Archive for the ‘Family Ties’ Category

The Unit­ed One-Lin­ers Of Wednes­day

Fe­male suit on cell: And if we get cus­tody, we can take the girls to North Car­oli­na! Fuck it! Yeah, we can!

–37th St & Madi­son

Over­heard by: catch­ing a train

Lit­tle boy: Mom­my, is Cal­i­for­nia re­al­ly far? Would we have to take the f train to get there?

–N Train

Crazy-eyed la­dy on sub­way: The pub­lic schools failed my son! He flunked out, and now he’s get­ting all As in pri­vate school! We need to stop putting mon­ey in­to Geor­gia and put mon­ey in­to our schools! You know what else we need to do? We need to drill in Alas­ka, be­cause if we don’t, Rus­si­a’s go­ing to get a pipeline in there and take it all!

–Up­town R Train

Over­heard by: An­na P.

20-some­thing woman: I think he’s just go­ing to club me…and drag me back to Alas­ka.

–Bleeck­er & 11th

Over­heard by: Im­ma club you

Fa­ther to five-year-old daugh­ter touch­ing sign­posts and cars: You can rub any­thing you want in Con­necti­cut, hon­ey, but we have to be care­ful in New York.

–Union Square

Thugette: Ohio was mad crazy. Hill­bil­lies be fuck­ing chill­in’ on the block. Ain’t no one had teeth! No one! You ever seen one of those movies where some white guy goes fuck­ing crazy and kills, like, ten peo­ple? Like he’s walk­ing down the street and just stabs a cat in the neck? It was like that.

–V Train

He Won’t Even Use Old Ones to Line His Bird’s Cage

Wan­na-be prep­py: Hey! Is that the news­pa­per?
Slack­er: Yeah.
Wan­na-be prep­py: Let’s have a look at it.
(slack­er throws pa­per in­to lock­er and locks lock­er)
Wan­na-be prep­py: Aw, why did you do that?
Slack­er: I can’t let you see it. It’s not mine.
Wan­na-be prep­py: Whose is it?
Slack­er: My girl­friend’s broth­er. He’s re­al­ly sen­si­tive…
Wan­na-be prep­py: Re­al­ly sen­si­tive about the news­pa­per?

–Mid­town

Over­heard by: Kane

…As I Will Ex­plain on All My Col­lege Ap­pli­ca­tions.

Blonde sev­enth grad­er, about Holo­caust: Yeah, like, I’m Jew­ish on my mom’s side, you’re Asian. So, ba­si­cal­ly every­one in our class would have died from the Nazis.
Asian sev­enth grad­er, to oth­er friend: Ex­cept for Lau­ra.
Lau­ra: What? Why?
Asian sev­enth grad­er: Be­cause you’re white.
Lau­ra: I’m not white! I’m like… Pink­ish or some­thing.

–93rd St & Am­s­ter­dam

We Call It… The Aris­to­crats!

Moth­er #1: Yeah, Thanks­giv­ing is so crazy. I de­cid­ed long ago not to trav­el; it’s too much with the kids.
Moth­er #2: I know. I went to Cal­i­for­nia once with the kids, and it was in­sane!
Moth­er #1: We just have a nice, qui­et din­ner at home.
Moth­er #2: I know! Once, we had a pants­less Thanks­giv­ing. We all sat around the ta­ble with­out any pants on and ate din­ner. The boys were crawl­ing on the ta­ble, it was great!
Moth­er #1: Yikes…

–Av­enue of the Amer­i­c­as

Nor­man Rock­well’s Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Dude: Well, it would be re­al­ly nice if I could sleep with your sis­ter.

–Wash­ing­ton Sq South

White girl: Well, if I’m so white, why do I have an un­cle named Juan?!

–Hunter Col­lege

Scan­di­na­vian-look­ing girl: My ma­ma has broth­ers who were Nazis. That’s why we don’t talk to them any­more. Oh, and be­cause they’re dead, too.

–Bloom­ing­dales

Girl cry­ing and plead­ing with bounc­er af­ter he took her fake ID: But I need that back! It’s my sis­ter’s, and she’s dead!

–Union Bar, Park Ave South

Over­heard by: BOB Sled

Loud black chick on cell: Yo, mom, I’m gonna fuck your daugh­ter up!

–H&M, Her­ald Square

Over­heard by: Limey

Chick: I told her if she don’t sign it, I’m gonna dig Dad­dy up and set him on her porch.

–18th & Park

Over­heard by: Tony Jones

Woman on cell: Do we have a con­scious grand­moth­er or an un­con­scious grand­moth­er? … Oh, goood!

–Ma­cy’s

Over­heard by: white_on_white