Archive for the ‘Fast Times at New York High’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Flunk the Poly­graph

Woman on cell: I can’t come. I’m in the Poconos right now.

–Rite Aid, The Bronx

Punk girl on phone: Hi mom…yeah… Yeah, me and Jane are just walk­ing around in the neigh­bor­hood… Yeah, we’re at the Time Warn­er cen­ter right now. No! No, of course I’m not on St. Mark’s. No. I’d nev­er go there. Of course I’m sober! Why would­n’t I be? Yeah. Okay, love you, bye! (hangs up phone, now to friend with beer) Gimme some of that!

–St. Mark’s Place

Russ­ian guy on phone (in Russ­ian): Yeah, I’m on Av­enue M. I just got off, I’ll be there in a few.

–Q Train, Kings High­way

Over­heard by: Robert

Dude on cell: Yo! What’s up? I’m wait­ing at La­Guardia.

–Mar­tin Luther King High School

Over­heard by: Su­san Vol­chok

Guy on cell: Yeah, I’m on Long Is­land right now. I’ll be here for a lit­tle while.

–Park Slope

Fe­male suit on phone: I have to can­cel din­ner tonight, I had that meet­ing I told you about, re­mem­ber? And I’m still not back yet. Yeah. Yeah, I’m in Jer­sey still.

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Woman on cell out­side a pub: Hon­ey? It’s mom­my. We’re still at the hos­pi­tal. I don’t know, we could still be here for hours.

–1st & 72nd

Over­heard by: Well, there were hos­pi­tals near­by, at least

But That’s, Like, The Worst Hamp­ton!

Jap­py girl #1: So like, I could­n’t be­lieve what hap­pened to Er­i­ca*, but like, I think she’ll be ok. I mean, she’s gonna mar­ry some guy who went to Penn in­stead of some guy who went to Prince­ton, and she’ll have a coun­try house in South Hamp­ton in­stead of like, East Hamp­ton, but I think she’ll be ok.
Jap­py girl #2: Oh yeah, I think she can han­dle it.
Jap­py girl #1: Poor thing.

–The Dal­ton School

Over­heard by: Vicks­burg

Wednes­day One-lin­ers on Fad Di­ets

Fruit stand guy: Too much pa­paya! Too much mar­i­jua­na! Too much co­caine!

–Dean & Court, Cob­ble Hill

Over­heard by: Zach

Asian girl: You’re not fol­low­ing the di­et plan! It’s ei­ther junk food or no food!

–Stuyvesant High School

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers: “Is This Thing On?”

PA sys­tem: Leia, please meet your par­ty at the front. Leia, not the princess, please meet your par­ty at the front.

–Bed, Bath & Be­yond, 18th & 6th

Over­heard by: Re­bec­ca

An­nounc­er over loud­speak­er: The time is now one am o’­clock!

–Bag­gage Claim, JFK

Over­heard by: Kim­mie

Loud­speak­er an­nounce­ment: At­ten­tion, all late night shop­pers, this is a live an­nounce­ment. I re­peat, this is not a record­ing! Right now, in our deli de­part­ment, ful­ly-cooked chick­ens! Come on over and get your chick­ens! They’re hot! They’re fresh! And they were alive this morn­ing!

–Path­mark, Cropsey Ave, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Sta­cy

An­nounce­ment over loud­speak­er dur­ing class: Hel­lo, I’m sor­ry for the in­ter­rup­tion. Mr Poland Spring, you have to go out­side, they’re about to tow your truck.

–Stuyvesant High School

Loud­speak­er: Good af­ter­noon, East Side. Fag football…oops, I mean “flag foot­ball” will meet in the cafe­te­ria im­me­di­ate­ly fol­low­ing ad­vi­so­ry.

–East Side Com­mu­ni­ty High School

Wednes­day One-Lin­er: The Mu­si­cal

Girl to class: I love clas­si­cal mu­sic! I lis­ten to the Bam­bi sound­track all the time!

–Cur­tis High School, Stat­en Is­land

Guy in lob­by, at in­ter­mis­sion: Hands down, the best band I’ve ever seen in con­cert… Hootie and the Blow­fish.

–Jazz at Lin­coln Cen­ter

Guy on cell: I guess they’re mu­si­cians. They put bitch­es ahead of prac­tice.

–79th St b/w York & 1st

Over­heard by: Queixa

Gay man to an­oth­er, walk­ing out of a bank: I mean, if you lis­ten to like, one Sade song every six years, it’s okay.

–15th St & 8th Ave

Les­bian: Fuck her! All she wants to do is stay home and sit in the kitchen and drink beer and lis­ten to Melis­sa Etheridge! Fuck her! She can take a cab home!

–Stat­en Is­land

Over­heard by: Ka­teri

Straight girl with a seat at the pi­ano: No, I’ve nev­er been here be­fore, but I’m ac­tu­al­ly hav­ing a good time. I mean, I don’t know most of these songs, but ear­li­er he was play­ing The Sound of Mu­sic, and I was rock­ing out to that.

–Marie’s Cri­sis Pi­ano Bar

Over­heard by: Dun­can Pflaster

Crazy old cat la­dy to guy who just shut off ob­nox­ious­ly loud mu­sic in next lane: Why’d you shut it off? I liked that song!

–Marathon Park­way & North­ern Boule­vard

It Means You’ll Need to Bring Me the Head Of a Drag­on Be­fore We Can Dis­cuss This Fur­ther

Stu­dent: Am I pass­ing your math class?
Teacher: No.
Stu­dent: But I on­ly need your class to grad­u­ate! What can I do to pass?
Teacher: Ex­cuse me. Just be­cause I’m Chi­nese does not mean you can bar­gain for your grade like this is Chi­na­town.

–High School, Queens

Peo­ple for the Eth­i­cal Treat­ment Of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Girl to guy: I don’t think that ham­sters re­spond to you as much as, like, a guinea pig does.

–Bank St. & Green­wich St.

Over­heard by: Katie Com­pa

Crazy red­neck-look­ing guy to PE­TA cir­cus pro­test­er: They’re gonna do to us what they did to the li­ons! We’ll be put in con­cen­tra­tion camps!

–Madi­son Square Gar­den

Over­heard by: San­ti­a­go and Catie

Guy: And she can ride him like a horse!

–W 103rd St

Gray­ing Brook­lyn guy to an­oth­er: You know, the on­ly thing I haven’t seen is a bob­cat.

–7th Ave & 4th St, Brook­lyn

Un­der­class­man to an­oth­er: Lizards can’t im­preg­nate any­one. They don’t even have penis­es.

–Townsend Har­ris High School

Over­heard by: amused

Drunk man in tiger cos­tume to Mc­Don­ald’s work­er: There’s an es­caped zoo an­i­mal and he wants to eat your pussy. Stop serv­ing your food and hide! (then steals bowl of jams used for break­fast menu)

–Mc­Don­ald’s