Archive for the ‘Fat People’ Category

Janie Got a Wednesday One-Liner

Voice over employee's walkie-talkie: Okay, I really need those guns. Anyone who has one, I need it down in bridal.

–Bed Bath & Beyond

Obnoxious woman: So I said, "motherfucker, I'm not your sister–I'm your cousin. So I will shoot you."

–Uptown 2 Train

Large black man: If you ain't got no bullets, you gotsta melee!

–23rd St b/w 5th & 6th

Overheard by: Zach

Wannabe hip-hopper, trying to sell CD: It's clean music, and I ain't never shot no one!

–Union Square

20-something guy on cell: They got no right to bring up that gun charge, it's over ten years old!

–19th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Emily Davidson

Dude, after chatting to policewoman: I just have a thing for women in uniform! My mind says, "no, no, settle down," and my penis says, "but she's got a gun!"

–Hudson & Laight

Wednesday One-Liners Prefer “Pleasantly Plump”

Guy on phone: That's not the problem, straight guys who are fatter than me get laid all the time.

–Time Warner Center

Man on cell: Of course I'll recognize you! Unless you got fat!

–Sheep's Meadow, Central Park

Gay black man: Uh uh. Girl, her fat ass will so not make it. You better not bring her here.

–Bleecker & Broadway

Overheard by: fellow fatass

Excited young teen on cell: Dad! Guess what celebrity we just met?! The Weight Watchers lady! No, the old one! Yeah, Kirstie Alley! We got her autograph! She's real fat now! We met her in the chocolate store!

–W Broadway & Spring

Overheard by: JR

Fat chick: Do not tell me I'm not a size 4!

–Central Park West

Overheard by: Rich H

Wednesday One-Liners Eat Boogers

Man on cell: It's a swollen, pus-filled sebaceous cyst…

–Nathan's, West 32nd St

Overheard by: SuzeV

Chick leaving Duane Reade (exposing armpit): Air it out baby, air it out!

–Duane Reade, 14th & 1st

Overheard by: Lillian

Guy to friends: I'm just gonna rub my shit all over her face. All over!

–96th and Broadway

Fat girl on cell: Oh my god, seriously. My mom is *so* nasty whenever we go out to eat somewhere. I'm not kidding. Like, she is *never* happy where we get seated, and she's like, "This silverware is smudgy! This glass has grit in it! The lighting is awful! The tectonic plates of this location are shifting, I demand a patio table!" I try to be as nice as I can to the wait staff to make up for her. Seriously. I've seen waiting. Please don't shave your asscrack hair into my food because my mom was a douchenozzle.

–jet blue terminal, jfk

Overheard by: now questioning my pizza ingredients

Girl on cell: Yeah, you pretty much have the same body functions when you're dead as when you're alive. It's gross, but I love it.

–Mercer b/w 3rd & 4th

Overheard by: Threw up in my mouth a little bit

John Travolta will take any role

Girl: What I really want is a guy who is kind of skinny and almost homosexual.
Fat male passerby: I can be that guy!

–14th & 2nd

Headline by: h

Runners-Up:
· “But One Who Isn’t a Scientologist and Didn’t Star in the “Mission Impossible” Movies” – Hostrauser
· “Drew Carey Believes He’s a Hipster.” – Stephalee
· “I Can Be Seven Of That Guy” – Belvedere Jones
· “I’m Not Skinny, but I’m All the Way Homosexual–it Balances Out.” – KarenD
· “It Was Rosie O’Donnell” – Jess K.

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

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