s cool with it.
Girl #1: Oooh, do you wanna get some ice cream?
–M96 bus
And Who Are You?
College student #1, with Brooklyn meets Boston mystery accent: My uncle is a doctor. Well, he's like a doctor. I mean he works in a hospital, but you know, once you work in a hospital for 15 years you might as well be a doctor cause you know it all by then, anyway. Well, he says that food comas are real. Yeah, you know, it's like the cyanide in the turkey or something.
College student #2: I have no idea what you are talking about.
–LIRR
Overheard by: Dara
New York: Encapsulated.
Shrimpy guy, singing: Summertiiiiiime, and the livin' is easy…
Black guy: Man, the sons be actin' like daughters and the daughters be actin' like sons!
–Times Square
Overheard by: Porgy
Ever Since I Accidentally Tripped Over Them
Tall girl: I think I saw his brother in the chorus of a show I saw for my job.
Short girl: Word.
Tall girl: Yeah.
Short girl: Yeah. There's four of them. And they're all beautiful. It's so not fair. I'm weird-looking and, according to my grandma, my brother looks like the love child of Jake Gyllenhaal and Sanjay Gupta.
Tall girl: And your parents are short Jews.
Short girl: I can't believe you remember that.
–Downtown 1 Train
Wednesday One-Liners Gave You Life
Nine-year-old girl: Trick or treat! If you don’t have any candy, you can give my mom some liquor!
–Wine shop, Chelsea
Overheard by: Catherynne Valente
Cute chick on cell: Hello, Mom. I’m just calling to tell you I got a tattoo, and I’m telling you on your voicemail so I don’t have to hear any shit from you about it. Call me after you calm down. Bye.
–Canal & Lafayette
Overheard by: Big Larry
Mom and nine-year-old daughter are walking hand-in-hand.
Daughter, shrieking: No, Mommy, please don’t buy the razor! Anything but the razor, Mommy!
–74th & Broadway
Tween girl: My mother is probably going to shit on my head.
–Broadway & 67th
Overheard by: thaler
Hipster NYU dude: She’s not my mother anymore.
–14th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: yamutha
Jessica Simpson: I Am So With You
Younger man: Maybe I’ll marry your sister. Then I’ll kill myself.
Older man: I’m waiting to give my sister to an enemy.
–Ditmars Blvd, Astoria
Overheard by: Christine