Latina to male stranger: I’m bi, my homegirl bi, my sister bi. My other sister kissed a girl…
Girl nearby: My mom bi.
Guy: But I’m not. I’m gay.
–Bus
Overheard by: needs a car
Archive for the ‘Family Ties’ Category
Mel Gibson’s Dad: ‘Who?’
Male lawyer #1: I’m reading this book that says Hitler’s grandfather was probably a Jewish guy his grandmother worked for as a housemaid.
Female lawyer: Can you imagine how that guy must feel, knowing that he produced Hitler?
Male lawyer #2: I think Hitler would feel worse.
Male lawyer #1: Who gives a shit how Hitler feels?
–Supreme Court, 851 Grand Concourse, Bronx
Overheard by: Big Larry
Translation: “God, I Need a Woman.”
Man: Yeah, my mother raised me right. I make sure I eat breakfast every day.
Woman: Mmm-hmm.
Man: I have sardines and grits every day.
Woman: Sardines?
Man: Hell, yes. Sometimes I give some of the gravy to the cats, and they go crazy for it. I mean, it don’t matter if they just ate or nothing, they just love the gravy.
Woman: Mmm-hmm.
Man: Gravy. I usually give them a little of whatever I cook. You know, and then they either eat it or they don’t. They like turn their heads away if they don’t like it. But they sure like gravy. Gravy.
–B26 Bus, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
I’m Demoting You to Provisionally-Exclusive
20-ish girl: Dammit, why aren’t you coming to my party?
20-ish guy: I told you — I have to go to DC that night with my family.
20-ish girl: How am I going to show off my terribly attractive boyfriend to all my other less-attractive boyfriends if you’re not going to be there?!
–L train
And Why Can’t Fully-Clothed Cousins Take Hot, Wet Photographs of Wallets?
Girl: I’ll bring my wallet to showers, which is exactly what I did last time!
Guy: Hot, hot. What else do you bring to showers?
Girl: Clothes? My camera!
Guy: Oooh! Wait, are these discussions normal for us? You’re my cousin.
–Chinatown
Overheard by: Chiyo
The Sum Of All Wednesday One-Liners
Woman on cell: And when my brother got near him, his poop came out. That’s how scared he was.
–107th & Broadway
Woman on cell: So yeah, they are really scary, like if you walk in the house they will bark really loud, and that’s totally worse than them biting you.
–Majestic Theater
Girl on cell: I went in for genetic counseling and I found out things that scared me.
–10th Ave & 39th St
Overheard by: Todd Fletcher
Girl on cell: No, you can’t go! I’m too stoned and too scared. Just stay on the phone with me, please.
–Supermarket, Astoria
Conductor: Never fear! The phantom of the train is here!
–7 Train
Overheard by: Alex
The Difference Between Obvious-Crazy and Stealth-Crazy
Crazy vet: Hey lady, you got any kids?
Sympathetic, but slightly freaked out woman: No.
Crazy vet: You got any grandkids?
Sympathetic, but slightly freaked out woman: Yeah, I got six grandbabies.
–14 D Bus
Overheard by: Fer
Believe Me, He Would Know
Guy #1: Hey…Sam?
Guy #2: No…Sam’s my brother.
Guy #1: Oh…sorry. Dude, you look just like him.
Guy #2: Well, we’re brothers.
Guy #1: Me and my brother don’t look anything alike.
Guy #2: Huh. Guess your mother was a whore.
–37th & 3rd
Your Elevator Will Be Separate, but Equal
Chick (walking in elevator and looking at others): Sorry for staring, but you all have blue eyes.
Blue-eyed woman: Yeah, we’re all related.
Chick: Really?
Blue-eyed woman: Uh, no.
Blue-eyed man: But don’t worry, we’ll be nice to you when we take over.
–Elevator, Roosevelt Hospital
“Try telling her that.”
Guy: Wait, you had anal sex?
Girl: Yeah. It really hurt.
Guy: Well, what did you expect? Why did you do it?
Girl: You have to try everything once, just as my mother told me.
Guy: I don’t think you’re meant to include anal.
–Umi Sushi, 2nd Avenue
