Archive for the ‘Fast Times at New York High’ Category

Re­al Bun­ny Eyes Dis­solve, Too

Girl #1: We did this ex­per­i­ment with Peeps in high school. Noth­ing dis­solved them. Not hy­drochlo­ric acid. High­ly con­cen­trat­ed. Not sul­fu­ric acid. High­ly con­cen­trat­ed. Not ni­tric acid. High­ly con­cen­trat­ed. Noth­ing dis­solved ex­cept the eyes.
Girl #2: So how come when I eat Peeps, my poop is­n’t pink and spark­ly?
Girl #1: Oh, there’s in­gre­di­ent break­down and bile’s in­volved, but you pret­ty much shit Peep.

–Metro-North train

CNN Needs More Scratch­ing and Weave-Pulling

Black girl #1, af­ter watch­ing Eliot Spitzer’s apol­o­gy: Did you see the wife? She was just standin’ there!
Black girl #2: That’s cause she’s not black. If that was me, I’­da took off my ring and throwed it at his head.
Black girl #1: Mmmh­mm. If she was black, she’d a keeped it re­al.

–Ed­ward R. Mur­row High School

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Flunk the Poly­graph

Woman on cell: I can’t come. I’m in the Poconos right now.

–Rite Aid, The Bronx

Punk girl on phone: Hi mom…yeah… Yeah, me and Jane are just walk­ing around in the neigh­bor­hood… Yeah, we’re at the Time Warn­er cen­ter right now. No! No, of course I’m not on St. Mark’s. No. I’d nev­er go there. Of course I’m sober! Why would­n’t I be? Yeah. Okay, love you, bye! (hangs up phone, now to friend with beer) Gimme some of that!

–St. Mark’s Place

Russ­ian guy on phone (in Russ­ian): Yeah, I’m on Av­enue M. I just got off, I’ll be there in a few.

–Q Train, Kings High­way

Over­heard by: Robert

Dude on cell: Yo! What’s up? I’m wait­ing at La­Guardia.

–Mar­tin Luther King High School

Over­heard by: Su­san Vol­chok

Guy on cell: Yeah, I’m on Long Is­land right now. I’ll be here for a lit­tle while.

–Park Slope

Fe­male suit on phone: I have to can­cel din­ner tonight, I had that meet­ing I told you about, re­mem­ber? And I’m still not back yet. Yeah. Yeah, I’m in Jer­sey still.

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Woman on cell out­side a pub: Hon­ey? It’s mom­my. We’re still at the hos­pi­tal. I don’t know, we could still be here for hours.

–1st & 72nd

Over­heard by: Well, there were hos­pi­tals near­by, at least

But That’s, Like, The Worst Hamp­ton!

Jap­py girl #1: So like, I could­n’t be­lieve what hap­pened to Er­i­ca*, but like, I think she’ll be ok. I mean, she’s gonna mar­ry some guy who went to Penn in­stead of some guy who went to Prince­ton, and she’ll have a coun­try house in South Hamp­ton in­stead of like, East Hamp­ton, but I think she’ll be ok.
Jap­py girl #2: Oh yeah, I think she can han­dle it.
Jap­py girl #1: Poor thing.

–The Dal­ton School

Over­heard by: Vicks­burg

Wednes­day One-lin­ers on Fad Di­ets

Fruit stand guy: Too much pa­paya! Too much mar­i­jua­na! Too much co­caine!

–Dean & Court, Cob­ble Hill

Over­heard by: Zach

Asian girl: You’re not fol­low­ing the di­et plan! It’s ei­ther junk food or no food!

–Stuyvesant High School

Wednes­day One-Lin­er: The Mu­si­cal

Girl to class: I love clas­si­cal mu­sic! I lis­ten to the Bam­bi sound­track all the time!

–Cur­tis High School, Stat­en Is­land

Guy in lob­by, at in­ter­mis­sion: Hands down, the best band I’ve ever seen in con­cert… Hootie and the Blow­fish.

–Jazz at Lin­coln Cen­ter

Guy on cell: I guess they’re mu­si­cians. They put bitch­es ahead of prac­tice.

–79th St b/w York & 1st

Over­heard by: Queixa

Gay man to an­oth­er, walk­ing out of a bank: I mean, if you lis­ten to like, one Sade song every six years, it’s okay.

–15th St & 8th Ave

Les­bian: Fuck her! All she wants to do is stay home and sit in the kitchen and drink beer and lis­ten to Melis­sa Etheridge! Fuck her! She can take a cab home!

–Stat­en Is­land

Over­heard by: Ka­teri

Straight girl with a seat at the pi­ano: No, I’ve nev­er been here be­fore, but I’m ac­tu­al­ly hav­ing a good time. I mean, I don’t know most of these songs, but ear­li­er he was play­ing The Sound of Mu­sic, and I was rock­ing out to that.

–Marie’s Cri­sis Pi­ano Bar

Over­heard by: Dun­can Pflaster

Crazy old cat la­dy to guy who just shut off ob­nox­ious­ly loud mu­sic in next lane: Why’d you shut it off? I liked that song!

–Marathon Park­way & North­ern Boule­vard

It Means You’ll Need to Bring Me the Head Of a Drag­on Be­fore We Can Dis­cuss This Fur­ther

Stu­dent: Am I pass­ing your math class?
Teacher: No.
Stu­dent: But I on­ly need your class to grad­u­ate! What can I do to pass?
Teacher: Ex­cuse me. Just be­cause I’m Chi­nese does not mean you can bar­gain for your grade like this is Chi­na­town.

–High School, Queens