Archive for the ‘Fat People’ Category

Or If We Were an Alien Race That Mat­ed Through Our Hands

Short, fat, tooth­less-sound­ing woman: What we do is not dis­grace­ful. There’s noth­ing dis­grace­ful about you.
Tall thin man, with boom box in hand: No.
Short, fat, tooth­less-sound­ing woman: There’s noth­ing dis­grace­ful about me.
Tall thin man: No.
Short, fat, tooth­less-sound­ing woman: It’s the sin that’s dis­grace­ful. Us, hold­ing hands, how we show our love, that’s fine. It would be a whole dif­fer­ent sto­ry if I was­n’t mar­ried, but I am.

–Es­sex & De­lancey

Over­heard by: nb

Make Womb for Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Suit on phone: I don’t think she knows. (pause) But it’s just a night job! (pause) No, there’s no way I’m preg­nant. (pause) Why not?! Be­cause I’m a man, god­dammit!

–Star­bucks

Woman on cell: So re­mem­ber that time I thought I had that mis­car­riage?

–Grand Con­course & Ford­ham Road

Over­heard by: Er­i­ca S

Slight­ly over­weight girl: Thank you for the of­fer, sweet­ie, but I’m not preg­nant. I’m just fat!

–M100 Bus

Over­heard by: Tina­thetiny

Tall girl on cell: No way! I thought *you* were go­ing to im­preg­nate *me*. I wan­na have *your* chil­dren.

–Prince & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Ken Pa­proc­ki

Meds­day One-Lin­ers

Ra­di­ol­o­gy nurse: I have been asked out be­fore. But nev­er while giv­ing a bar­i­um en­e­ma!

–Ra­di­ol­o­gy Med­ical Of­fice, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Pa­per

Doc­tor on cell: I have to get ori­ent­ed as to the lo­ca­tion of those ca­dav­ers!

–3rd Ave, Near Cabri­ni Med­ical Cen­ter

Old­er doc­tor to younger doc­tor in a group: You ac­tu­al­ly tried to get a der­ma­tol­ogy con­sul­tant to come in the mid­dle of the night? That was pret­ty dumb. You know those guys would­n’t get out of their Shea but­ter body wraps un­less the world was end­ing.

–Kings Coun­ty Emer­gency Room

Suit to la­dy friend: If you re­al­ly want­ed to smoke crack you’d go to the hos­pi­tal!

–Nas­sau St & Ann St

Over­weight girl to fe­male friend: Wan­na play gy­ne­col­o­gist?

–St. Mark’s Place

Over­heard by: Sarah Booz

“What What (In the Wednes­day One-Lin­er)”

Girl to teenage posse: Ei­ther the pen was re­al­ly weak or his butt was re­al­ly strong.

–Jack­son Heights, Queens

Over­heard by: News­bun­ny does­n’t want to know

Crazy guy to self, af­ter av­er­age woman walks by: Damn, that was a fine ass, a fine ass, that ass was so fine I’d eat a sand­wich out that ass!

–36th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Din­gle­ber­ry

Large grown woman to grown man: I thought you have all sorts of butt mag­a­zines…

–34th & 8th

Guy to girl: I like it when you wear jeans, girl! It’s like your ass is gift wrapped!

–33rd & 7th

Old­er woman to younger woman: If your booty de­serves the cred­it, give it the cred­it!

–Cen­tral Park

Over­heard by: Hell Yeah Give it the Cred­it!

Some­one Needs to Put That on a T‑shirt

Queer: Want to apol­o­gize to every­one who you cut in front of?
Chick: Fuck you!
Queer: Ew! Well any­way, we hope you had a good time in there.
Chick: Fuck all of you!
Queer: You prob­a­bly took a shit in there, did­n’t you? I bet you did! Fat girls are al­ways shit­ting!

–Slip­per Room, Or­chard Street

Gui­do on cell: Yeah, there was bitch­es dancin’ on the bar and shit…No, no, my fin­gers is cold…
Bag la­dy: Fuck your fin­gers! I ain’t got shoes on, ya dumb twink!

–48th & 8th

Over­heard by: Fish the Mag­ish

Dude: What about him?
Chick: “Oh, hell no. I ain’t no fat­ty­banger!

–Union Square sta­tion

Over­heard by: Sarah Booz