Archive for the ‘Fat People’ Category

That’s In­clud­ing the Rocks in Her Head

Woman #1: This train goes re­al­ly fast!
Woman #2: They don’t run it as of­ten, I think be­cause they’re afraid peo­ple might jump in front of it.
Woman #1: Oh my god! Who could be that de­pressed? Take some pills, for Christ’s sake.
Woman #2: I’m sur­prised it’s such a prob­lem here, I mean, duh, you got all these tall build­ings.
Woman #1: Well, any build­ing–
Woman #2: No, you got­ta go up at least 17 sto­ries to be sure, oth­er­wise you just end up in a wheel­chair which is, duh, su­per-de­press­ing.
Woman #1: 17 sto­ries!
Woman #2: Maybe 15 for you, you weigh more than me.

–4 train

You Can’t Judge a Wednes­day by Its One-Lin­er

Col­lege stu­dent: This is the best Barnes & No­ble I’ve ever seen!

–Bor­ders, Time Warn­er Cen­ter

Stu­dent: So, the au­thor of the Tao Te Ching, Lao-low… Fuck it, we’re call­ing him L‑train.

–Eu­gene Lang Col­lege

Over­heard by: Hark­er

Large woman with friends: Oh, girl, I got to tell you about this book I’m read­ing. It’s off the hook! They’re send­ing in this un­der­cov­er agent, and I think it’s his sis­ter, but he’s all get­ting ready to have sex with her!

–White Cas­tle, 36th & 8th

Over­heard by: Dun­can Pflaster

Woman on phone: I was in Union Square, so I stopped in Barnes & No­ble. (pause) Nig­ga, I can read!

–Union Square

Lit­tle British boy: Oh my good­ness, dad, look! They have books on dat­ing. How to Date? is prob­a­bly like, “Don’t take her to Mc­Don­ald’s!”

–Barnes & No­ble

Over­heard by: Lau­ra

Tat­tooed art­sy guy, putting hand on art­sy Asian girl’s shoul­der: I read your book and re­al­ly liked it… lot­ta piss­ing, huh?

–Mott & Prince

It’s Even Hard for Grownups to Grasp

Obese black woman, ex­plain­ing 9/11 to sev­en-year-old daugh­ter: We talk about this every day, hon­ey. The end­ing’s not gonna change.
Daugh­ter: They put up the flag up af­ter? Did­n’t it get dirty?
Obese black woman: Well, they kin­da had more im­por­tant things to deal with. They did­n’t have a wash­ing ma­chine there.

–R Train

Over­heard by: Jon A.

Or If We Were an Alien Race That Mat­ed Through Our Hands

Short, fat, tooth­less-sound­ing woman: What we do is not dis­grace­ful. There’s noth­ing dis­grace­ful about you.
Tall thin man, with boom box in hand: No.
Short, fat, tooth­less-sound­ing woman: There’s noth­ing dis­grace­ful about me.
Tall thin man: No.
Short, fat, tooth­less-sound­ing woman: It’s the sin that’s dis­grace­ful. Us, hold­ing hands, how we show our love, that’s fine. It would be a whole dif­fer­ent sto­ry if I was­n’t mar­ried, but I am.

–Es­sex & De­lancey

Over­heard by: nb

Make Womb for Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Suit on phone: I don’t think she knows. (pause) But it’s just a night job! (pause) No, there’s no way I’m preg­nant. (pause) Why not?! Be­cause I’m a man, god­dammit!

–Star­bucks

Woman on cell: So re­mem­ber that time I thought I had that mis­car­riage?

–Grand Con­course & Ford­ham Road

Over­heard by: Er­i­ca S

Slight­ly over­weight girl: Thank you for the of­fer, sweet­ie, but I’m not preg­nant. I’m just fat!

–M100 Bus

Over­heard by: Tina­thetiny

Tall girl on cell: No way! I thought *you* were go­ing to im­preg­nate *me*. I wan­na have *your* chil­dren.

–Prince & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Ken Pa­proc­ki

Meds­day One-Lin­ers

Ra­di­ol­o­gy nurse: I have been asked out be­fore. But nev­er while giv­ing a bar­i­um en­e­ma!

–Ra­di­ol­o­gy Med­ical Of­fice, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Pa­per

Doc­tor on cell: I have to get ori­ent­ed as to the lo­ca­tion of those ca­dav­ers!

–3rd Ave, Near Cabri­ni Med­ical Cen­ter

Old­er doc­tor to younger doc­tor in a group: You ac­tu­al­ly tried to get a der­ma­tol­ogy con­sul­tant to come in the mid­dle of the night? That was pret­ty dumb. You know those guys would­n’t get out of their Shea but­ter body wraps un­less the world was end­ing.

–Kings Coun­ty Emer­gency Room

Suit to la­dy friend: If you re­al­ly want­ed to smoke crack you’d go to the hos­pi­tal!

–Nas­sau St & Ann St

Over­weight girl to fe­male friend: Wan­na play gy­ne­col­o­gist?

–St. Mark’s Place

Over­heard by: Sarah Booz