Cute little girl: Daddy! Daddy! Come over here!
Large angry man: No! I want to see the monkeys!
–Central Park Zoo
Archive for the ‘Fat People’ Category
Wednesday One-Liners Wish They Could DVR Their Lives, Instead
Young woman on elevator to friend: I have a date this Thursday with a guy I met on match.com, and I was so excited, but then I remembered Thursday is Grey's Anatomy! I mean, I'm DVRing it, but that's so not the same.
–Wall St.
Overheard by: krazyhippie
Large 40-something woman: But I'm not gonna be on Maury sayin', "I'm 100% sure!" Because I'm not!
–10th St & FDR
20-something woman on cell: It's white, sleeveless…well, you don't watch Gossip Girl but it's totally Blair-worthy.
–W 19th & 5th Ave
Appalled girl to friend: So, I guess he just couldn't hold it in and needed to share with everyone around him, so he just shouted out "Fuck! I miss Gossip Girl!"
–Mercer & W 3rd
Saucy Latina: Telemundo makes BET look like The History Channel.
–171st St & Broadway
Overheard by: The Low Hat
Guy to friend: My girlfriend is cool if you and your boys are…she loves the BBC when she's high.
–PATH Station
Overheard by: smjcnj
30-something woman on cell: Remember season one of The Hills? What a simpler time.
–Columbia University
Overheard by: The Evil Triangle
What's a Nice Wednesday Like You Doing in a One-Liner Like This?
Creepster to woman with child entering train: You can sit here. There's no reason to be standing when you have a child with you. (woman sits) Not to sound creepy, but the view was much better when you were standing.
–6 Train
Overheard by: Creeped out.
Black hobo to young white girl: If you and I got together, we could make the next Obama.
–4 Train
Overheard by: Katie
Greasy white suit to hot black chick: My name is Mark, but you can call me "The Vagina Whisperer."
–Moe's Bar. Brooklyn
Guy hitting on four younger girls: I'll take you home and we can do something weird… I'll pour honey all over you. Then I'll put you in the closet and let loose 200 bees in there with you! Or, we could do sexy-weird! I'll pour butter all over you, and I'll make toast, and I'll wipe the butter off your back with it!
–1 Train
Older fat man yelling at attractive young woman: Hey bay! You're beautiful! Look at me! You don't want to say hi? (spreads his arms) Hey, come on, look at me. I'm Tony Baloney.
–Broadway & Hewes, Brooklyn
Wednesday One-Liners Look Terrible in Neon Orange
20-something woman to man: You've never been arrested? I have never met anyone that has not been arrested!
–Le Charlot Restaurant, Upper East Side
Angry guy on cell: If you ever send e-mail to my family again, I will wait outside your apartment door! (pause) I got arrested! I spent Thanksgiving in jail!
–11th & University
Overheard by: MissPinkKate
Man in US Correctional Services jacket to another looking around hectically in a large crowd: Make sure we don't lose him!
–Penn Station
Chubby well-dressed black dude to skinny white geeky friends: Time in prison can be good for the soul!
–F Train
Overheard by: MissMae
Guy on cell: Yeah man, she's like a young girl, and she's driving me nuts. It's like always a fight with her. I mean, she's so young, yo… But yeah, I mean, she's a sweetheart. I mean, she's a good girl. So young. Like, we've been together for 7 months and that ain't nothing to me, but to her it's a big deal. And I'm all like, shit, I've been in jail for longer than 7 months, you know, so I don't know what she's bitching about. I don't need her to make me miserable. I can make myself miserable.
–Metro-North Train
Overheard by: Meaghan
Fran Drescher sound-alike: What's wrong with you? Don't applaud, I'm going to jail!
–Eight Mile Creek, Mullberry Street
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
What's That Supposed to Mean?
Obese Midwestern tourist: So are we gonna go get that falafel thing?
Other Midwestern tourist: Well, if we're gonna go to Hooters we don't need to get the falafel thing.
Obese Midwestern tourist: Why not? I could eat both.
Other Midwestern tourist: Do you know what a falafel thing is?
Obese Midwestern tourist: It's like ice cream.
Other Midwestern tourist: Oh, really? I thought that was gelato.
Obese Midwestern tourist: No, dumbass.
Other Midwestern tourist: Okay, well I guess you'd know…
–7 Train
Overheard by: Caitlin
Finally My Friendship with You Begins to Pay Off
Skinny girl: I ate the whole bag.
Fat girl: I know.
Skinny girl: But, like… The whole bag.
Fat girl: I know… If it makes you feel any better, I had fried chicken wings and chocolate cake on Friday.
Skinny girl: … Yeah, that does make me feel better.
–Pratt Institute
This Pony Keg Is Due Any Day Now
Lady: Sir, this woman is very pregnant. Please give her your seat.
Fat man: Yeah, well, I’m very fat, and that’s basically the same thing.
–4 train
Wednesday One-Liners! They're Just Like Us!
Creepy dad, cheerfully, to seven-year-old daughter: There's only one Lindsay Lohan!
–Downtown 1 train
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Jewish girl to friend: You know how ever since I got my shnoz done people tell me I look like Amy Winehouse?
–116th St & Broadway
Crazy black guy on bus, to no one in particular: Derek Jeter looks just like Robert Deniro, man… Just like him!
–N6 Bus
Overheard by: looks like paris hilton?
Larger reporter: I'm not going to save clothes that fit me before I gained weight in case I lose it. If I lose weight, I'm going to buy some new damn clothes. I don't want to wear stuff from 1987. I'll look stupid, I'll look like Mischa Barton.
–Midtown Office
Overheard by: you wont be mischa's size
Hipster girl to friend: I mean, I really like him… But he thinks River Phoenix is a place.
–East Village
Being Scared of Rosie Makes Plenty of Sense
Girl: I always thought she was a cool girl and she kind of intimidated me. I know that makes no sense, because–
Queer: –because she’s a fat lesbian?
–Horatio & Hudson
Overheard by: Shane
Dude, You Totally Just Lost Your New Hag
Fat chick on cell: Well, it kind of sucks because the subway is
like two avenue blocks away and–
Queer passerby: And there’s no Krispy Kreme in between?
–Astoria